If any of you have ever seen the youtube clip of the fake caller on the OJ Simpson stand-off over two decades ago, you may recall one of his phrases being “this is quite the commotion”.
This sums up England cricket in five words. This is quite the commotion. I thought I’d take a few minutes out of my day, on my lunch break, to review where we are at this time. It’s like an episode of that (in)famous US programme of a byegone era called Soap. All this, and more, will become clear….
Last year England lost the Ashes 5-0.
As a result, the coach of the test team resigned.
As a result the coach of the test team took on a supremo role with purpose not clear.
A new Managing Director had been appointed, and on his gardening leave (or whatever) watched a three-day test at the fag end of a disaster.
As a result of these observations, and in concert with an outgoing coach, Kevin Pietersen was identified as a problem to deal with.
As a result, Pietersen was told that England were moving on without him.
As a result, PIetersen sought freedom from his contract to earn money in the IPL and CPL.
As a result, England excluded their top runscorer on the previous tour.
The captain remained unchallenged despite 10 tests passing since his last century and, of course, a 5-0 loss.
Given the Chairman of Selectors had resigned, a new Chairman was in place. His name is James Whitaker.
After the coach had rsigned, the ODI coach was seen as favourite to get the job.
However, mutterings early in the piece suggested a former coach, who had been the former coach’s coach, should become coach again, because the preceding coach had fallen out with the ODI coach, and the preceding coach had an important role in deciding the next coach. Got that?
We had new selectors. One was a coach who did not get on with Kevin Pietersen.
The new coach was appointed, The ODI coach, not allowed to pick his primary T20 player, did not succeed, and lost to the Netherlands. This provided enough justification to deny the ODI coach the full coaching position, and employ the former coach, the preceding coach’s coach, as new head coach.
That the new coach, like the preceding coach, but unlike the ODI coach, had disagrements with Pietersen in the past, he was appointed coach.
The new MD, now not on official gardening leave, called the former coach, who had been sacked before the preceding coach took over, was the best coach of his generation. Or was it finest. Who cares?
There was aplomb all round.
Then we lost an ODI series to Sri Lanka, where we played dull cricket and Alastair Cook scored few runs.
Then we drew the first test, which we would have won but for “six inches of carry”, and Alastair Cook scored few runs.
Then we lost the second test, where we held a sizeable first innings lead, saw brainless bowling and braindead captaincy on Day 4, and lost with a a ball remaining (if we had survived two more balls, added to a few inches of carry = test series win), and Alastair Cook scored few runs.
Then we backed our captain, and also backed a former captain who uttered a naughty word on TV about Kevin Pietersen.
We drew the first test against India, which was dull and featured 10th wicket partnerships, and Alastair Cook made few runs.
By this time, our MD had looked up the meaining of the word Confidentiality in a dictionary.
We lost the second test against India, on the back of abject first day leadership, and poor batting on Day 5, and Alastair Cook made few runs.
But he was a man made of steel. Or is it iron?
Then, there was a miracle. Cook scored 95 runs in Test Number 3, and there was much rejoicing.
He followed it up with another 70 or so in the second innings, and India were vanquished.
There then followed the 4th Test, and another win, with great comfort, and then the 5th test, with a repeat. In the 5th, Cook made another half century, although he was dropped a few times. But there was much rejoicing.
Meanwhile, KP was not scoring runs in T20 cricket and was booed on Finals Day.
On the back of the amazing turnaround, facilitated by a good environment, we went on to be humped in an ODI series in India. Alastair Cook made few runs, and questions were asked in the parish. “Not going anywhere” said the powers that be. Test series win. Good environment. Exciting and fresh.
Squad named for Sri Lanka tour, and Cook is named captain. No doubts…..
I’ve run out of time, so will continue this in the next day or so. It’s a soap opera all right…..
Being Outside Cricket 
Soap gets in your eyes…
Cocked-up Cook-roaches
Coached by dopes – blind-eyed
Blather and regressive blame
Soaping and hoping, forget the game
Game plans extracted from a slow PC
Outdated and belated, sick now, queasy we be
The PC/ECB elan of our Lords’ed 4th Estate
Scurrying to curry favour before it’s too late
The ICC 3 may become 2 too soon in a while
As internal over-indulgence leads to bilious bile
ECB the pawn on the prawn barbie
A doll so dull, no longer a BCCI harpie
Management speak over many a whine
Damage limitation all that matters in their mind
Food for forward thought, with empty plates
In-house feuds forewarn, a daunting perilous state
Time to empty the inside and outside drains
Wash our hands, a clean sweep, fresh ideas, clear and plain
Throw all the ECB babies out with the bathwater
As this ongoing soap is to be so despised…
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Arghh! Missing last line!!!
So, inside and outside, we oughta!
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I’m assuming Andy Flower’s the ventriloquist to Downton’s dummy?
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Each is the other’s puppet, muppets all!
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This
Is Quite The Commotion
Where taking the p!ss
Shows the ECB’s devotion
To their own chaos theory
Towards any reality query…
This
Is where England Cricket stands
Sat on their hands whilst hiding their eyes
Perpetuating the bland
Whilst massaging the lies
Warding away the outsiders despised…
This
Is where their failed foundation collapses
Under the crumbling 4th estate
Slowly awakening to or covering their lapses
Truth evolving e’en if too late
Summoning a summer finality debate
This
Is what we all knew was the truth
The cracks in the self-love addicts grow wide
Cricket overshadowed by shallowness proved
Slack standards in abandoned principles reside
This tidal-wave of questions from outside to inside
This
Is The Right Commotion
(for the good of Cricket)
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“The outstanding coach of his generation”, IIRC…
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You should make a movie called “No Balls & Testicles” – it will be a minor hit outside St Johns Wood – I’ll happily promote it :0)
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No Balls and Test Tickles…
They overstepped the mark
Laid down by the MCC
They didn’t hear the umpires call, but hark!
In St Johns Wood, there became, an awakening, here, see…
The grandeurs in their breakfast ties
Awoke to the bluster and kerfuffle ‘outside’
They read the writings of the ‘inner collective’
Who wrote and scrote without being objective
Plying their underlying ‘exclusives’ and derivatives
Slyly feeding pliant lies…
The management spoke
Evoking particular ‘balls’ speak
An attempt to preempt and evoke
Cookies enabled, power to seek
With Umms and Errs, he choked…
So the lightning-Rod fell soon
And Downtown went back to Bankers bliss
Flowerpot man failed to make remaining little-weeds swoon
And so left without a Whitlesskers kiss
So left bereft was MooresThePityful
His lappy infected by viral ‘Go Now’ calls
He went in search of slow bouncer balls…
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Sometimes the manner in which a question is phrased betrays what the questioner believes to be the answer…..
https://twitter.com/Aggerscricket/status/578374230410022912
The conversation that follows is worth a look.
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Oh, and Peter Miller has a link to the most spectacularly idiotic KP-hate-tweet this year. I won’t post a direct link – you’ve got to want to see this one.
A comfort on this day when the regular source of KP-hate-tweets has disappeared.
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It’s all KP’S fault. Everything. Deranged.
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Some people are so sick in the head Simon.
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Would Agnew of Uppingham and Leics be referring to National Selector Whitaker of Uppingham and Leics?
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What is wrong with Agnew? He says he is disgusted with the ECB but still continues to blame KP? Agnew has completely lost the plot! Why don’t they all see the real issues here? What is wrong with these people? I just don’t get it.
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The problem with this soap opera, it is a reallity show.
Speaking off – Flintoff winning the Jungle King must be the cricketing achievement Cook has been refering to?
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theslogfather.wordpress.com – cricket based poetry – go look, sorry for the plug!
Also
TheBogfather
thebogfather.wordpress.com – poetry for all – be amazed at the variety
LCL – please feel free to delete this self-plugging link!
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Ian Gould, umpire extraordinaire, would have no balled you for that
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Purely a below-chest height beamer…no DRS available
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Piers Morgan (yes I know he’s a self-loving dick) on talkSPORT now…
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and LizzieAmmon too, seems like those just outside the inside are in?
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trying to get on talkSPORT to give a true ‘outside’ opinion – I used to be a regular on there a few years ago – not commenting, but winning loads of competitions! lol
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As a result
Reaching a tumult
Multiple in-house fighting
Delighting us ‘outside’, yet so frightening
That both ECB and most press parties
Are blinkered from the reality felt so hearty
By us, the unwanted unless we pay
And have nothing untoward to say
How dare we?
How? Daring we be
To continue this fight
For our right
To enjoy our game
Without their self-imposed shame
Thus
We shall…
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As a result, I’d better go now and get all soaped up – sorry for clogging up your blog LCL 😉
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No problems. It’s convivial Thursday.
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Thanks, your words inspire mine! I could never write a prose-blog anywhere near the quality of yours, I find pomes easier!
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I was waiting for it, you didn’t disappoint. Sometimes the timing makes the most obvious joke delectable, well done:
“And there was much rejoicing.”
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LCL that was brilliant. Oh and I loved Soap
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If only Cook had been there to lead his lads against Aus, NZ, and Sri Lanka, history would have changed. So Cook thinks he is a leader now?
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