Well. It’s a windy old night in London town, and the winds of change are blowing around English cricket. Or are they?
Unless I get distracted by someone or other wanting light refreshment tomorrow evening, I intend wrapping up the first quarter of the year with a special post. It will be called Dmitri’s Dirty Dozen, and I’ll be doing a list of 12 (hey, that education did not go to waste) people in the cricketing world to have really got on my nerves this last three months.
There will be the perennial faces of establishment rot – Downton, Clarke and Whitaker – and the pillars of the press (who will win the little sub-battle to be crowned the journo who cheesed me off the most), but at this point I need your contributions. Who has really annoyed you in the past three months? Who needs telling?
I’m not going down the Full Toss route of bowing down to those Aussies, as we need to keep some pride intact, and not give in! But they are right in saying not so long ago we held the aces, and then decided to revert back in time. Let’s get some fight going!
Test cricket is not far away, the county season will be starting soon, and our summer is not far away. Will it be as tumultuous as the last summer? I have a feeling it might be.
Let me have your suggestions by noon tomorrow for the article. Then the piece gets written. As usual, my decision is final! Also, suggestions for the man of 2015 so far. I’ll take that on board too.
The front of this bloke. Seriously. He’s wandering around giving unattributable interviews, carefully couched to convey that message he wants out there, but subtle enough to maintain his affable bloke persona. People buy it just as easily as they buy all the stuff about Pietersen. We all know it, the one about “every dressing room KP’s ever been in”. I love that one – I’ve worked for my organisation for a long time, and had ten or so roles there, and I’ll bet I moaned about every job I had at one time, every one of my colleagues at one time, and every one of my managers at one time. Even in all the jobs I loved! Christ, we had a night out last night doing it. KP’s not allowed to do it, but Cook is…. Cook can cast aspersions in his ever so polite way, and we’re supposed to forget he’s the most media-trained, reliable drone spokesman the ECB have ever put in front of a camera.
The bit that sticks in my craw is the supposed fury Alastair Cook would feel if Pietersen came back into the team. Really? As I put in the tweet above, he should thank his lucky stars he is still in the team, let alone be angry that someone else might be. You know that line that was spun a few years ago, during the series against Pakistan (the one where KP was dropped at the end of it for the ODI series) where Cook was supposedly fighting for his survival before he got his head down and made one of those gritty hundreds that you don’t really remember unless you were there (by far the most interesting thing about it was how he got past 100)? Cook’s scores in the 9 months up to that “career saving” innings were as follows:
v South Africa (you know, not bad)
15, 12, 118, 65, 55, 21, 1
v Bangladesh (take it or leave it)
173, 39, 21, 109* and then at home 7, 23, 29, 8
v Pakistan
8, 12, 17, 4, 6 then 110
Notice there – 3 centuries up to the second innings at the Oval, including a hugely important one in a win in Durban. and two on his first tour as captain to Bangladesh. Yes, he had a ropey time of it in England, but hell, he’s been doing that for a couple of years now and no-one seems to give a flying one. Compared to his current trot, this is Bradman type batting. Yet he was under threat then, and no-one is calling him out for his “fury” in the press corp now. This bloke has no right to be in the team on form, and if it is his leadership keeping him there, well seriously, god help us.
There was a fair bit of tut tutting over the last podcast of Geek and Friends, where there seemed to be a distinct softening of tone over the ECB stuff, with all the protagonists being the sort of people with the best interests of England at heart, and just being misguided and useless. I am not as hard on them as some of you were, because I see a bit where they are coming from. What I abhor is their (the ECB) stubborness. In the face of masses of evidence, in the face of wonderful modern management and statistical analysis techniques, the best gurus, the best coaches, the most money, the best facilities, our strategy appears a simple, but rather fucking crap one. Wait long enough and Cook will score runs, Moores will be the coach we all think he can be, and you can forget your damn KP. This isn’t some nice guy scheme, it’s a self-preservation society. In the words of Madness, presumably titling their song for Graeme Swann, it’s pass the blame, and don’t blame me…..
Do not, I repeat, do not fall for this bollocks. It’s nothing more than a confession of their ineptitude and their unwillingness to change. Stick a daring move or two at the start, call everything transitional, back a teacher’s pet, and let’s see what happens. But whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic until they start aiming their arrows at us, and ridiculing us. Then we’ll think about it.
I’ve felt this for a while about Cook, and that is he plays the role of dutiful pupil really well. From the outside all the people look at the dutiful, teacher’s pet and say what a lovely boy, and I’d be so proud of him if he was my son. The other kids might not appreciate it, especially if teacher’s pet become head boy and gets a bit of power. You either stick with him, and yes, like him or you go against him and take risks. This seems the analogy to me. The thing with those sort of kids? The entitlement starts to set in. Their place is pre-ordained. Woe betide any challenger.
Yeah, I’m making this shit up. Of course I am. Sam Robson can score a test ton and have flaws in his game, but your captain can show the same flaws but because he got over them in the past he’ll do it again, so we’ll keep him. Nick Compton made two tons in successive tests, and hasn’t been seen since a couple of poor test matches got him the boot. Michael Carberry? Well he was never going to stick after a series where he took shot and shell and coped a little better than his skipper. Joe Root clearly was wasted there, what with scoring 180 once…. He got dropped three test matches after making an 80, which is the sort of score that would get our media in paroxysms of delight if their lovely little angel did it.
No. They are waiting for the next hundred, so muppets like Swann can shove it down our throats, and tell us to do one, or whatever charming turn of phrase he’ll pop up with next. If it comes in the West Indies, and it really, really should, we’ll get it full blast. As if we’ve been wrong for the last year and a half, as his form dived, his captaincy tanked and the ECB went into la-la mode.
Meanwhile, while the Cook bandwagon stalls, we have the sight of KP signing for Surrey. I’m sure I’ll wend my cheery little self down to Kennington’s Shangri-La, to watch Kumar and KP, but it’s a sideshow. Like it or not, Booth is probably not far off the mark when it comes to his comment that the aim is for KP to ply his trade with no real prospect of selection, as if by doing this these people have been so damn clever. Well, they haven’t been, because if they think this nonsense is pulling the wool over my eyes, and many on here, then their taking us for even bigger idiots than the “outside cricket” meme implied. If they are being deceitful, thinking this is ever so smart, then let them answer to those who pay the bills, who keep the game going.
I thought we might be coming to the end game, but we aren’t. Nowhere near it. Moores is allowed another tour, to no doubt create a good environment, while Cookie gets another stab at captaincy where you can bet your life that a victory in the series will be recorded as only the second series win in the Caribbean since 1967. Wait for it, you know it’s coming. I mean, this sorry outfit in the West Indies will be put on equal footing with those greats of 20 or so years. It’ll happen. The Cook Captaincy bandwagon will be off an running, and the KP sideshow will be relegated to….. well, given past form, the first cricket story in most papers.
OK. That’s my thousand or so tonight. Thanks for all the comments, hits, support etc. Life is so much more busy now that I can’t post as much, but hope that what I do put up here is doing the business.
There will be a thread on tonight’s semi-final coming up, and also a little bit of self-congratulatory news. So until then, wait for it…
I’ll leave you with this (as recommended in the comments)
So it's confirmed. Pietersen is going to spend the summer with all those '15k a year muppets' he's so fond of in the second division
As if we are surprised, the battle lines remain drawn. Those who think that the exclusion of Kevin Pietersen is the single most important thing in the game, and those that think that those who did it have been proven catastrophically wrong.
Jim Holden’s laughable piece, brilliantly picked apart by D’Arthez on here, has received backing from Simon Hughes and Paul Newman on Twitter. Both of these have been completely out of their prams whenever Pietersen’s name is mentioned. One is a massive supporter of Alastair Cook, another played a great deal of his county cricket alongside Paul Downton. Their support for the piece has been laughed at by many, with Tickers having a good old go on Twitter.
It seems as though little has changed in 12 or so months. However, there are journalists now prepared to countenance change – Nick Hoult may or may not have changed due to the paper hiring Pietersen, but the exit stage left of Pringle shows much of their editorial approach has changed. In addition Ali Martin is being far more even-handed than a Mike Selfey might have been. These are little acorns compared to the mighty ancient jokes in the media forest who put personal animosity over the real problem. That is an organisation that treats its real lifeblood with contempt. I’m not naming names, but you know who they are.
With Graves about to enact something or other, and former Derbyshire all-rounder Tom Harrison seemingly taking control of things, there is uncertainty. Ridiculous cat calls that Graves doesn’t start his role until May are especially hilarious given what Downton was up to before he took up his post last year and for which received no similar rebuke. Graves may be all things to all men at the moment, but what he is is a threat to the current flawed, and more importantly ridiculed hierarchy of Giles, Downton, Whitaker and Moores. Propping up Cook props up this lot, even with Cook’s mildest of hissy fits.
The same old battle lines, the same old nonsense, the same old resistance to admitting backing the wrong horse in a one horse race. Those not with the change programmes are being left behind. There’s a new chief coming along and he’s not listening to you, like Downton did when he asked you lot what you thought about Pietersen. Supporting those who prop this edifice up, the Cook captaincy, laughed at by most; the Downton follies; the Moores Matrices and the Whitaker Waffles all stupefying in their incompetence, all making us a laughing stock, is not taking us forward. It is holding us back.
I thought I’d update the first part. So, here goes…..
If any of you have ever seen the youtube clip of the fake caller on the OJ Simpson stand-off over two decades ago, you may recall one of his phrases being “this is quite the commotion”.
This sums up England cricket in five words. This is quite the commotion. I thought I’d take a few minutes out of my day, on my lunch break, to review where we are at this time. It’s like an episode of that (in)famous US programme of a byegone era called Soap. All this, and more, will become clear….
Last year England lost the Ashes 5-0. This isn’t the greatest humiliation an England team faced. It was, in fact, a difficult winter.
As a result, the coach of the test team resigned. He was not the coach of the ODI or T20 team. We have separate coaches.
As a result the coach of the test team took on a supremo role with purpose not clear, at the behest of the new MD, who had not taken over, but was about to.
This new Managing Director had been appointed, and on his gardening leave (or whatever) watched a three-day test at the fag end of a disaster. Sorry, a difficult winter.
As a result of these observations, and in concert with an outgoing coach, Kevin Pietersen was identified as a problem to deal with. Kevin Pietersen had scored the most runs by an England player in that series.
As a result of this observation of disengagement, Pietersen was told that England were moving on without him. This was despite him having a contract until the end of September.
As a result, Pietersen sought freedom from his contract to earn money in the IPL and CPL, rather than be tied to a contract with no prospect of playing.
As a result, England excluded their top runscorer on the previous tour. This should not be confused with being a scapegoat.
The captain remained unchallenged despite 10 tests passing since his last century and, of course, a 5-0 loss.
After the sacking, there was much comment. Much commotion. Then a statement was issued. We should desist. We were outside cricket. The sanctity of the dressing room had been broken. We were told that the ECB were anal about leaks. We believed anal referred to the orifice from which this piece of excrement was emitted.
And the press did ignore the outside cricket comment and did not comment on the sanctity of the dressing room, except to tell us to pipe down, and claim good journalism.
Meanwhile Downton spoke. About a supermarket. And stakeholders. And fresh and exciting. Then he disappeared.
The Chairman of the ECB declared that Cook came from the right kind of family, to much amusesment. He also advised people to “move on”, which is not to be confused with “shoo, shoo, peasant”.
Given the Chairman of Selectors had resigned, a new Chairman was in place. His name is James Whitaker. His qualification to select and not select? One test cap. Hurrah. When put in front of the camera to discuss his first squad, his phone rang. And there was much merriment.
Now, after the test coach had resigned, the ODI coach was seen as favourite to get the job as test coach, ODI coach and T20 coach. However, mutterings early in the piece suggested a former coach, who had been the former test coach’s coach, should become coach again, because the preceding test coach had fallen out with the existing ODI coach, and the preceding test coach had an important role in deciding the next test, ODI and T20 coach. Got that?
We had new selectors. One was a coach who did not get on with Kevin Pietersen. He was also a county coach so invested in development that a potential international player, the player of a remarkable innings, had to be farmed out on loan. Thereupon he played an ancient Aussie instead. The world looked on, and barely cared.
The new test, ODI and T20 coach was appointed. The preceding ODI coach, not allowed to pick his primary T20 player, did not succeed, and in a final humiliation lost to the Netherlands and proved his ECB credentials by apologising to stakeholders. This provided enough justification to deny the ODI coach the full coaching position, and employ the former coach, the preceding coach’s coach, as new head coach.
That the new coach, like the preceding coach, but unlike the ODI coach, had disagrements with Pietersen in the past, provied crucial when he was appointed coach. Mention of Kevin Pietersen was not allowed.
The new MD, now not on official gardening leave, called the former coach, who had been sacked before the preceding coach took over, “the best coach of his generation”. Or was it finest. Who cares? There was aplomb all round. There was much merriment in the press at the conference.
Then we lost an ODI series to Sri Lanka, where we played dull cricket and Alastair Cook scored few runs. There was a Mankad, and Alastair was not pleased. There was much amusement.
Then we drew the first test, which we would have won but for “six inches of carry”, and Alastair Cook scored few runs. Do not mention anything about conservative declarations.
Then we lost the second test, where we held a sizeable first innings lead, saw brainless bowling and braindead captaincy on Day 4, and lost with a a ball remaining (if we had survived two more balls, added to a few inches of carry = test series win), and Alastair Cook scored few runs. However he was superb on Day 5, when he did not take the field.
Then we backed our captain, and also backed a former captain who uttered a naughty word on TV about Kevin Pietersen. Can’t be happy about that.
We drew the first test against India, which was dull and featured 10th wicket partnerships, and Alastair Cook made few runs.
By this time, our MD had looked up the meaining of the word Confidentiality in a dictionary.
We lost the second test against India, on the back of abject first day leadership, and poor batting on Day 5, and Alastair Cook made few runs.
But he was a man made of steel. Or is it iron? He had a core of iron and steel. He wanted it bad.
Then, there was a miracle. Cook scored 95 runs in Test Number 3, and there was much rejoicing.
He followed it up with another 70 or so in the second innings, and India were vanquished. Whole religions have been founded on less. Forever 95. No-one shall make that score and be worthy of it. He was “back in prime form”.
There then followed the 4th Test, and another win, with great comfort, and then the 5th test, with a repeat. In the 5th, Cook made another half century, although he was dropped a few times. But there was much rejoicing. The KP crowd could shut up. They had had their words shoved down their throats. They were muppets. In this world, calling people paying to watch the game this, is called sound business logic.
Meanwhile, KP was not scoring runs in T20 cricket and was booed on Finals Day. And there was much merriment.
On the back of the amazing turnaround, facilitated by a good environment, we went on to be humped in an ODI series against India. Alastair Cook made few runs, and questions were asked in the parish. “Not going anywhere” said the powers that be. Test series win. Good environment. Exciting and fresh.
Squad named for Sri Lanka tour, and Cook is named captain. No doubts…..
We left our cricket team with the squad picked for Sri Lanka and the captain (95) fully in charge. Let’s look back, and look forward.
Wind back to the tour from hell. The ECB don’t leak but everyone knows Pietersen is under pressure.
The ECB don’t leak but one scribe in particular is well in with the Peter Moores for new Coach vibe. Prescient.
The ECB don’t leak but there are 50 misdemeanours, there’s a booked flight home. there’s a row after a team meeting, there’s a row in the bar at the SCG, there’s a row between Gooch and Cook over a KP shot, there’s a row about training, there’s a row about breaching team curfews. Yes, no leaks.
The press is not in the ECB’s pocket, but they all fall in to line, pretty much, with the decision to sack the top run scorer. The ECB is not calling the shots, but the press fall in behind the appointment of Aplomb Downton. The ECB allow Giles Clarke out in public and the press don’t tear him to shreds. The press also aren’t in the ECB ‘s pocket but subsuquently equate those pissed off with “outside cricket” with extreme factions.
The press are not in the ECB’s pockets, but pounce on each negative leak on Pietersen. The press are not in the ECB’s pockets but somehow think breaching the confidentiality agreement is something to praise, and berate KP for enforcing it when we all know if the converse applied how that would have been spun. The press largely swept Sri Lanka under the carpet, follow the ECB/England line on Mankading when the Twitterati thought they were stupid to do so, and gave any number of soft toss interviews house room.
Now, back to the cricket. We left our faithful team going off to Sri Lanka, but just before that…
Someone, who none of us can remember this side of Mr Stanford, called David Collier resigned. No-one noticed.
A book was released and it was very angry. Some said it burned bridges. Many said they didn’t recognise what was said. Many journalists ignored many salient points on Flower’s regime instead focusing on bullying stuff. Meanwhile, while the ECB never leaks, a dossier, written by someone without a grasp of perspective or the ability to spell the names correctly, is leaked. Much hilarity ensued.
England play ODIs in Sri Lanka. England lose most of them. Alastair Cook does not score many runs.
In the 6th of these ODIs, Peter “No” Moores, mentions that the captaincy position will be reviewed. Paul Downton, let out from the broom cupboard at Lord’s, conducts a range of interviews, many of which your scribe listened to while searching London for Paddington statues. And there was profuse swearing.
Downton says that he will be surprised if anyone else will be the captain come the World Cup. Indeed to show they really, really, really, really meant it, they put (c) after his name on the provisional squad list.
England lose the seventh match, Cook says he could justifiably be sacked, so the ECB did it. And there was much laughter at this incompetent rabble. They leaked it (of course) and then couldn’t do much because the new captain was asleep and not answering his phone!
Merry Christmas.
New Year and Ian Bell makes a massive 180+ score in a popgun warm-up game and thepoetseye experience paroxysms of delight. This is claimed as an English record, which is pure nonsense.
The first ODI in the tri-series sees England start badly. Morgan scores 100. We are stuffed. Thankfully we beat India. Then lose to Australia when we blow a winning position. Then beat India. Then get annihilated in the Final. Paul Downton believes we are a team to be reckoned with.
So to the World Cup. The replacement for Cook, Ballance (upside), is injured and plays no part in tri-series. Taylor, a promising start at 3, is seemingly locked in. Ballance (upside) with no play comes into World Cup team at 3. Taylor at 6. We get hammered in the opening game, where our number 6, who usually bats at 3, runs out of partners. Our number 3, who has not played, fails, to no-one’s surprise. We look at the data.
In game two we bat against New Zealand and get skittled. Our number 3 scores no runs. Ballance (upside) has not been a success. New Zealand win before the lights come on. The data suggests that we did not score enough runs nor take enough wickets.
In game three we bat against Scotland and post just above 300, believing this to be the new 250 and against Scotland it is. There is much rejoicing. England will now win their last three games, and then it will take just three games to win the Cup.
England play Sri Lanka and make a 300+ score having pottered around in the middle overs. There is much rejoicing at this formidable total. Then the Sri Lankans, who were to be brushed aside, win with the loss of just one wicket. And there was much gnashing of teeth.
England play Bangladesh. Whipping Boys. No problem. Bangladesh post 275, which, as we all know, is the new 200. England don’t make them. Downton comes out of broom cupboard. Moores looks at data. Press start to turn on morons. Everyone inside cricket appears shocked. How could this be?
Downton says it’s not his fault. The team was one to be reckoned with, but it was inexperienced. The ECB cleared the decks for the World Cup, playing ODIs for six months, but then says there is not the right mentality. Despite the ECB pioneering T20 leagues, they didn’t believe, despite watching every other side in the world play, that T20 had that much influence on 50 overs cricket. The people were incredulous.
Peter Moores looked at the data and said it wasn’t good enough.
England beat Afghanistan in perhaps the most boring ODI in history. The world moves on without the ECB’s team to be reckoned with.
Behind the scenes there is a new Chairman from the parish of Yorkshire. The old chairman, with all the popularity of a remake of Mind Your Language, is not fired. No sir. We don’t fire out of touch, arrogant, nincompoops. We promote them to sinecures overseas. He’s our man at the ICC.
Despite fluffing our best chance to win a World Cup since the last one, Peter Moores is desperate to continue. And there was much rejoicing. “Not his fault” says a couple of people, including his “mate” on Twitter (who is rumoured to be his agent).
Downton has no intention of resigning, claiming he has lots of work to do. The people rejoice. You don’t need to do that, they say.
Meanwhile, in the parish outside ECB England, KP shows some form in the Big Bash. The press seem to do all they can to besmirch the quality of it. The ECB express that they are pleased for Kevin (in much the same way as they would be pleased if their 15 year old daughter came home pregnant).
Given England’s magnificent display in Australia and New Zealand, the new Chairman mutters out loud that Kevin might get back into the team if he scored some runs in county cricket.
Within 8 hours, the ECB, presumably not Graves, state that nothing has changed. Nothing from “no, never, over my dead body, the book confirmed it, no, not a chance, not a chance in hell”. There is great mystery.
And then Pietersen makes a statement and says he will give up £200k (plus sponsorships and endorsements) from the IPL to play for a county. And there is much confusion.
Then there is some toing and froing, and toing and froing. The Graves says he has spoken to Pietersen, and then we are told it is a courtesy call, to someone shown no courtesy since January 2014. Then the Chairman of Selectors, empty suit version, says “not in our plans, not in our plans, not in our plans” in between copious mentions of Gary Ballance.
Alastair “few runs” Cook pipes up and says “they missed me”. No-one takes him seriously. He remains our captain. There is much rejoicing.
Downton is called into a meeting with Harrison Tom, and we await the outcome. Will he be hired or will he be fired? Will KP be admitted or dismissed? Will James Whitaker ever make sense? Has Giles Clarke got a new linen suit? What does Harrison Tom look like? Is this a difficult winter or a terrific young team learning all the time? What does the data say? Will the press emerge from the ECB’s pocket? Who is pulling the strings at the dastardly Telegraph? Where has Selvey’s perspective gone? Who knows how Pam will go if KP ever gets in? Does anyone still go on KICCA? Would Doug Ibbotson have approved of this guesswork?
All this and more, will be explained….. in our dreams.
A Chinese proverb states ” One who is tripped by the foot can get up again. One who is tripped by the tongue may not.”
It remains to be seen whether the two subjects of today’s blog will be able to recover from their verbal trips, or whether this is the sign of the end of an empire. If it is the end, this will not go down meekly.
Let’s take Alastair Cook. Now we all know that when it comes to admirers of his captaincy I stand somewhere near the back of the queue. You also know that I think he was cowardly in his approach post-Ashes, got one of the softest rides one could imagine in the summer, culminating in grown press men almost weeping for joy when he made that scratchy old 95 at the Rose Bowl that was greeted by the hordes as one for the ages. He was then given a wonderful ride through a one-day series at home as at every turn we asked to remember the test series win. When he was finally put out of his and our agony of the ODI captain, deep down we knew we’d burned what slim chance we had of doing well at the altar of the Cult of the Cook. Indulging Chef, messing about with our openers, messing about with our middle order, set a bad sign. You’d think he’d know that. You think he’d accept that. But, according to how his words have been reported, that hasn’t happened…
Cook’s no novice. He’s uttered polished word after measured line to take, augmented by bland words and boyish charm. He knows if he wanders off the reservation there will be a reaction. What he needs to realise now is that sympathy for him has left town. To stay on the side of Downton and Moores would be to nail your colours to the mast of failure. To stray onto the other side will cause him to miss out on records, lose his support in high places and then some other stuff comes along with it….. horses heads, that sort of thing. So he’s tried to straddle the middle ground. Be mildly critical, but not so that he burns his bridges. He’s been successful with neither. By saying this in Abu Dhabi on the day a test squad, which in my view he has no right to be in on form, is announced, he’s picked his moment. He comes across as feeling sorry for himself, professing to surprise while saying he had no divine right, and then the hindsight part. Oh, and at the end he tries to put the boot in KP, just to curry favour with his masters in case they thought he’d gone completely off the reservation.
Cook seems to believe there are boundless reservoirs of goodwill out there for him, and true, many still do like him. But a lot more dislike him now than they did in November 2013. However, we see a lack of self-awareness:
I don’t know what’s gone on on that tour, and I can only speak from watching a little bit from afar, but it did look like the lads were shell-shocked from the first two games. That’s when you need real leadership to help steer you through that.
He has to be kidding me. Or does he really believe it was his wonderful leadership that turned around the India series? We don’t have to go too far back to see how Cook’s leadership galvanised a shell-shocked squad.
Most are nailing him for this paragraph..
“I can’t speak about what’s gone on there in depth, but you always back yourself, and I would have loved to have had the opportunity that was taken away from me. The selectors made that decision because they thought it was the best for English cricket. Hindsight has probably proved them wrong, but now it’s very easy to say that.”
I don’t like the “opportunity that was taken away from me”. That entitlement permeates more than anything that I’ve heard from Pietersen (who is markedly more media savvy). As for the last part about being proved wrong dispensing of his services, you wonder what planet he is on. Even KP hasn’t bragged like that. Yes, that comes across as a brag. Please feel free to tell me how that’s been taken out of context.
“[The Test team] was in a good place. I wouldn’t say all of it [confidence] has been [broken], but a hell of a lot of it has been. You have to remember that it is a different format and you get a change, but all teams are grouped under the same English cricket umbrella, and we can’t be naive enough to think that it’s not,” he admitted.
Dear God. You wonder if this “backing yourself” isn’t ECB speak for wiping all inconvenient memories and only analysing the positive data. It’s off the reservation this stuff. This India series win is the stuff of cricketing legend. A mighty foe, slain by a young hungry team, under the tutelage of a mighty sage fighting his own demons, but creating a good environment. It’s a ton of horse manure and most sane people know it.
Gary Ballance.
Sorry for the random name-check.
But if you want fun, listen to Pat Murphy and James Whitaker. Proper questions, prevarication and avoidance, and then forcing out the KP point. And you wonder why there is hesitation in KP signing for Surrey. I know a little about how much some were paid in Surrey a few years ago, and KP would earn that for a few weeks in Hyderabad. He should do that in my view. He’s not getting a place out of this lot unless they go. Top to bottom. They are all invested in this crock of nonsense, and none can save face now. It has to start with Flower moving on, Downton being packed off and a new chairman of selectors. The coach would be untenable at this point, and the selectors would also have little chance. Can you see that happening? I can’t.
But Whitaker is that special kind of cretin. The sort who thinks he’s being so damn ultra smart, so utterly professional by avoiding a question, a straight question put to him.
I’ll paraphrase:
PM : “KP’s going to try to make a go of it to get back into the England team, what do you make of that?
JW: “Good luck with that”
PM: “So does he have a chance?”
JW: “Developing a team, Ballance. Promising. Good luck getting in KP?”
PM: “You think they are better than Pietersen”
JW: “Gary Ballance. We developed Ian Bell. Gary Ballance. Upside. Upside. Not in plans.”
And so on. All about future and no plans. It’s media speak, and while I berate Cook for speaking his mind, it at least says what he feels. This is pre-computed, line to take, cobblers. Just sod off out of it, you damn empty suit Whitaker. Who the hell do you think you are, patronising those who might want to see everyone given a chance to make it? Standing there. All smug, self-satisfied, full of his own importance. So smart. If he were an ice cream, he’d lick himself.
Don’t humour them KP. Just don’t.
As for the test team, well. Jonathan Trott, great. Adam Lyth, good luck. Adil Rashid, I sense players being plucked from the air, Mark Wood, wish him well. But please. James Tredwell couldn’t get into a second division team last summer, and now he’s arguably our number one test spinner. It takes that kind of thought that takes your breath away. No wonder KP is no longer in their plans with thinking like that.
Have faith. Gary Ballance. Have hope. Gary Ballance. Be not afraid…..
I’ll get to the press shortly. It’s been a ‘mare, ain’t it?
That’s KP Over There (Taken By Me In Hluhluwe – Jan 2005)
The elephant (or gorilla) in the room for this blog in the past few days has been the feverish chatter about the return of Kevin Pietersen. Is it on, or isn’t it? What do I think (as if I have a microbe of influence at all…)? Where do I think this might be going?
All, seriously. I have no idea. This is a game being played by loads of machiavellian characters, each with different wants and needs, each adept or inept in media management at any given time.
Let’s put it this way, because this is one line that annoys me. Who would Pietersen replace, out of Ballance, Bell, Root or Moeen? Well, with Moeen needed more for his spin, with his batting not convincing anyone at test level yet, you could have him as a number 7. It’s negative, but I have a feeling we’ll be needing runs this summer. Or, the answer is, he wouldn’t replace any of them if he wasn’t better than them. If he is better than any one of those, then he should play because England should be putting their best team out on the field. It’s how people are recalled to teams every series. If Prior is a better player than Buttler, then he should play. If Finn is bowling better than Anderson, he should play. We got in this mess because we decided, in our infinite wisdom, that personalities are more important than performance. So KP’s disappointing, but not disastrous last two Ashes series are highlighted, while Cook’s disasters in both are less important because he is captain. And because Root has milked some pedestrian attacks for runs, we have to ignore the performances, one or two knocks excepted, of his Ashes cricket. It’s bonkers.
This narrative has allowed to become received wisdom. The four middle order batsmen are set in stone, they are the future, they are the men in possession. That carries no weight in my opinion. None whatsoever. If you believe that KP is better than them now, then he plays. Let’s go back to the 2005 Ashes. Pietersen made his case, forthrightly, in his appearance on the scene. Let’s put it this way, KP made 75% of the one day centuries that Ian Bell has made in his career, in his first series. He smashed that innings at Bristol that still makes Sky Sports Classic. He came into the team because he was a better bet than Thorpey. They backed Bell, because he was the future, and stuck with him, even though it was Thorpe who should have played in hindsight. We picked on percevied merit then – Thorpe was not as good as Pietersen. Now we have the old player being Pietersen, and the younger players thrusting to get in. No-one is dropping Joe Root, Ian Bell to me is KP-lite, but I know not all agree with that, and just like we are all reminded of Cook’s 2011 as proof of his mightiness against Australia, so we’ll all be reminded of three (small) tons in the 2013 series. Ballance, I like, but better than KP? Really? Are you sure? On the evidence of three hundreds against, let’s be frank, popgun attacks. Popgun attacks, I might remind you, that Alastair Cook did not make 100 against, although we all now know 95s are better than tons.
Also, there’s this nonsense that Pietersen should have been dropped on form. Rubbish. Utter codswallop. This inconvenient fact that he made most runs by an English player on that tour, had a half decent preceding series is just wiped out. Stop it. Now. Don’t rewrite history to suit the circumstances. As for the ludicrous notion that he was “inconsistent” or “random”, or prone to low scores under 10, well….. Makes you wonder how you suffered the Atherton years against Australia and West Indies if you think like that.
KP was dropped because Andy Flower wanted him out, and the bosses, thinking they could talk down to the proles, went along with it. Because these people have to be convinced of how damn clever they are, they tried to finesse. KP may not have helped his position, and his book certainly didn’t, but with the absence of the smoking gun, this lot were always open to ridicule. There’s been so much spin over Moeen, Gary et al, and a 3-1 win over India that I thought the earth might go off its axis. Aided and abetted by a compliant press, enjoying every anti-KP statement with relish as if personal scores were being settled, the England firmament felt rather confident at the end of the test summer last year. Sri Lanka had been swept under the carpet, Cook had his three half-centuries, and KP look banished. Hip Hip hooray.
This blogger, in a previous life, kept mentioning the Cook captaincy elephant in the room (as did the commenters on here), kept reminding the media of the incompetence of Downton, were dreading Moores in charge of something important, and worrying about our conservatism in the treatment of people like Hales and, yes, once they tried him, Taylor. The edifice was crumbling during the ODI series v India, where we were handily beaten at home, and yet ignored the same team had been destroyed in New Zealand not nine months before. It was collapsing after the series in Sri Lanka. There I was cheerfully reminding myself of someone who said my rabid hatred of the ECB was clouding my judgement, especially on Downton. I should be crowing now, but I’m not. I’m sad it’s come to this.
KP has been a sideshow to me. Once departed with, I’m afraid that anything that happens now is going to be a freak show. KP needs to score runs for a county team, something that Matt Prior, for instance did not need to do last Summer, and he wasn’t even the incumbent. When he does, if they are for Surrey, we’ll have the old “second division runs” debate (batting coach Mark Ramprakash may be able to empathise with that), and every failure will be greeted with relish and glee. It’ll be tedious in the extreme. Then, if he makes a ton or two, the hype will go into over-drive, every injured England batsman will know the shadow will be following them, and any run of failure will be madness. Any others in the logjam will have no chance – James Vince for example – if KP is the county story. This isn’t KP’s fault – the ECB did this with their ludicrous nonsense last week.
John Etheridge is quoted in the comments as saying he has a 1% chance of playing. Why? He scores runs at county level, we all know he is international class, he should be in front of everyone, should he not? Stuff his age. Never bothered them in the past. So why is it only 1%? Tell us John, in words plain and simple to leave no doubt in our minds.
We think we know why. Because it makes Downton, Whitaker, Moores, Cook, Anderson, Broad, Newell, Prior, Swann, and most importantly Giles Clarke and Andy Flower look more stupid than the current situation paints them. That’s why this is a farce. We pick on personality, we pick on not looking stupid. Nothing else can explain the bloody-mindedness we saw in the World Cup selection, the hanging on to Cook as ODI captain, and yes, as test captain. We are held hostage by these people. This is our team, we ask you to pick the best players, that is all. It is you who make this more difficult than it really is.
Seriously, in my mind, it should be 0% or 100%. The first is he has no chance, and should be put out of his and our misery. We can then slag the decision makers off to our content, and although it will be enjoyable from time to time, we can walk away from the sport at any time in disgust at the conduct of all. It’s pure victimisation. If there’s a smoking gun, it would have been displayed all right. No doubt about it.
Otherwise, he should be in the team. Give him a couple of warm up games and in he goes. Hell, I said it. He’s better than them all on his day. We know it, they know it. That’s what scares them.
But what I also will say, and have said all along, it is not about KP this. It’s about the way the sport is run in this country. It’s about the media coverage and how KP has been treated. Yes, I know Pietersen is an exceptionally smooth operator with the media, and has played a blinder by and large. People recognise why he did that book like that, and it was high risk. But, as time has gone by, he’s not exactly been proved wrong, has he? On Moores, on Downton, on the clique, on the attitude, on Flower, on the ECB leaking etc. etc. He had a good, not great Big Bash, but what he has is that mentality that so few of our players seem to have. He wants it. He ain’t going to shy from it.
There’s also this nonsense about our team being too nice, as if they’ve heard the KP stuff and done the opposite. As if Moores is being too careful. I don’t know what the heck is going on. What seems to be clear is that the previous regime has scarred a number of people. It’s the school equivalent of getting rid of the sadistic old senior master who dished out corporal punishment at a stroke, and getting in a supply teacher! You can say a lot, but there’s always that old sadist in the background! Look what happened to the last one who kicked up a fuss…
Vian summed it up superbly BTL on the Telegraph. And you know I don’t want to blow smoke up his you know what…
I don’t care whether Pietersen plays for England again or not. I do care that he should beavailableto play for England again. Not because he should or shouldn’t, but because it moves away from this beyond stupid consideration of England being about having the right sort of family, or whether someone is disinterested in the eyes of one person, or whether they looked out of the window or whistled after dismissal, and focuses on people who can score bloody runs, take bloody wickets and catch the bloody ball.
I want England players to be able to tell the coach he’s wrong without being labelled difficult, to play their own game and take risks without being labelled irresponsible by those who then praise them when it comes off, who are individuals with their own personalities and not automatons terrified to speak up, who can focus on their own ability within the team without someone who’s never picked up a bat piping up that it’s a team game (it isn’t. Not really), and who above all else knows how to get the best out of themselves without someone holding their hand throughout the entire process.
We DO have talented cricketers. Let them be all they can be, and stop treating them like unruly children. And if you don’t like someone, seriously grow a pair. No one likes all their work colleagues, that’s life. Get over it.
And as for the coach, whoever it may be, the hardest thing is to know when to shut up and please God don’t look at the data to tell you what’s bleedin’ obvious.
And one last thing. Enjoy it. Cricket is fun. Make it look like it.
Give that man a blog.
We have just watched a World Cup campaign where our team looked like they were studying for exams, that they had their heads full of stuff, had plans upon plans upon plans, and it was all about executing plans. It was, and looked like, a job for them. Something to pay the bills and something to get through. They give no idea that this is enjoyable, that the getting there can be fun. We’ve all spent long afternoons on playing fields (those of us who played of course) watching the oppo rack up a massive score as nothing comes right, you drop catches, you misfield, you feel out of your depth, and then you go out and bat, and that ball pings off the middle of the bat and flies for four, or you have a great day and you bring your team close to victory, or win unlikely games, or you take that screamer of a catch, and you think this is why. This is why I play the game. Because as much as I hate the bad parts, I love the good parts more. I enjoy it. I love it. I am not being naive, but I don’t see that. I just don’t see that from our guys, and I have before.
As a nation we will always fear losing more than embrace winning. That’s why a South African born (yes I used it) perturbed us, I’ve been laughed at for this before but I’m sticking with it. KP looks like he loves batting. He loves being the man who wants to win the game. He wants it to happen. He isn’t your man to bat for a draw. He isn’t particularly a man for a crisis. He’s the man you want when the game is in the balance. And he wants that moment. Most of our’s give the impression that in that position they don’t want to fail more than they want to succeed. KP is different. It’s not about process and executing plans, it is playing the moment. We don’t embrace that sort of attitude in this country, we run away from it. I maintain if Virender Sehwag were English, he’d have been constrained to the odd T20 and ODI appearance.
This diversion, now, comes because we’ve been abject in the World Cup. The ECB cleared the decks (don’t forget though, the Aussies did not want the Ashes this winter because of the World Cup – it’s not just the ECB’s fault) for this and now need to be seen to do something. KP is a nice distraction. I said to Ali Martin on Twitter that my main motivation to see KP play for England again is because it would anger so many people and Pam Nash would need to give up everything she owns. That’s not why he should play for England. He should never have been dropped. Those people that were responsible have been left to play their way and they’ve given us our worst ever World Cup performance. They gambled. They lost. They pay the consequences. Let the dice fall wherever they might now, and let’s get back to a proper selection policy, not vindictive shenanigans.
Good god, do we have to play this match? The team has nothing to gain and everything to lose. Afghanistan could not pick a better time to play us.
With our hands over our eyes, with our memories of burger sales staff at Schiphol Airport (I’ve been through there and never seen it) and such like, Sydney is the venue and problems lie ahead. The forecast isn’t special so we may be spared a result, who knows.
Just to pass a Sunday night away, I thought I’d do a perception analysis on the current England World Cup squad. What do I mean by perception analysis? Well, it’s my position of where they stand in the team firmament, in the eyes of the media/supporters and my view of their establishment status.
Ian Bell “Why Does It Always Rain On Me” – Ian Bell is the coat-peg on which many England ills are hung. He has the talent, the laconic stroke play, the beauty of fluidity. But he isn’t Hashim Amla. He isn’t Alastair Cook. Neither do the runs come so easily, so frequently that he should be among the world greats, nor do they look like he grinds through struggles like our captain. Hence there’s never the love, certain BTL posters notwithstanding, nor is their an absence of frustration. When he looked like an alternative to Cook as a captain, this matters. The establishment hate under-performance, or getting out playing in an attacking vein. That’s not leadership material, Hence you get team-building stuff leaked. Bell should be an automatic selection, but he neither demands it, nor does he satisfy the vast majority of his fanbase. He is what he is, we have to take the rough with the smooth. Perception is he’s not a leader, but a follower, he’s the sort that can be painlessly dispensed with, and his frustrating inability to impose himself renders him weak in establishment eyes.
Moeen Ali – Clutching At Straws – It’s hard to say bad words about Moeen. He has a personality, which we all love, because drones are boring. He has improved as a spin bowler, but interestingly the credit for this appears to come from a Sri Lankan umpire and Mr Bell, which doesn’t say much about our coaching staff. His batting is just the strangest thing. If this were Ian Bell doing what Moeen Ali does, people would lose their minds. Asinine shot selection, a weakness against high paced short pitch bowling, and then innings like that Day 5 special at Headingley. His 128 against Scotland summed it up. Brilliant, but come on Moeen, a really really big one was there and….. However Moeen is as safe as the Bank of England in this team because he’s the anti-KP. Without KP in the team the ECB needed to find one superstar, and Moeen is potentially it. Never has a man with such a relatively small impact on a team been plastered over a Wisden Almanack. This isn’t having a go at Moeen – I love his play – but I want a lot, lot more. The perception is he is untouchable, the establishment will take his knocks and paint him as the uber success story and he is one of England’s important men.
Gary Ballance – Fill Me In – Nothing speaks England like trying to shoe-horn Gary Ballance into this World Cup team. One, he’s had no real match practice coming in to the tournament; two, he failed to prepare, so we had to prepare to fail as he broke a finger in the run-up; three, he’s been disastrous so far in the tournament; and four, the pyschological damage this might inflict going forward, as he is identified as a major failure is a major concern. Ballance as a test player still has doubters, who think his technique might get undressed at the top, top level. That’s further down the track, but this stubborn refusal to see the issues could impact. Where does he stand in the firmament? A test institution, an anti-KP, another tick in the box by putting him at three, and a new era success story. The media clearly have doubts, the fans seem to be hoping for the best but with a nagging fear of the worst, and the establishment will sing his praises until he fails. He’s bridged the KP gap at worst, and also filled the Trott shoes. Is he sticking-plaster or cement? I don’t think this World Cup has helped.
Joe Root – Gonna Make You A Star – Joe Root, future England captain. God, I hope not, for his sake. We need his runs. I like his temperament, I like his appetite for big scores, I like his fiery spirit on the field. But I also think he has that major monkey on his back, when, one 180 apart, he has been destroyed by the Aussies. In ODI cricket he looks like he has a clue. In my opinion he’s the sort of player other countries might open with, but he has number four now. Arguably he and Bell should swap spots. However, where Root is important is that he is an example of improvement under the current coaching regime, and hence something that can be claimed as a success. All credit to Flower for bringing him into the team, and he’s missed just one test (which he shouldn’t have) since then. In the establishment he is a pillar, a future captain, a fresh faced batsman with a long future. To the fans I sense a lukewarm appreciation, not a lot of love, not a lot of hate, just another worker bee, with a bit of a mouth and a bit of talent. To the media he is the Prince in waiting. Safe for now, but not our saviour. He’d be a great third best batsman on your team – if he’s your best, you’d sense we were in a bit of trouble.
Eoin Morgan – Down With This Sort Of Thing – Now. This one is interesting. In December, when Cook was dismissed, we were all pretty much as one pleased that Morgan had taken the team over. But were we really? Didn’t we all have a nagging worry over his form? Weren’t we all rather grabbing at the joie de vivre of that India T20 rather than ignoring the somewhat lacklustre other captaincy performances? Weren’t we seduced by his relative honesty over player performance and his somewhat forthright nature? The honeymoon on that is well and truly over as he utters management stat speak as if groomed for the role, and his batting performances have been disappointing. The anti-KP brigade easily conflate the Morgan appointment with the alliegance to the absent prince, and have been particularly harsh. Fact is, he’s no worse than Cook, but he’s not that much better either. I’ve never been totally convinced by him, but want him to do well. The media are funny over him, split down the middle quite a bit on him, while it’s reflected in the anthem crap. The establishment will have no hesitation dumping on him after the World Cup, the media will follow suit, the fans will put them behind him. He’s fallen a mighty way in three months, because, let’s face it, he hasn’t been given a fair deck.
James Taylor – Fight The Power – Oh yes. James Taylor. The poster child for what is wrong with everyone in this last year. First of all, never has one man’s assessment of a player carried so much bluster, and reflected influence. KP didn’t rate him, which you might have missed. Clearly doing analysis on this isn’t anyone’s strength because the way he’s been messed about since hasn’t exactly distanced the management’s view from that KP standpoint. When he got in to the team, he took his chance at number 3, whereupon our genius management slung him down at 6 to accommodate Ballance. Still baffles me. I genuinely don’t think we refuseniks have been angry enough about how Taylor has been treated, shipped from pillar to post, used as a last resort, and when successful treated with contempt, because of the KP thing. It’s thrown back “your man hated him, ner, ner, ner….” The establishment seem to have difficulty with him, the management abuse him, the fans aren’t sure. Me? I like him. A lot. He has that attitude. That “f*** you, I’ll show you” streak. That chip on his shoulder. He’ll do for me. But I feel as if I’m a bit of a minority on this one.
Alex Hales – One More Chance – Nothing sums up English cricket more than the next two names. Alex Hales. A talent, but instead of doing what Australia or others do, and mention what he can do, we seem to revel in picking holes in what he does. He’s the classic media prop, to point at someone outside the team and believe he could be an instant impact player, but that’s the problem. He gets one or two chances, he’ll get out in silly ways, and he’ll be dropped. Us Surrey fans have seen this with two of our previous players, Ally Brown and the late Ben Hollioake. They enter the scene with a performance of great impact (Brown an early ODI ton, Ben with his 60-odd v Aus, Hales with a breakout ton in the World T20) and then that is the standard he needs to do all the time. Then you do your damndest to downplay it. Nothing sums us up more than Phil Jaques playing for Notts above Hales. That’s an England selector doing that. He may play tonight, but what chance does he have. He’s not played a competitive game since before Christmas, he’s coming in completely cold, and he’s primed to fail. The establishment will not give a toss, nor will the management and we stand here scratching our heads. Welcome to England… (Update- GB’s Grandmum is correct to say that Hales played competitively in the Big Bash, and he is correct. My point was obviously meant about this format, but thanks for the clarification sir. I do appreciate the other eyes on me.)
Jos Buttler – Two Princes – And if you think Hales is symptomatic of our problems, then this guy shows you why we will never consistently win because we are suspicious of talent. That 120-odd at Lord’s was the biggest, clearest message that it was his time, now. But no. Cook downplayed it, the media questioned how good a keeper he is/was and we focused, as we always do, on the negatives and not the strengths. He had the temperament, the biggest notch needed on any player’s belt. He has destructive, innovative power with the bat, and he’s young and will work hard and improve. He moved counties to keep wicket, he took his chance when he got into the team and is someone other teams fear. So we stick him at 7, and don’t use any flexibility. We play someone with a 4 inch tear in his achilles over him, and still he may not have played if Prior hadn’t stepped down despite being as mobile as me on a Monday morning. The establishment can’t claim him as a success because they did him down, as did the management. The fans love him, by and large, with some curmudgeonly exceptions. We see hope and aspiration and derring-do in him. I like him. He’s the sort we need. Not the sort we need to fear.
Being Outside Cricket 