Soap

If any of you have ever seen the youtube clip of the fake caller on the OJ Simpson stand-off over two decades ago, you may recall one of his phrases being “this is quite the commotion”.

This sums up England cricket in five words. This is quite the commotion. I thought I’d take a few minutes out of my day, on my lunch break, to review where we are at this time. It’s like an episode of that (in)famous US programme of a byegone era called Soap. All this, and more, will become clear….

Last year England lost the Ashes 5-0.
As a result, the coach of the test team resigned.
As a result the coach of the test team took on a supremo role with purpose not clear.
A new Managing Director had been appointed, and on his gardening leave (or whatever) watched a three-day test at the fag end of a disaster.
As a result of these observations, and in concert with an outgoing coach, Kevin Pietersen was identified as a problem to deal with.
As a result, Pietersen was told that England were moving on without him.
As a result, PIetersen sought freedom from his contract to earn money in the IPL and CPL.
As a result, England excluded their top runscorer on the previous tour.
The captain remained unchallenged despite 10 tests passing since his last century and, of course, a 5-0 loss.

Given the Chairman of Selectors had resigned, a new Chairman was in place. His name is James Whitaker.

After the coach had rsigned, the ODI coach was seen as favourite to get the job.
However, mutterings early in the piece suggested a former coach, who had been the former coach’s coach, should become coach again,  because the preceding coach had fallen out with the ODI coach, and the preceding coach had an important role in deciding the next coach. Got that?
We had new selectors. One was a coach who did not get on with Kevin Pietersen.
The new coach was appointed, The ODI coach, not allowed to pick his primary T20 player, did not succeed, and lost to the Netherlands. This provided enough justification to deny the ODI coach the full coaching position, and employ the former coach, the preceding coach’s coach, as new head coach.
That the new coach, like the preceding coach, but unlike the ODI coach, had disagrements with Pietersen in the past, he was appointed coach.
The new MD, now not on official gardening leave, called the former coach, who had been sacked before the preceding coach took over, was the best coach of his generation. Or was it finest. Who cares?
There was aplomb all round.

Then we lost an ODI series to Sri Lanka, where we played dull cricket and Alastair Cook scored few runs.
Then we drew the first test, which we would have won but for “six inches of carry”, and Alastair Cook scored few runs.
Then we lost the second test, where we held a sizeable first innings lead, saw brainless bowling and braindead captaincy on Day 4, and lost with a a ball remaining (if we had survived two more balls, added to a few inches of carry = test series win), and Alastair Cook scored few runs.
Then we backed our captain, and also backed a former captain who uttered a naughty word on TV about Kevin Pietersen.
We drew the first test against India, which was dull and featured 10th wicket partnerships, and Alastair Cook made few runs.
By this time, our MD had looked up the meaining of the word Confidentiality in a dictionary.
We lost the second test against India, on the back of abject first day leadership, and poor batting on Day 5, and Alastair Cook made few runs.
But he was a man made of steel. Or is it iron?
Then, there was a miracle. Cook scored 95 runs in Test Number 3, and there was much rejoicing.
He followed it up with another 70 or so in the second innings, and India were vanquished.
There then followed the 4th Test, and another win, with great comfort, and then the 5th test, with a repeat. In the 5th, Cook made another half century, although he was dropped a few times. But there was much rejoicing.

Meanwhile, KP was not scoring runs in T20 cricket and was booed on Finals Day.

On the back of the amazing turnaround, facilitated by a good environment, we went on to be humped in an ODI series in India. Alastair Cook made few runs, and questions were asked in the parish. “Not going anywhere” said the powers that be. Test series win. Good environment. Exciting and fresh.
Squad named for Sri Lanka tour, and Cook is named captain. No doubts…..

I’ve run out of time, so will continue this in the next day or so. It’s a soap opera all right…..

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28 thoughts on “Soap

  1. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 2:02 pm

    Soap gets in your eyes…
    Cocked-up Cook-roaches
    Coached by dopes – blind-eyed
    Blather and regressive blame
    Soaping and hoping, forget the game
    Game plans extracted from a slow PC
    Outdated and belated, sick now, queasy we be
    The PC/ECB elan of our Lords’ed 4th Estate
    Scurrying to curry favour before it’s too late
    The ICC 3 may become 2 too soon in a while
    As internal over-indulgence leads to bilious bile
    ECB the pawn on the prawn barbie
    A doll so dull, no longer a BCCI harpie
    Management speak over many a whine
    Damage limitation all that matters in their mind
    Food for forward thought, with empty plates
    In-house feuds forewarn, a daunting perilous state
    Time to empty the inside and outside drains
    Wash our hands, a clean sweep, fresh ideas, clear and plain
    Throw all the ECB babies out with the bathwater
    As this ongoing soap is to be so despised…

    Like

    • thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 2:06 pm

      Arghh! Missing last line!!!

      So, inside and outside, we oughta!

      Like

  2. paule Mar 19, 2015 / 2:29 pm

    I’m assuming Andy Flower’s the ventriloquist to Downton’s dummy?

    Like

  3. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 2:46 pm

    This
    Is Quite The Commotion
    Where taking the p!ss
    Shows the ECB’s devotion
    To their own chaos theory
    Towards any reality query…

    This
    Is where England Cricket stands
    Sat on their hands whilst hiding their eyes
    Perpetuating the bland
    Whilst massaging the lies
    Warding away the outsiders despised…

    This
    Is where their failed foundation collapses
    Under the crumbling 4th estate
    Slowly awakening to or covering their lapses
    Truth evolving e’en if too late
    Summoning a summer finality debate

    This
    Is what we all knew was the truth
    The cracks in the self-love addicts grow wide
    Cricket overshadowed by shallowness proved
    Slack standards in abandoned principles reside
    This tidal-wave of questions from outside to inside

    This
    Is The Right Commotion

    (for the good of Cricket)

    Like

  4. Burly Mar 19, 2015 / 3:03 pm

    “The outstanding coach of his generation”, IIRC…

    Like

  5. Boz Mar 19, 2015 / 3:08 pm

    You should make a movie called “No Balls & Testicles” – it will be a minor hit outside St Johns Wood – I’ll happily promote it :0)

    Like

  6. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 3:38 pm

    No Balls and Test Tickles…

    They overstepped the mark
    Laid down by the MCC
    They didn’t hear the umpires call, but hark!
    In St Johns Wood, there became, an awakening, here, see…

    The grandeurs in their breakfast ties
    Awoke to the bluster and kerfuffle ‘outside’
    They read the writings of the ‘inner collective’
    Who wrote and scrote without being objective
    Plying their underlying ‘exclusives’ and derivatives
    Slyly feeding pliant lies…

    The management spoke
    Evoking particular ‘balls’ speak
    An attempt to preempt and evoke
    Cookies enabled, power to seek
    With Umms and Errs, he choked…

    So the lightning-Rod fell soon
    And Downtown went back to Bankers bliss
    Flowerpot man failed to make remaining little-weeds swoon
    And so left without a Whitlesskers kiss
    So left bereft was MooresThePityful
    His lappy infected by viral ‘Go Now’ calls
    He went in search of slow bouncer balls…

    Like

  7. SimonH Mar 19, 2015 / 3:41 pm

    Sometimes the manner in which a question is phrased betrays what the questioner believes to be the answer…..

    The conversation that follows is worth a look.

    Like

    • SimonH Mar 19, 2015 / 5:42 pm

      Oh, and Peter Miller has a link to the most spectacularly idiotic KP-hate-tweet this year. I won’t post a direct link – you’ve got to want to see this one.

      A comfort on this day when the regular source of KP-hate-tweets has disappeared.

      Like

      • ZeroBullshit Mar 19, 2015 / 6:25 pm

        Some people are so sick in the head Simon.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Arron Wright Mar 19, 2015 / 6:22 pm

      Would Agnew of Uppingham and Leics be referring to National Selector Whitaker of Uppingham and Leics?

      Like

    • Annie Weatherly-Barton Mar 19, 2015 / 11:59 pm

      What is wrong with Agnew? He says he is disgusted with the ECB but still continues to blame KP? Agnew has completely lost the plot! Why don’t they all see the real issues here? What is wrong with these people? I just don’t get it.

      Like

  8. BoerInAustria Mar 19, 2015 / 3:47 pm

    The problem with this soap opera, it is a reallity show.

    Speaking off – Flintoff winning the Jungle King must be the cricketing achievement Cook has been refering to?

    Like

  9. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 4:07 pm

    theslogfather.wordpress.com – cricket based poetry – go look, sorry for the plug!

    Also

    TheBogfather
    thebogfather.wordpress.com – poetry for all – be amazed at the variety

    LCL – please feel free to delete this self-plugging link!

    Like

    • Boz Mar 19, 2015 / 4:25 pm

      Ian Gould, umpire extraordinaire, would have no balled you for that

      Like

      • thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 4:32 pm

        Purely a below-chest height beamer…no DRS available

        Like

  10. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 4:36 pm

    Piers Morgan (yes I know he’s a self-loving dick) on talkSPORT now…

    Like

  11. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 4:52 pm

    and LizzieAmmon too, seems like those just outside the inside are in?

    Like

    • thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 4:59 pm

      trying to get on talkSPORT to give a true ‘outside’ opinion – I used to be a regular on there a few years ago – not commenting, but winning loads of competitions! lol

      Like

  12. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 5:22 pm

    As a result
    Reaching a tumult
    Multiple in-house fighting
    Delighting us ‘outside’, yet so frightening
    That both ECB and most press parties
    Are blinkered from the reality felt so hearty
    By us, the unwanted unless we pay
    And have nothing untoward to say
    How dare we?
    How? Daring we be
    To continue this fight
    For our right
    To enjoy our game
    Without their self-imposed shame
    Thus
    We shall…

    Liked by 1 person

  13. thebogfather Mar 19, 2015 / 5:58 pm

    As a result, I’d better go now and get all soaped up – sorry for clogging up your blog LCL 😉

    Like

      • thebogfather Mar 20, 2015 / 7:30 am

        Thanks, your words inspire mine! I could never write a prose-blog anywhere near the quality of yours, I find pomes easier!

        Like

  14. Rooto Mar 19, 2015 / 7:00 pm

    I was waiting for it, you didn’t disappoint. Sometimes the timing makes the most obvious joke delectable, well done:

    “And there was much rejoicing.”

    Like

  15. Benny Mar 19, 2015 / 9:15 pm

    LCL that was brilliant. Oh and I loved Soap

    Like

  16. man in a barrel Mar 19, 2015 / 9:55 pm

    If only Cook had been there to lead his lads against Aus, NZ, and Sri Lanka, history would have changed. So Cook thinks he is a leader now?

    Like

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