The Not Watching The Ashes Chronicles – Part 1

I mentioned in my last post that I don’t have the TV subscription for TNT Sports to watch the Ashes. I don’t want to look for dodgy streams or such like, and given my sleep patterns are all over the shop, more disruption to them is the last thing I need. But I will still want to know what is going on and how, so the aim, and that’s ambitious in itself when my long-term planning is about a week in advance, is to jot down some thoughts as this series rattles by in the 45 days or so they plan to play it in. Not so much match reports, because of course I won’t be watching, but thoughts. Hopefully short. But I doubt it….

My first one, and this comes as little to no surprise is why is Malcolm Conn still gainfully employed. I see he has an article in The Cricketer this month where he has a go, hold on to your hats here, at England. Pick yourself up off the floor. Right now, well actually he’s been for a while, the equivalent of the Arthur Bostrom character in Allo Allo as the gendarmerie that went “Good Moaning”. Marginally funny the first time, but ten series later, absolutely ball achingly tedious. Today he has risen to the challenge of Steve Smith’s honour as Monty Panesar takes the role of “sanctimonious” Pom for daring to mention that Smith’s team got caught banged to rights with cheating and squealed about it.

The press conference bouncer for those lachrymose mea culpae was Conn. He thought us laughing at them tearing apart was us being sanctimonious, whereas we were just wetting ourselves. Our Conn has a bit of a thing about urination – his jibe back was Monty’s “let it rain” moment on a night club attendant, which of course was preceded by Conn losing his bladder control over England celebrating the Ashes at OUR Oval. He’s a strange one. He genuinely thinks he winds us up. There’s a difference, doorman, between winding us up and pitying you.

I remember my first Ashes tour of 2002, when Vaughan got a century pre-Brisbane, and the doorman called it the luckiest century he’d ever seen. He berated Caddick for taking a wicket at The Gabba on England’s comeback (temporary) 2nd day in whatever pamphlet paid his wages, to which in a holiday tour video my quote was “If Conn says one positive thing about England while I am out here, I’ll eat this hat I’m wearing.” If you want a laugh about this guy’s cricket knowledge, catch him on the Cricket Writers On TV he appeared on – I could not stop laughing! Out of his depth.

When we got hammered in Brisbane in 2006, and started at Adelaide with a promising Day 1 score of around 275 for 3, the whingeing conn accused England of killing cricket. A clown. Why did The Cricketer think giving him a space when more talented writers like Derek Pringle or Paul Newman are about. By the way, on my hiatus from blogging, and at the suggestion a number of years ago from Nick Hoult, I read Pringle’s book. It’s good. Yes, you read that, it’s good. Not great. Good.

The sandpaper thingamy is hilarious. We don’t necessarily think that we are angels, but when the Aussies sanctified their own conduct about the line while talking about breaking fucking arms, to be so gloriously hoisted on their own petard was quite enthralling. Keep it going. They clearly don’t like that up ’em.

As for the first test, a great friend is out there, flaunting Little Creatures, stadium tour of the WACA and lovely weather while I freeze in my Hampshire bolt-hole. Jealous, but not. My days of this have passed due to the anxiety and mental health stuff. But there have been frequent pauses to think of those tours, especially the first one. There is nothing like an Ashes overseas. Although Adelaide in 2006 was traumatic for many reasons, including having my wallet stolen in Glenelg, it is still a memorable match. I was there. Oh God, I was there.

England might name a spinner, but probably won’t. Ollie Pope is in the hot seat for his batting place, and while I can see why, I think Crawley should be too. I was tickled by the reaction to Harry Brook’s madcap dismissal in the knockabout game as being “daft as a brush” “not enough brains” etc., but if a certain batsman from over a decade ago did that his loyalty to the team was questioned. Still the stinking hypocrisy grates.

As for Australia, the bowling looks a bit thin on paper, but it won’t be. Unless Dougie Bollinger has been revived, or Michael Beer/Ashton Agar/Xavier Doherty is in the wings. As for the batting, they will score runs, enough runs, to beat us. Smith will be Smith, Head will make two tons, Khawaja will have the test where you never look like getting him out, Labuschagne will come to some sort of form, Cam Green will become Mitchell Marsh, and Alex Carey will get one ton. England have had two, I think, century makers in the last two tours and neither are playing – Jonny Bairstow and Dawid Malan. Don’t think there is anyone else. I’m trusting my failing memory now.

Look, as the Aussies might say, I don’t expect a welter of hits. Not going to happen. But I do still love the writing of stuff, and this is me trying to work back some enthusiasm for a sport that has treated me, and many others, like total shit. The sport does not deserve us, but we are where we are because cricket is great, especially the longer forms. The Ashes is overhyped, but over there this time. The journos out there, all nicely expensed up, are showing us just how nice it is, and us poor hardworking souls are left in the bitter cold to wonder just what is happening and how the hell does BBC Sounds work? I feel so old. I got my hopes up when it said it was on Discovery + but then discovered (geddit) that my subscription for that channel, that I’ve never watched, doesn’t extend to this. So are there highlights somewhere? Or am I relying on Twitter Clips?

Whatever. Let’s see how this goes. If you have read this, thanks. Judging by the hits, you won’t. C’est La Vie. Got to take the rough side with the smooth. I’m not here to con you.