2025/26 Ashes

You’re On The Road, But You Have No Destination

LordCanisLupus1 Comment

The Not Watching The Ashes Chronicles – Part 3

You’d think I’d learn. That I would learn that England’s test team would always have done this. It’s not unprecedented. Put themselves in a decent spot, and then go down in flames. I kept harking back to Brisbane 1990 – where we got skittled, we skittled them for an unexpected lead, but instead of consolidating, we flumped again, and Aussie won by 10 wickets.

Truth is, it feels as the quality of the oppo goes up, the more we need the experienced pros to step up with the bat. Stokes and Root mainly, but the rest have been in the side for a while now. We had the best all round opener in the world in the summer (Ben Duckett, and he never was that), we have the prodigal plonker in next captain Harry Brook (I mean, seriously, how could you follow a bloke that bats the way he does) and by far the best player in county cricket in Ollie Pope, except he isn’t even that any more. And seriously, if Jacob Bethell is the answer, it’s a pretty daft question. I am just going to ignore Zak Crawley at this point, because the Aussie scoreboard did.

Not watched a ball today, and as soon as we didn’t get Travis Head early, England were done for. We all, in our heart of hearts, knew this was going to happen. Hope is not a strategy. Getting lucky twice is not a game plan. It might come off once on this tour, this might even have been it “coming off” for at least one madcap day, and lord did it get the Aussies worried (they are all being ever so cocksure today, but they were worried) but in the end, cricketing gravity worked itself out. This does feel like two bald fellas arguing over a comb, except they are high on meth, roided up and drinking Red Bull by the gallon.

Sigh.

And another sigh.

Maybe more later. I’ve got a dog to walk.

Look In The View Mirror, Is He Hot On My Tracks?

LordCanisLupus4 Comments

The Not Watching The Ashes Chronicles – Part 2

I think there is some sort of madness at play here. All last night there was the sort of fevered excitement that recalled my time as a child on Christmas Eve, except I was the grumpy parent who had to pay for all the effing presents this time. Outside looking in. People who had their TNT contracts in place, not really caring that the company has just lost its crown jewel and will probably go the way of test match batting, but moaning at the commentators, when Sky hasn’t shown an Ashes tour since KP was in the England team. Or if you hate him, Graham Swann. There’s a choice of two shrinking violets for you. I think cricket lends itself to professional broadcasters, not cricketers who can talk. There’s a huge difference. I have no idea how good the comms were, so I’ll leave it to anyone who cares.

So I first woke up at around 4am. I am a dodgy sleeper, as my wristband tells me most nights, but I had gone a full 4 hours asleep so that is quite rare. I flick on the phone and I see England are 74 for 3. No idea if we won the toss – I don’t miss the stream of Tweets to tell me that from everyone and their mutt – but my first reaction was “not awful”. A quick bleary eyed look to see Crawley was out in the first over. Hey, the last time we won the Ashes overseas we lost a wicket in the first over, (let’s not mention the last time it happened though, Rory). Also noted that Pope had 36 not out and had held the top order together. Hmmm. And Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Joe Root got a duck. Even more hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

So I tried to go back to sleep and then started wondering if I’d imagined anything, and the sleep was restless, but I had to get into a rhythm of not staying awake all night. My job is so much harder than the earlier days of the blogging (one of the deals I am working on at the moment made BBC News World page lead – a bit tense – this week) so I need the rest and had another call this morning. But in between dreams of buying bags of crisps at a mythical supermarket at the end of Grove Street, Deptford (analyse that!) where they were giving away free Honey Nut Cornflakes (who is the nut here) I give in and at 7 I pick up the phone.

England (32.5) 172

Australia (4.1) 0/1

WHAT!

172 in 32 overs. Is Smith batting three, Labuschagne opening, where’s Khawaja (answer appeared to be “on the toilet”) and why haven’t they got any runs? Who is Weatherald? How many did Pope get?

I have a call at 9 am, at home, the only thing vital today until my client loses his shit, so stay in bed as it is too cold to get up, and go back into another doze, where I find out that my desire for crisps and honey nut cornflakes meant I forgot the beer, and then wake up to see it is Aussie at 61/4. Hmmm. IS SMITH OUT?????

The live comms says the batsmen are Head and Green. Good. No Smith. Try to doze a bit more. Not getting anywhere, and they are in the 70s now. Doze again, alarm is at 8:30 – the joy of home working – but sleep is difficult. Wake up, and it is 100/6. Er. Game on. Then each time I look another wicket. “ALEXA, what’s the England cricket score. 117/7. It’s 8 by the time the coffee is made. 9 by the time I have finished the call, I switch on BBC Sounds for the last over at 10 to 10.

This made Day 1 at Lord’s 2005 look like the Vicarage Fete. But not by much. That day it was 282 for 17 wickets in 77.2 overs – today it is 295 runs for 19 wickets in 71.5 overs. “C’est l’Ashes, c’est la folie” as might have been said.

I am not going to analyse something I haven’t watched, but will try to catch BBC IPlayer later. From the outside the twitterverse went loony at half-time, and punch drunk and staggering around at close. Probably like my mate who got this as his first day’s test cricket overseas. (Mine? 364 for 2, Nasser’s toss, the Aussie screaming “Wanker” at Matthew Hoggard all day, Simon Jones). If he’s not off his head by the end of the day, he’s not doing it properly.

The tale of the tape is that Mitchell Starc took 7 for 58. Always thought he was a really decent strike bowler, and that others got the plaudits, and he’s been around a while. This is his 101st test? 400+ wickets. Fair player in this era. England contributions was from “Daft As A Brush” Harry Brook with 52, Ollie “Bad Body Language” Pope with 46 and a bang crash 33 from Jamie Smith.

England got a wicket with the second ball of the innings, to dismiss debutant Weatherald, and Ben Stokes came on later on to brush up the middle and lower order, no doubt to be ribbed by Josh Tongue at the end of the day. Our FIVE seamers, almost heresy to the Twitterati, seemed to be the plan here. In the limited comms I heard, Tuffers was going on about how this was perfect for Stokes, a true piece of “after the fact” punditry that I had to admire the brazen cheek of. Next, I am going to tell you that it was a brilliant idea that with four rocket paced seamers, and Greenidge, Richards and Haynes in my line-up, I wouldn’t be preparing dust bowls in the Caribbean.

So basically, glass half empty, rather than my usual “what glass” attitude, the game is still very finely balanced. It is giving me flashbacks of another Ashes opener – Brisbane 1990. Not in pace. England were bowled out for 194 in a snail-paced 78 overs (imagine that!!!!) and England fought back to bowl the hosts out for 152 in a barely quicker – actually less RPO – 63 overs. Let’s not talk about the rest of it, or how Australia ended up winning by 10 wickets now.

So the day is over, and all that remains is to see how the Doorman is taking it. He’s had a pop at Stuart Broad for being his favourite word “sanctimonious”. I don’t think he knows what the word means, but he does love using it. He thinks Mitchell Starc will be filthy for having to bat 2 hours after he’d bowled England out, but I am sure he must have had a shower, or does Doorman know too much about their ablution habits (the Aussies think Poms avoid the soap dish, just ask them). He was a little cocky at the start of the subsidence

Nicely tagging in the ECB, who probably wonder who this frightful fellow is.

He retweeted this bloody con… you get lunch, see one ball, listen to a one eyed commentator who seems one of the few jobless at this point, and then you are turfed out.

I’ve not read this article yet…

I can’t wait.

Post-play….. It’s all gone a bit quiet.

See you tomorrow.

UPDATE…. WE HAVE A DOORMAN SIGHTING! It is as insightful as it is churlish. Did England bowl well, Malcolm. Come on now, you can say it, it won’t hurt. I promise…

Get From In Front Of Me….

LordCanisLupus3 Comments

The Not Watching The Ashes Chronicles – Part 1

I mentioned in my last post that I don’t have the TV subscription for TNT Sports to watch the Ashes. I don’t want to look for dodgy streams or such like, and given my sleep patterns are all over the shop, more disruption to them is the last thing I need. But I will still want to know what is going on and how, so the aim, and that’s ambitious in itself when my long-term planning is about a week in advance, is to jot down some thoughts as this series rattles by in the 45 days or so they plan to play it in. Not so much match reports, because of course I won’t be watching, but thoughts. Hopefully short. But I doubt it….

My first one, and this comes as little to no surprise is why is Malcolm Conn still gainfully employed. I see he has an article in The Cricketer this month where he has a go, hold on to your hats here, at England. Pick yourself up off the floor. Right now, well actually he’s been for a while, the equivalent of the Arthur Bostrom character in Allo Allo as the gendarmerie that went “Good Moaning”. Marginally funny the first time, but ten series later, absolutely ball achingly tedious. Today he has risen to the challenge of Steve Smith’s honour as Monty Panesar takes the role of “sanctimonious” Pom for daring to mention that Smith’s team got caught banged to rights with cheating and squealed about it.

The press conference bouncer for those lachrymose mea culpae was Conn. He thought us laughing at them tearing apart was us being sanctimonious, whereas we were just wetting ourselves. Our Conn has a bit of a thing about urination – his jibe back was Monty’s “let it rain” moment on a night club attendant, which of course was preceded by Conn losing his bladder control over England celebrating the Ashes at OUR Oval. He’s a strange one. He genuinely thinks he winds us up. There’s a difference, doorman, between winding us up and pitying you.

I remember my first Ashes tour of 2002, when Vaughan got a century pre-Brisbane, and the doorman called it the luckiest century he’d ever seen. He berated Caddick for taking a wicket at The Gabba on England’s comeback (temporary) 2nd day in whatever pamphlet paid his wages, to which in a holiday tour video my quote was “If Conn says one positive thing about England while I am out here, I’ll eat this hat I’m wearing.” If you want a laugh about this guy’s cricket knowledge, catch him on the Cricket Writers On TV he appeared on – I could not stop laughing! Out of his depth.

When we got hammered in Brisbane in 2006, and started at Adelaide with a promising Day 1 score of around 275 for 3, the whingeing conn accused England of killing cricket. A clown. Why did The Cricketer think giving him a space when more talented writers like Derek Pringle or Paul Newman are about. By the way, on my hiatus from blogging, and at the suggestion a number of years ago from Nick Hoult, I read Pringle’s book. It’s good. Yes, you read that, it’s good. Not great. Good.

The sandpaper thingamy is hilarious. We don’t necessarily think that we are angels, but when the Aussies sanctified their own conduct about the line while talking about breaking fucking arms, to be so gloriously hoisted on their own petard was quite enthralling. Keep it going. They clearly don’t like that up ’em.

As for the first test, a great friend is out there, flaunting Little Creatures, stadium tour of the WACA and lovely weather while I freeze in my Hampshire bolt-hole. Jealous, but not. My days of this have passed due to the anxiety and mental health stuff. But there have been frequent pauses to think of those tours, especially the first one. There is nothing like an Ashes overseas. Although Adelaide in 2006 was traumatic for many reasons, including having my wallet stolen in Glenelg, it is still a memorable match. I was there. Oh God, I was there.

England might name a spinner, but probably won’t. Ollie Pope is in the hot seat for his batting place, and while I can see why, I think Crawley should be too. I was tickled by the reaction to Harry Brook’s madcap dismissal in the knockabout game as being “daft as a brush” “not enough brains” etc., but if a certain batsman from over a decade ago did that his loyalty to the team was questioned. Still the stinking hypocrisy grates.

As for Australia, the bowling looks a bit thin on paper, but it won’t be. Unless Dougie Bollinger has been revived, or Michael Beer/Ashton Agar/Xavier Doherty is in the wings. As for the batting, they will score runs, enough runs, to beat us. Smith will be Smith, Head will make two tons, Khawaja will have the test where you never look like getting him out, Labuschagne will come to some sort of form, Cam Green will become Mitchell Marsh, and Alex Carey will get one ton. England have had two, I think, century makers in the last two tours and neither are playing – Jonny Bairstow and Dawid Malan. Don’t think there is anyone else. I’m trusting my failing memory now.

Look, as the Aussies might say, I don’t expect a welter of hits. Not going to happen. But I do still love the writing of stuff, and this is me trying to work back some enthusiasm for a sport that has treated me, and many others, like total shit. The sport does not deserve us, but we are where we are because cricket is great, especially the longer forms. The Ashes is overhyped, but over there this time. The journos out there, all nicely expensed up, are showing us just how nice it is, and us poor hardworking souls are left in the bitter cold to wonder just what is happening and how the hell does BBC Sounds work? I feel so old. I got my hopes up when it said it was on Discovery + but then discovered (geddit) that my subscription for that channel, that I’ve never watched, doesn’t extend to this. So are there highlights somewhere? Or am I relying on Twitter Clips?

Whatever. Let’s see how this goes. If you have read this, thanks. Judging by the hits, you won’t. C’est La Vie. Got to take the rough side with the smooth. I’m not here to con you.