Imaginary – 1

Just to pass a Sunday night away, I thought I’d do a perception analysis on the current England World Cup squad. What do I mean by perception analysis? Well, it’s my position of where they stand in the team firmament, in the eyes of the media/supporters and my view of their establishment status.

Ian Bell “Why Does It Always Rain On Me” – Ian Bell is the coat-peg on which many England ills are hung. He has the talent, the laconic stroke play, the beauty of fluidity. But he isn’t Hashim Amla. He isn’t Alastair Cook. Neither do the runs come so easily, so frequently that he should be among the world greats, nor do they look like he grinds through struggles like our captain. Hence there’s never the love, certain BTL posters notwithstanding, nor is their an absence of frustration. When he looked like an alternative to Cook as a captain, this matters. The establishment hate under-performance, or getting out playing in an attacking vein. That’s not leadership material, Hence you get team-building stuff leaked. Bell should be an automatic selection, but he neither demands it, nor does he satisfy the vast majority of his fanbase. He is what he is, we have to take the rough with the smooth. Perception is he’s not a leader, but a follower, he’s the sort that can be painlessly dispensed with, and his frustrating inability to impose himself renders him weak in establishment eyes.

Moeen Ali – Clutching At Straws – It’s hard to say bad words about Moeen. He has a personality, which we all love, because drones are boring. He has improved as a spin bowler, but interestingly the credit for this appears to come from a Sri Lankan umpire and Mr Bell, which doesn’t say much about our coaching staff. His batting is just the strangest thing. If this were Ian Bell doing what Moeen Ali does, people would lose their minds. Asinine shot selection, a weakness against high paced short pitch bowling, and then innings like that Day 5 special at Headingley. His 128 against Scotland summed it up. Brilliant, but come on Moeen, a really really big one was there and….. However Moeen is as safe as the Bank of England in this team because he’s the anti-KP. Without KP in the team the ECB needed to find one superstar, and Moeen is potentially it. Never has a man with such a relatively small impact on a team been plastered over a Wisden Almanack. This isn’t having a go at Moeen – I love his play – but I want a lot, lot more. The perception is he is untouchable, the establishment will take his knocks and paint him as the uber success story and he is one of England’s important men.

Gary Ballance – Fill Me In – Nothing speaks England like trying to shoe-horn Gary Ballance into this World Cup team. One, he’s had no real match practice coming in to the tournament; two, he failed to prepare, so we had to prepare to fail as he broke a finger in the run-up; three, he’s been disastrous so far in the tournament; and four, the pyschological damage this might inflict going forward, as he is identified as a major failure is a major concern. Ballance as a test player still has doubters, who think his technique might get undressed at the top, top level. That’s further down the track, but this stubborn refusal to see the issues could impact. Where does he stand in the firmament? A test institution, an anti-KP, another tick in the box by putting him at three, and a new era success story. The media clearly have doubts, the fans seem to be hoping for the best but with a nagging fear of the worst, and the establishment will sing his praises until he fails. He’s bridged the KP gap at worst, and also filled the Trott shoes. Is he sticking-plaster or cement? I don’t think this World Cup has helped.

Joe Root – Gonna Make You A Star – Joe Root, future England captain. God, I hope not, for his sake. We need his runs. I like his temperament, I like his appetite for big scores, I like his fiery spirit on the field. But I also think he has that major monkey on his back, when, one 180 apart, he has been destroyed by the Aussies. In ODI cricket he looks like he has a clue. In my opinion he’s the sort of player other countries might open with, but he has number four now. Arguably he and Bell should swap spots. However, where Root is important is that he is an example of improvement under the current coaching regime, and hence something that can be claimed as a success. All credit to Flower for bringing him into the team, and he’s missed just one test (which he shouldn’t have) since then. In the establishment he is a pillar, a future captain, a fresh faced batsman with a long future. To the fans I sense a lukewarm appreciation, not a lot of love, not a lot of hate, just another worker bee, with a bit of a mouth and a bit of talent. To the media he is the Prince in waiting. Safe for now, but not our saviour. He’d be a great third best batsman on your team – if he’s your best, you’d sense we were in a bit of trouble.

Eoin Morgan – Down With This Sort Of Thing – Now. This one is interesting. In December, when Cook was dismissed, we were all pretty much as one pleased that Morgan had taken the team over. But were we really? Didn’t we all have a nagging worry over his form? Weren’t we all rather grabbing at the joie de vivre of that India T20 rather than ignoring the somewhat lacklustre other captaincy performances? Weren’t we seduced by his relative honesty over player performance and his somewhat forthright nature? The honeymoon on that is well and truly over as he utters management stat speak as if groomed for the role, and his batting performances have been disappointing. The anti-KP brigade easily conflate the Morgan appointment with the alliegance to the absent prince, and have been particularly harsh. Fact is, he’s no worse than Cook, but he’s not that much better either. I’ve never been totally convinced by him, but want him to do well. The media are funny over him, split down the middle quite a bit on him, while it’s reflected in the anthem crap. The establishment will have no hesitation dumping on him after the World Cup, the media will follow suit, the fans will put them behind him. He’s fallen a mighty way in three months, because, let’s face it, he hasn’t been given a fair deck.

James Taylor – Fight The Power – Oh yes. James Taylor. The poster child for what is wrong with everyone in this last year. First of all, never has one man’s assessment of a player carried so much bluster, and reflected influence. KP didn’t rate him, which you might have missed. Clearly doing analysis on this isn’t anyone’s strength because the way he’s been messed about since hasn’t exactly distanced the management’s view from that KP standpoint. When he got in to the team, he took his chance at number 3, whereupon our genius management slung him down at 6 to accommodate Ballance. Still baffles me. I genuinely don’t think we refuseniks have been angry enough about how Taylor has been treated, shipped from pillar to post, used as a last resort, and when successful treated with contempt, because of the KP thing. It’s thrown back “your man hated him, ner, ner, ner….” The establishment seem to have difficulty with him, the management abuse him, the fans aren’t sure. Me? I like him. A lot. He has that attitude. That “f*** you, I’ll show you” streak. That chip on his shoulder. He’ll do for me. But I feel as if I’m a bit of a minority on this one.

Alex Hales – One More Chance – Nothing sums up English cricket more than the next two names. Alex Hales. A talent, but instead of doing what Australia or others do, and mention what he can do, we seem to revel in picking holes in what he does. He’s the classic media prop, to point at someone outside the team and believe he could be an instant impact player, but that’s the problem. He gets one or two chances, he’ll get out in silly ways, and he’ll be dropped. Us Surrey fans have seen this with two of our previous players, Ally Brown and the late Ben Hollioake. They enter the scene with a performance of great impact (Brown an early ODI ton, Ben with his 60-odd v Aus, Hales with a breakout ton in the World T20) and then that is the standard he needs to do all the time. Then you do your damndest to downplay it. Nothing sums us up more than Phil Jaques playing for Notts above Hales. That’s an England selector doing that. He may play tonight, but what chance does he have. He’s not played a competitive game since before Christmas, he’s coming in completely cold, and he’s primed to fail. The establishment will not give a toss, nor will the management and we stand here scratching our heads. Welcome to England… (Update- GB’s Grandmum is correct to say that Hales played competitively in the Big Bash, and he is correct. My point was obviously meant about this format, but thanks for the clarification sir. I do appreciate the other eyes on me.)

Jos Buttler – Two Princes – And if you think Hales is symptomatic of our problems, then this guy shows you why we will never consistently win because we are suspicious of talent. That 120-odd at Lord’s was the biggest, clearest message that it was his time, now. But no. Cook downplayed it, the media questioned how good a keeper he is/was and we focused, as we always do, on the negatives and not the strengths. He had the temperament, the biggest notch needed on any player’s belt. He has destructive, innovative power with the bat, and he’s young and will work hard and improve. He moved counties to keep wicket, he took his chance when he got into the team and is someone other teams fear. So we stick him at 7, and don’t use any flexibility. We play someone with a 4 inch tear in his achilles over him, and still he may not have played if Prior hadn’t stepped down despite being as mobile as me on a Monday morning. The establishment can’t claim him as a success because they did him down, as did the management. The fans love him, by and large, with some curmudgeonly exceptions. We see hope and aspiration and derring-do in him. I like him. He’s the sort we need. Not the sort we need to fear.

Part 2 to follow – the bowlers….later.


10 thoughts on “Imaginary – 1

  1. geoffboycottsgrandmother Mar 8, 2015 / 7:39 pm


    FWIW Hales has played a couple of competitive innings since Christmas (in the Big Bash, unless you don’t consider that competitive), but the substance of your point remains that he’s underCooked.


    • LordCanisLupus Mar 8, 2015 / 7:39 pm

      I meant competitive ODI, but the point is well made and will correct.


  2. d'Arthez Mar 8, 2015 / 7:58 pm

    Pretty much agreed there. Oh, and I would not have picked Morgan as a captain. I would have gone with Taylor. The rot was so deep already, that they needed an outsider to clean up the mess and stamp his authority on the team. Morgan, obviously was not in a position to do that, since his own form was equally miserable compared to Cook. Which, I suspect, is part of the reason that Morgan was picked. A weak captain, in a weak position, to prop up a weak coach.

    As for Prior: He still would have played if he was a as mobile as a beached whale in Mali.


  3. wrongunatlongon Mar 8, 2015 / 8:06 pm

    Buttler is doing ok, but we underuse him massively. If he were Sri Lankan, he’d be in at 4. Australia would have him opening with Warner. India would play him as a specialist batsman at 5. Pakistan he could be anywhere in that top 5. New Zealand would have told him to forget wicket keeping, batted him at 3, and given him the captaincy. Even South Africa, the next most conservative side in the cup, would have him at 5 or 6. We have him at 7 and are happy when he scores 25 from 15 balls, rather than disappointed he didn’t have enough time to score 100 from 60.


  4. Boz Mar 8, 2015 / 8:08 pm

    What about John Terry? You missed him out, mate. He’s our true leada – got bottlul. he’s gotta play


  5. Benny Mar 8, 2015 / 9:39 pm

    Wow. Your analysis mirrors my own view. I also think Moeen is not quite up there. Ballance – don’t know. He shouldn’t be No 3 at the moment but Gillespie rates him highly and he does know what he’s talking about. I have high hopes for Buttler, as a batsman, at least.

    I had the pleasure of watching a fair bit of Notts in the London Cup. James Taylor was brilliant and his captaincy was pretty shrewd, with a little occasional prompting by the accomplished Chris Read. For me he’s the obvious choice for skipper of our WC team and probably more. Notts opened with Lumb to swing at it from the off and Hales to get his eye in and then join in. Moeen and Hales works for me. Mind you, Roy and Hales is an exciting proposition.


  6. @pktroll Mar 9, 2015 / 9:08 am

    Spot on with most of these analyses. Like you I’ve always felt Bell has flattered to deceive. Of course there is talent but he’s always been short of the highest echelons of world batting. What is even more annoying than the perception is that Bell fans almost celebrate that he doesn’t ever quite make it happen and get annoyed when you think differently.


    • Arron Wright Mar 9, 2015 / 9:45 am

      I’m somewhere in the middle myself. I find some of the criticism that comes his way quite ridiculous, and the double standards (especially when compared to someone like Cook) appalling. But I am no Poetseye. I think he’s under-valued, and his Test career since 2009 has been terrific, even by comparison with the likes of Cook and Trott. But if I were choosing a best England middle order since 1980, no, he would not have a sniff, sorry. This in spite of the fact that he has more Test hundreds than all bar one, and (at worst) will probably end up with more Test runs than all bar two, of those I would definitely include.

      For the sake of clarity, Gower, Thorpe and Pietersen are the absolute certainties, RA Smith first reserve, and Stewart (if he was keeping wicket/batting at six) would also edge out Bell.


      Crikey, things have gone horribly wrong while I was writing this post!


  7. metatone Mar 9, 2015 / 10:09 am

    Very interesting.

    It’s not surprising that Ali gets a smoother ride, but when you consider the flack KP would get for getting out playing attacking shots, there’s something weird (and one fears, just messed up) about the way the press and coach treat Ali.

    Personally I suspect (ironically) that Ali needs a bit more coaching than he is getting. Of course, Moores may not be the person you’d pick to do that coaching.

    One thing for sure, Ali would benefit immensely from playing in the IPL. He’s got the attitude to be like McCullum, but he needs the seasoning of playing to score off top class bowling. He won’t get that in English cricket…

    Bell, for me, is a symbol of ongoing England coaching failure. He’s actually a lot like KP I think, in that he doesn’t actually naturally fit in with “the lads.” As a result, a lot of the nonsense in the coaching setup has I feel led to his inability to be consistent. I’ll note in particular that he was set up to fail in this WC, almost as much as Ballance.


  8. thebogfather Mar 14, 2015 / 8:46 am

    I’m glad you haven’t done ‘Imaginary 2’ as our bowlers have been a figment of the team management’s lack of imagination… therefore no ratings needed


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