Month: Jun 2015

Ashes Panel

LordCanisLupus4 Comments

Just put up on Twitter that five lucky people (or unlucky) have just had the first set of questions e-mailed to them. Don’t worry if you’ve volunteered and you haven’t got some, because you will be next (or the one after) and all will get at least one set before the series starts. That’s the aim.

If you want to be on it (and I’m going to volunteer a few of you if you don’t) then drop me a line on dmitriold@hotmail.co.uk – I’ll need your e-mail address.

This might work, and I seem to think it will, or it might die a death, but we try here on Being Outside Cricket!

Also added a number of new random header shots, all from Ashes tests, all pictures taken by me. You’ll recognise one instantly if you were a reader of HDWLIA.

Dmitri’s Ashes Memories – Part 3 – TV Watching in 1985

LordCanisLupus9 Comments

Filling in a quick fifteen or so minutes in my lunchbreak I thought I’d take myself away from the personal appearances and instead look back at my favourite TV watching experience of the Ashes; 1985.

It wasn’t really a vintage series. You got the impression that England were far stronger in all departments, but like so many Aussie teams, we couldn’t nail them. That was until an amazing spell by Richard Ellison at Edgbaston, but more of that later.

I was a schoolboy cricketer at the time, going up from year-based cricket to the 1st and 2nd XI structure at my school. The 2nd ODI coincided with the only time I ever carried my bat in a cricket match (11 not out out of 36) for which honour I was dropped from the team a fortnight later. I have not changed much and had an almighty strop and told them where they could poke their bloody cricket (I played one more game, where I batted 10 to come in the last two overs to save the game. OK, but the number 9 was the kid who batted 11 for our year team and was awful as a batsman. The explosion after that…) I digress. I became our 1st XI scorer (and going on to score for England Schools) and this meant sitting in the scorebox listening to TMS while scoring our matches in the early part of the tour. Most notably the 1st Test at Headingley.

Now 1985 made me fall for Tim Robinson as a player. Sorry, but I was never a Foxy Fowler fan, and despite making 201 in Madras (as it was known then) two tests before the Headingley test, someone had to make way for Graham Gooch. It was Fowler, and Robinson made sure that this would last at least until the West Indies quicks dismantled him the following winter. England also brought back John Emburey, to replace venerable Pat Pocock. A winning team dropping players for those who put personal gain over their country…. let that statement stand.

Headingley memories are a headline after day 1 that said “Hilditch Carts The Rubbish”. England would have the last laugh over Andy, but he made an excellent first day hundred, but we still managed to eke out wickets. Australia’s innings fell away a little, making 331. I particularly liked Greg Ritchie’s batting and thought he was one for the future, but he didn’t really go on. Simon O’Donnell had made a century against the MCC (captained, I think, by Lord HawHaw Nicholas) but copped a first baller from Botham (LBW). England’s reply was interrupted by rain on the second day, but there had been a recovery after we lost Gooch (LBW) and Gower (caught behind) off new Aussie quick Craig McDermott. Gatting and Robinson put on a hundred, Lamb came in and made 38, and then into the bear pit came Ian Botham, with bright highlights in his mullet and a bad attitude. The great memory was him plonking Jeff Thomson into the stands for 6 and Thommo giving the ubiquitous salute to the Western Terrace! Robinson carried on and on, Emburey cracked a square cut that Richie Benaud thought was one of the hardest hit fours he’d ever seen, and even everyone’s favourite MD of England Cricket managed an aplomb-filled half century. Robinson, in his first test innings in England, made 175. England had a lead of 202.

I remember it being quite attritional getting the wickets on the Monday, but we had 5 down by the end of play, with David Boon and Wayne Phillips likely to stand in our way. Hilditch and Wessles put on over a hundred for the second wicket, but I was in the middle of exams so don’t think I got to watch much of it! I do remember watching Phillips go on to 91 and looking mightily impressive in doing so. Aussie made 324, with Emburey taking five wickets, and England wobbled in getting the runs. The match finished in farce when a steepling hook from Lamb was heading down Geoff Lawson’s throat, except he was surrounded by loads of fans running onto the pitch and had no chance. In modern day cricket this is never going to happen, and I could imagine the po-faced reaction to it if it did, but I don’t know, it was funny at the time. England had won by five wickets and were 1-0 up in the series.

The second test at Lord’s had a lot to live up to. The first day of the game coincided with a school cricket match to score, and I listened all day as England continuously lost wickets, making 290. Craig McDermott took 6 more English wickets, with Gower top scoring with 86. Did Gatting get out padding up? I seem to recall he might have…. Australia saw 290 and thought they were in with a shout. They were quickly 24 for 2 and 80 for 3, then 101 for 4 and it was game on. However, one of those wickets wasn’t Allan Border, and in that summer, the Aussies were not dead until Border was killed off. There was the infamous Gatting “catch that wasn’t” when Border was in his 80s I believe, but in alliance with Greg Ritchie, Border took Australia past the England score. Ritchie made 94, O’Donnell 48 and the captain a mighty 196. Australia were dismissed just before the end of day 3 for 425, and then made immediate inroads into the England team by dismissing both openers so that England finished the day 37/2 and had two night-watchment batting. They both went rapidly on day 4, and but for a partnership between Mike Gatting (75 not out) and Ian Botham (85 – batting at 8!) England would possibly have lost more comfortably. Nice to see our MD make a nice round one with aplomb – a first baller to Bob Holland who took 5 for 68.

Australia wobbled in getting the 127 needed, and if we’d have got Border early, we might have won. At 65 for 6, memories of 1981 were being invoked, but Border was still there, and Wayne Phillips made a 32 ball 29 to take his team to the brink of victory. This was an innings that caused Richie Benaud to say “word goes around that Wayne Phillips doesn’t know what a crisis is”. O’Donnell smacked the winning runs, and Australia’s choke-hold of Lord’s remained.

I’ll come back to this series as breakt-time is over. Any thoughts from you lot on this first part of the series?

An Ashes Exchange Of Views – Part 2 – Dennis asks, Dmitri Answers

LordCanisLupus42 Comments

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So you’ve read part one….. Now on to the questions set by Dennis of Dennis Does Cricket to me. These are my honest views, and feel free to take them to pieces if you wish!

1) Australia has the Brutal issue of having to squeeze four world class quicks into three spots. Who are the lucky three and why? 

England fans cannot believe you won’t pick Ryan Harris. He appears to have achieved that status reserved for a few Australians, in that I get the sense he’s really liked! I think we all love to see a bowler who suffers for his craft. That said, England have had enough experience of relying on old crocks with injury issues to know you should always go with the younger fitter model (I recall 2002/3 all too well, waiting on Gough and Flintoff) so unless Hazlewood gets monstered in the early tour matches, you should go with what you had in the West Indies. So it’s Johnson, Starc and Hazlewood, and Harris and Siddle up your sleeve. Of dear lordy.

2) Fawad Ahmed and Nathan Lyon lead the Shield wicket taking table last summer. Should the leg spinner be used in tandem with Nathan Lyon at any of the grounds? What about instead of Lyon?

My blog has Nathan Lyon’s number 1 fan (outside Australia) so I’m not ever suggesting he should not play. Nathan Lyon is a bloody good bowler, and the problem is that when you’ve had superstar spinners in your team, you always shoot for the moon (something we should remember now Lovejoy* isn’t in our team). Fawad Ahmed is an interesting wildcard, but none of the venues we are playing at are going to be raging Bunsens because we don’t have Swann any more. I think our allergy to leg-spin is overplayed a bit, but also the other reason for playing them – that they are great at getting tailenders out – is our problem rather than yours. You seem to take great pleasure in a 90mph left armer coming in to the lower order players and smashing them out. I don’t think there will be any “two spinners” wickets and I cannot see you dropping the lead singer in the Under the Southern Cross ensemble.

*Swann is called Lovejoy on here because of his remarkable similarity in personality to a much loved, sorry much loathed, football geezer of the 90s, called Tim Lovejoy. It’s a running joke.
 
3) How should Australia attempt to reduce the influence of Joe Root? 

I put the same question to you! We’re all going a bit mad about Joe Root, and why not? He has this knack of making big hundreds now, so once he’s in, and past the century mark, he’s not satisfied. The drop down to number 5 has been huge, but it also left a major hole we’ve not filled yet at opener. I’m a little disappointed, to be honest, because I’ve always felt 5 is the armchair position in the batting line-up; you’re not likely to be up against the new ball with fresh bowlers, and you get time before the marshalling of the tail (which Root is good at).

I think Root has the same sort of weaknesses as many other player, i.e. good bowlers, bowling well. Also, Australia will play on the mental side of things. He was dropped in the last series. He also, one innings apart, didn’t cut it as an opener in 2013. He has “mental scars”. We’re comparing him a lot to Steve Smith and I see much the same sort of characteristics in the two players. If they get in, watch out.

4) What tactics by Australia will cause the biggest headaches for the captaincy of Alastair Cook?

What was it Ricky Ponting said about the 2005 series? “Win the first test and let the British press do the rest”. That worked. 🙂 It needs something more tangible than that. He had a point at the time, though.

The one thing that 2014 and the fall-out from the whitewash proved is that Cook is, at the moment, unsackable. I’m aware not everyone agrees with me on that, but look how long we held on to him as ODI skipper against all the evidence. Now he’s scoring some runs again, he’s the saviour returned. He’s leading from the front. We can forgive his tactical abominations. The world has changed in 10 years – the press were complicit in the retaining of Cook – and now the British press are more likely to rally around a losing captain than bury him.

Cook’s series depends on him scoring runs. You’d think, by the way ECB-TV goes on, he’s only ever played one Ashes series, because every time he needed bolstering, the 2010/11 series is mentioned. If the Aussies pray on that off stump weakness, don’t feed his outlet shots, and bowl him to a standstill, he’s not going to hurt you. Whether the public will turn on him, I don’t know. The one side effect of this New Zealand ODI series is that without our behemoths, the new team looks like it is enjoying itself and playing like it. How much that attitude seeps through if we lose early will be interesting. If Cook is scoring runs and we are losing, the press over here might blow a gasket. 

5) Should Shane Watson’s position at 6 be in question?

Do you have anyone better? I’m a believer that if you don’t perform, you shouldn’t have a divine right to play – see Alastair Cook, 2014, see Ian Bell 2015 – but also that if he’s the best player and isn’t letting the side down, for his role, you can lose a lot of ground trying to find someone better. His last test here saw him make his career best, he’s used to the role, and although we laugh about his LBW review skills, he still appears a formidable presence even if he probably doesn’t back it up with stats. His bowling is also really useful for the team as he does perform an important role for Clarke.

Put it this way – if he’s one of your best players, you’re in trouble. If he’s one of your worst players, we’re in trouble. 

6) Will this be Clarke’s final Test series? If so, is Smith ready to fill his shoes? 

You’ll know that better than I, but the mood music appears to suggest Clarke’s coming to the end of the road, and it’s another couple of years before we go out to Australia to get smashed again. He’s won the World Cup, he’ll have another Ashes win in all probability so why not go out on top? I’m not sure what drives him these days.

I don’t really have a feel for Smith’s captaincy, and part of me thinks it is a little too soon. You have a tendency to not play retired captains, and he is just 26. If Australia will stick with him for 8 years even if the results turn for the worse then fine. I don’t think the captaincy has such a corrosive effect on Australian captains than it seems to on English ones in terms of batting form.

You can’t fail to be impressed by his attitude, his mental strength and his results. Wind back to our commentary teams (and yes, me) in 2010/11 when we laughed at his selection! Eating humble pie now.

7) The last Ashes series in the UK saw Australia constantly at 5/150 and requiring Haddin to save the day with the bat. Is this likely to happen again? 

Our propensity to go spectacularly off the rails when it comes to lower order batsmen is gaining legendary status. I have genuine fear that this will be a major difference in the two teams. We are simply not good at blowing away the tail. We don’t have express pace, not really, and we don’t have a spin bowler on form who can tease them out. If you want Exhibit A of this monumental inability, we refer to Day 4 at Headingley – this year it was at New Zealand tailenders, last year it was Angelo Mathews and Rangana Herath. We were pitiful. Haddin was a key last time, but he also, often got a lower order player to stay with him once the top order man he was with got out. It takes two to make partnerships.

So the ball goes into Brad Haddin’s court. Is he the same player as 18 months ago or are there now too many miles on the clock? Are the manner of his dismissals the sign of the twilight of a career? Was the 2013/14 series just a freak?

Frankly, I don’t think you’ll be 150/5 (this is an England piece, so not putting the numbers the wrong way around) very often. I think we’ll make pitches to make it a batting contest, and not feed your strengths. It’s why I fear what David Warner might do.

8) Haddin is averaging less with the bat that Nathan Lyon over the last 12 Test matches. Should Australia be worried about this, given his keeping is at the top its game? 

As long as he’s not keeping a Gilchrist-like figure out of the team, and he’s not a total liability with the bat, then fine. To turn the debate around, we brought Prior back into the test team last summer (with a tear in his achilles that turned out to be career-ending) and held back Jos Buttler. We all thought it was madness at the time, and were proved right. Prior wasn’t the same batsman, and was as mobile as a wheelie-bin behind the stumps. Who is backing up Haddin these days (hastily checks tour squad)? Peter Nevill, it seems, who is 29 and not exactly a young gun, but appears to have been picked on a good batting season for New South Wales.

If Haddin gets blown away early in the series, I’d be interested to see if any pressure is exerted from your press.

9) How should Australia play Anderson? Attack or defence? 

You seemed to have little trouble with him last time out. In fact there’s a school of thought that his tour de force at Trent Bridge in 2013 marked the high-water point for James, and it’s been a lot, lot tougher since. If Anderson isn’t taking wickets, we’re in trouble. You were pretty positive against him last time out in Australia, and rather more cautious over here. I don’t think Warner or Smith in particular are going to let him tie you down.

I know Anderson is a source for much of your “bantz” Dennis, but he’s quite a divisive character on the blog. I believe he’s one the diehard, love England regardless section adore, while some of the more cynical, jaded among us believe he got the record because he stayed upright longer than any of our other decent bowlers in the past 20 years.

I think my attitude to him could best be described as “tepid”. I find him remarkably dour and uninteresting, although I can’t ignore 400 test wickets -it’s a fact and he did it. My belief is that if he were around in 2005 bowling like this, I wouldn’t have picked him in our team. There’s a debate over whether he would have replaced Matthew Hoggard, but not for me (as he’d won us the South Africa series with his spell in Jo’burg). The first test will be key in setting the tone. Let Anderson get on top of you, and your batting might struggle to free the shackles. See him off, weather him at Lord’s where he usually performs, and I think you’ll have got the better of him.

10) Is Stokes capable of stealing a game or two off his own bat? 

No. And I like Ben Stokes. We see Stokes as a KP figure. He doesn’t appear to march to the disciplinary drum. We had someone like that recently.

The rub on KP, and you knew I’d get him in somewhere, is that individual performances are all well and good, but you need to be a team player, a team man, as if individuality doesn’t count as much in jolly old England. Stokes is almost the ultimate individual. He will play the most idiotic shots to get out, or bowl a load of old nonsense. That is the way he plays. He will get drunk on tour, or he’ll punch a locker, and the old heads and the stuffed shirts will sniff and snort, and want to teach him a lesson. I fear for him. He’s not nice amiable Jos, who won’t say a controversial word. He’s brash. He’ll give it a go.

Stokes had a brilliant Lord’s test against New Zealand, and immediately it’s “Flintoff this” or “Botham that” from our hyperbolic press or ECB-TV. There was great focus on his record paced 100, but it wasn’t even his best innings of the match. It was the 90-odd he made in the first innings, pulling us out of the 30/4 mire we were in. He got the two big beasts of New Zealand batting in the second innings, but his bowling is erratic, and while there is a lot of promise there, he’s still not a key cog in the bowling wheel as the other two mentioned above were. He’s the fourth one used, and there is no doubt that is his place.

That said, he’s exciting, he’s got talent, he has an attitude, he plays with passion and his heart on his sleeve. We’re a nation that loves that, when we’re winning, or when that individual is successful. But once that individual has a dip in form, watch out. As we saw last year when the media piled into him over his locker-punching incident and his inability to provide anything last summer. They’ll take the good times and be over him in the bad. That’s us. I think you call it “tall poppy syndrome”.

11) Which Englishmen are likely to quit mid series this time?

Ah. Damien Martyn syndrome, you mean? Well, if we’re 3-0 down I would imagine Alastair Cook might have to quit as captain, but then again, I thought he’d have gone ages ago. Anderson would be the likeliest, or maybe Broad, but they would be extreme long shots. I think Bell is more likely to be dropped than quit.

That tour was such a disaster it makes you wonder what was really going on. We are still wondering!!!!

12) Swann was the difference last time in the UK. Is Moeen any chance of getting close to having Swanns impact? Why no Rashid?

Ian Bell was the difference in the last series, and Stuart Broad too (as well as a one man show with the ball by Anderson at Trent Bridge) so I don’t agree with the immediate contention. Moeen Ali is, by most people’s definition, a decent county bat and a decent spin bowler, but he’s nowhere near Swann’s level. We did what we usually do as a media in this country – blow too much smoke up his arse when he has a couple of decent performances, and then say we told you so when he struggles. He now bats at 8, which is scandalous for a man with his ability if not results, and his bowling has been disappointing if you compare it to his early days.

Rashid is an unknown quantity to me in the long form of the game. I’m not a Yorkie, my county plays second division cricket, and I don’t like judging spin bowlers on one day form? Why no Rashid? Well, ask the brains trust out in the Caribbean that. He wasn’t played in the first game, supposedly, because he bowled badly in the nets. And boy, were we told he bowled badly in the nets. Again and again and again. That’s the way we roll. After that, Moeen came straight back into the team, and not pulled up any trees. It doesn’t look promising.

My thanks for Dennis’s co-operation, and he has expressed an interest in being on the Ashes panel this summer. It was a lot of fun for me putting the questions and answers together last weekend. Remember, Dennis can be found on his blog – http://dennisdoescricket.com/ – and on Twitter https://twitter.com/DennisCricket_ or @DennisCricket_ – so follow his unsubtle (unfunny, always!) japes at our expense……

Dmitri’s Ashes Memories – Part 2 – The First Day’s Test Cricket

LordCanisLupus11 Comments

I thought I’d write a short piece on my first ever day’s test cricket. A friend had a ticket for the 2nd day of the final test at The Oval in 1997 but then had to pull out at the last minute. At this stage the prospect of me ever getting to see a day of Ashes cricket felt remote, so to be offered this joyous thing the day before was mind-blowing. I cajoled a day off from my boss, cursed the weather forecast that said it would be one of those on-off days and prayed they were wrong. I went with two people I didn’t know that well, but knew some of my cricket club crowd would be there somewhere or other!

The journey from the wilds of South East London and then on the crowded tube train from London Bridge added to the excitement (and trepidation). The fast moving, threatening clouds were a hindrance, no, a bloody annoyance. I’d waited for this opportunity for years and the great British weather was going to spoil it. I knew it. All this excitement for nothing….. but still, no liquid came from the sky. There was hope.

Ticket in hand I went to the seat, which was in one of those stands which has now been replaced by the OCS behemoth. It might have been the Jardine Stand, it might have been the Fender. It didn’t matter one jot. What did was that England had been skittled for shirt buttons on the first day (by McGrath) and although Tuffers had nabbed a couple of wickets the previous night, England needed lots of wickets quickly to stay in the game.

As the players came out the weather closed in. The morning session saw at least two rain breaks, but in between the cricket was hard fought. At that time Greg Blewett was batting at three and he was mostly a flowing, exciteable batsman, but was in prime dig in mode. I seem to recall we got Mark Waugh early on. The Aussies had resumed on 77 for 2 (he says looking up the scorecard) and Mark got out with the score on 94. A 46 run partnership ensued between Steve Waugh and Blewett befor Caddick won an LBW decision against the former and Stewart stumped the latter off Tuffers 10 runs later. 150 for 5 in reply to 180 meant the game was back in the balance, even if the Aussies just held the upper hand.

I was absorbed into the contest. This didn’t feel like a dead rubber to me, but a cut and thrust contest between the oldest international rivals. You felt like you were somewhere special, in amongst it, living every ball of a gripping contest. It would be the first of sixteen consecutive Fridays at The Oval for me and I was hooked. And it got better. Ian Healy went after a scratchy old knock of 2 in 34 balls. Shaun Young, making his only appearance for Australia went immediately after, both caught behind by Stewart off Tufnell. 164 for 7 and Tufnell had six of them. This was brilliant.

Ricky Ponting remained in. At this stage of his career he was the young buck, fighting for his place in the herd, and his ton at Headingley two tests before had been a massively important innings. Now the man who would be a thorn in our side for years to come was the one man holding us back. He was redoubtable, mixing defence and attack as he eked out 40 vital runs before being the last man out with the score on 218 and a lead of 38. Except it wasn’t – overnight the TV replays upgraded a four made by Blewett to a six, and the final score was 220. Tufnell finished with figures of 7/66 and we had a game.

The weather stayed fair, I managed to get into the section where my club mates were, which was much more in line with the pitch. I saw England lose three wickets before the deficit was erased. Atherton fell first, but not to McGrath but Kasprowicz, who was embarking on a 7 for too. Stewart and Butcher fell LBW before the close, Hussain was rendered shotless (he made 2 in 50 balls) but stayed until the end, while I got to see my hero of the time, Thorpe do his thing and keep the England ship afloat. Just. The day finished with England 55/3. The third day, as we probably all remember was a thriller, as England defended a 124 target and bowled the Aussies out for 124. I think I went to see Millwall play York City (we lost 3-2).

The day was a blur. I had to use the scorecard as my prime trigger of memories. I just have a memory of Blewett and Ponting keeping us just enough at bay to keep the Aussies on top. But it was a day just to be treasured. Now, having gone to a lot of test cricket and such stuff, the memories of the first day seem almost childish (and I was in my late 20s at the time) and naive. But it’s that feeling of being a very insignificant part of history that makes it special. Awe inspiring. A privilege. I never forget that last bit. It’s a privilege to be able to be there. It shouldn’t be a matter of being privileged to do so.

The buzz, the business, the crowd. There’s no better place to be when you don’t feel like you are being soaked for cash. I did not get that sense then, and in fact for many, many years. This was an event where you could bring your own beer, for heaven’s sake. What was not to like?

I got a really great first day. I’d be interested to hear about your first day’s test cricket. Did it impress you as much as mine did for me?

With another Dmitri Ashes Memory, I bid you all a great day.

A Dmitri Ashes Memory – Brisbane 2002

LordCanisLupus8 Comments

Ashes

Well, hello. Settle in to a comfortable chair and let me introduce this little piece. I will pick out an Ashes memory of mine, and with my usual traits of brevity and waffle-free prose, explain what it meant to me and why you might give a stuff.

So I thought I’d turn to my first ever overseas test match to kick this little segment off. Back in the very old days of How Did We Lose In Adelaide, the blog was originally conceived as a spin off from a general diary I was doing at the time. I thought a cricket blog would work. What I had in mind, which is normal when I’m phenomenally bored in the office where most ideas gestate (either that or on the walk to the station), was to write a long story on my travails of the 2006/7 tour where I saw the calamitous loss in Adelaide, the loss in Perth (and missed the Gilchrist ton) and basically lose my sanity along with my wallet, and sunglasses, and money etc. as over a year of hell and damnation caught up with me (some of you might know both my parents died within 9 months of each other in 2005-6).

In the scene setter for another piece of work I never finished (I wanted to watch the whole test ball by ball, but my old DVD video recorder broke down during the test and my brother couldn’t retrieve it all) I recalled the 2002 tour and my first ever overseas test. At this time I was a single man, on the cusp of a relationship with someone mentioned obliquely in a previous post, and with some spare cash and a great mate (and still a great mate although he blew me out tonight) in Sir Peter, who comes on here occasionally, we hit on an idea in early 2002 to invest in a magical holiday (for me especially as I’d been no further than Turkey) to Australia and to see two tests matches. To say I bored my work mates about this (many of who go long haul now, when I don’t – trips to the in-laws don’t count) would be an understatement. By the time it came to actually leave, I was as excited as I’ve ever been. It was, without doubt. the greatest holiday I’ve ever been on. Awe and wonderment at every turn. A sheer disbelief that I was actually there. And nothing summed it up more than the walk from our apartment in near South Brisbane station (the apartments were called West End) to the ground. This was as big as it got. I just thought how lucky I was to be there. Blessed.

To inject some current day anger into this, this is the sort of stuff that renders the absolute weapon’s grade cobblers DucDeBlangis said in his BT: clusterf*ck today. I went around the world, spent a lot of my money, and had three and a half weeks leave to watch a team, and cricket was the primary focus, I knew would get hammered. I drank, I sung the songs, I bantered with the Aussies, I had a whale of a time. Loyalty? Pack it in you absolute moron. Do not ever question my loyalty because I despised what went on.

Anyway, back to Brisbane. I thought I’d dig out my piece on HDWLIA, which is a bit dry but catpured some of the essence of what it meant, and how it went.

Overseas I’d seen England’s 384 run demolition by the Aussies at the Gabba in 2002 . That was notable for one major thing – the toss. England won it, but because Nasser Insane had no faith in his bowling attack, he stuck the Aussies in on a belting batting surface. At the end of Day 1 Australia were 364 for 2, Bully Boy Hayden had 186, Ponting looked serene in scoring 123 and we traipsed away from the ground all melancholy and deflated. Although we had a reasonable Friday, a half-decent Saturday, the game was up well before England set out on scoring 464 to win, and when the collapse ensued, and England were dismissed for a paltry 79, we were on the Gold Coast availing ourselves of Bald Eagle’s swimming pool and barbecue facilities. Oh, I almost forgot, but Bully Boy Hayden helped himself to a second innings ton too.

I think a number of things stick out from my first test overseas. The service in the ground was first class – no ten/fifteen minute waits for the beer or food. The stadium itself was a little soul-less but the atmosphere generated by what was, in essence, a “footy” stadium now was pretty good. I’d seen England get put to the sword at The Oval on relatively few occasions, but to see it having paid a good deal of time, money and effort seemed somehow less painful. The memories of the crowded Gabba Hotel after the day’s play were also fresh, with the constant horse-racing action on the TV. There was our incredibly haired acquaintance from Birmingham, I wish I remember his name (maybe Sir Peter can help), who put us in the direction of the Wotif.com site which helped us to a couple of bargains on this and the 2006 tour – another top chap, and absolute diamond who smuggled us into the top tier. Then was our old mate [name removed]… but less of that the better. I do wonder what would have happened if he’d taken us even further down the road before my suspicions got the better of me.

As for England’s display, there was not a lot to credit it. Simon Jones looked good before he got that terrible knee injury that has so blighted his career. The fielding on the first day was awful with some absolutely horrific dropped chances. Hoggard dropped Hayden when he skied the ball up in the air, hardly laying a finger on it, while Vaughan dropped the same batsman to an absolute sitter. I still have the video from that 1st day and Botham’s reactions were priceless.

I still have a ton of memories of the interviews and newspaper reviews I did for the Sir Peter produced “Live and Uncut Down Under” – one of my favourites was the interview on Day 4 when I’m looking at the Sunday papers in Brisbane. As I start my review you can hear a crack of the bat, and the cheers of the Aussie crowd. I look to the action, and then turn to the camera and say, rather sardonically “Matthew Hayden has just hit Craig White’s first ball for six…..” It summed up my mood. The feeling that all hope had long since evaporated and that the Aussie juggernaut cared little for English endeavour had pervaded my enlightened mood. As we left The Gabba at lunch on the 4th day we had plans to return the next day if England were making a fight of it. As our train pulled out of South Brisbane station en route for Helensvale, news reached us via Danno on the text to Sir Peter to tell us Michael Vaughan was out second ball for 0 – and England were 1 for 1. Well, we thought, that makes the task harder for us….

Beep Beep – Oh no, Trescothick has also gone and it is 3 for 2. I exclaimed “tell Danno to Go to Bed Man…he’s making us depressed” – to which, shortly thereafter, he did. When we got to Helensvale we saw the farce on TV as England collapsed to 79 all out, and we enjoyed a day on the Gold Coast and the very charming town of Beaudesert before returning to our place the night after and flying off to Port Douglas the following morning….

A little fleeting but such great memories. I may add a couple of pics to this later, although regrettably, this pre-dates my digital camera days. I do remember texting my great mate Zeitkratzer Stockhausen (a colleague who posts here very rarely) and saying “I’m walking down Vulture Street to the Gabba. I just don’t believe this is me doing this” or something like that. I can’t put into words the feelings I had doing it. Awe. That might sum it up.

Entering the stadium and taking it all in was overwhelming. A steward said to me “you are really fair skinned, make sure you wear that hat all day” which was nice. I remember talking to two guys who had come from the countryside for their only day’s cricket that year and chatting away. Another in front of me had come from Lancashire and was touting Jimmy Anderson’s inclusion in the squad when Simon Jones had that horrible injury. I recall a particularly aggressive man swearing all day at Matthew Hoggard. I remember the toss, and my reaction is on video. No, you can’t see it. I remember 364 for 2, and the Vaughan drop. It was vivid. It was an amazing, wonderful, sensory overdrive day. It wasn’t particularly alcohol fuelled, as I wanted to watch cricket, not drink beer. We saved the main session for the following night. To top off day 1, Sir Peter’s school mate drove up to Helensvale, we had a beer with him round the corner from our apartment, he had a lovely conversation on the phone with Sir Peter’s father, and from that day on Peter is always prefixed in my company as “Sir” and I was always “Lord”. I’ll tell that story another day.

We weren’t there for the end of the match, which will probably have me strung up on some charge of disloyalty, as we went down to Sir Peter’s mate’s place just off the Gold Coast and had a lovely time. I don’t think anything quite tops seeing a test match abroad for the first time, and although I’ve never been back to the Gabba, I’ll always look on it fondly.

It certainly won’t be for being present at a test when someone made a ton in each innings. I was never a fan of Matthew Hayden!

More Ashes memories as and when, but feel free to add your own of Brisbane if you have any. I’m thinking of Day One at Lord’s 2005 for the next one, but you never know. It’s these experiences that make me love the game and write about it, and importantly feel passionate and, yes, angry about it. How can something you care about so much, bring you to this level of anger. I think we all know why.

Have a great evening.

An Ashes Exchange Of Views – Part 1 – Dmitri Asks, Dennis Answers

LordCanisLupus39 Comments

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As part of this blog’s build up to the Ashes, I got in touch with perennial doubter of all things English, a pox on our establishment, the itch we cannot scratch, but once I’d finished talking to myself (again) I wrote to Dennis of Dennis Does Cricket (in)fame(y) to exchange some questions in the run-up to the Ashes. In Part 1, I have Dennis’s views on 10 questions I posed, with an open-ended bit at the end.

So, here goes chaps. Dennis speaks. Feel free to comment.

1. Last time we met, it was 5-0. Ask a lot of England fans a few months ago and we’d have predicted the same (with some caveats for the weather). What do Aussies think the score will be?

Before I answer this, let’s address your caveat. Don’t you find it amazing that the English created a sport that is reliant on the weather?

In Australia, we think Hobart is a cold and wet place. The next land you hit going south is Antarctica. 16% of Australia’s rain fall sin Tasmania.

But as it turns out, the UK is closer to the North Pole than Tasmania is to the South Pole.

Anyhow, I digress.

I would suggest that Australians are still rather optimistic about the Ashes result. England couldn’t beat the West Indies. Hell, you even lost a Test to them. How does that happen? You couldn’t win the Test series against New Zealand at home. Last year you lost to Sri Lanka at home. You did beat India, but who doesn’t when they are on the road? I almost forgot that you let Ishant Sharma bounce you out with an old ball at Lord’s.

So, given that and given you have a horrible captain and given your Test side hasn’t had the positive change like the ODI side and given the fact that Australia hasn’t lost a Test for two years and given man for man, England probably don’t win even one spot, Australia will win the Ashes easily.

4-0. Nah, stuff it. 5-0.

2. Are you persuaded by the new vibe coming from England of “positive” cricket? Lots of us were surprised in the New Zealand test series by a change in attitude. You buying it?

In the ODI space, yes.

But let’s look at the Test space. In both the West Indies and New Zealand series, England were 1-0 up. Then this so called ‘positive’ cricket vibe suddenly drained away and they lost the final Test.

That’s two chokes in a row. The South African culture is strong in the ECB.

So no, in the Test space, I don’t buy it. Cook is not a leader who creates positive vibes. Bell is out of form. Ballance has been found out. Broad is struggling. Moeen may not last until the third Test before being dropped.

There is no positive vibe when half the team is scared of losing their place in the side. I know this because I watched Australia pre-Boof.

3. I read that you didn’t think Ryan Harris should make the team? England fans palpitate at the very mention of his name. Is he really not going to play?

My detailed thoughts are documented in this article: http://dennisdoescricket.com/ryan-harris-isnt-in-australias-best-xi/

If you remove the emotive element, I can’t see how Harris plays in the First Test. The other three amigos just bowled Australia to a World Cup win and tore up the West Indies.

You don’t split up a winning formula. Harris hasn’t bowled competitively since the New Year’s Day Test in Sydney.

However, every time I watch this video, I second guess this stance:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrdNjB9urZE (Available, it seems, only to Australian viewers)

4. In 2013 we were hearing big things about James Pattinson. Now we are hearing big things about Josh Hazlewood. Should we take them seriously?

James was coming along swimmingly until he got injured. Don’t judge him on his brother’s efforts for England.

Unfortunately for James, the list of available fast bowlers in Australia is longer than the English tail.

Johnson, Starc, Hazlewood, Cummins, Pattinson, Harris, Bird, Siddle……and so on.

Hazlewood is the real deal. He is like Peter Siddle from the last series, but just 10 kph faster, gets more bounce and with Glenn McGrath’s lines.

Hazlewood is the reason why I don’t see an easy way for Harris to walk straight back in to the team.

5. Is Steve Smith lucky or great?

You don’t get to the number one ranked Test batsmen in the world by being simply lucky. In fact, his ranking points exceed anything Brian Lara achieved.

However, that doesn’t make him great, but he is well on the way. So is Joe Root and Kane Williamson.

In 2013, I wrote that if Smith gave up the leg spin and focused on his batting, he could become the next Steve Waugh. That won’t happen now as Smith is Australia’s number 3, rather than hiding at 4 or 5 like Waugh did and Root does now.

This Ashes should see Smith as the leading run maker. His form is that good. His technique ensures it is hard to bog him down. He plays spin brilliantly. He has cross bat shots. He can skamper quick singles.

His get out shot at the moment is either the pull shot bottom edged on to middle stump or the run out. England should set plans for both of these possible eventualities.

6. Who is commentating on this series for the Australian viewers. Will James Brayshaw be anywhere near it?

I’m not sure, except to say that Channel Nine are bringing over their own crew, rather than relying on Sky.

I think this is a poor outcome for Australian cricket fans.

The positive is that we get to see every match live on Free To Air television. No need for a Sky subscription in this part of the world. Remember that argument that there is no market for Test cricket on terrestial TV? The ECB are selling you a lemon.

7. Our older core of Broad, Anderson and Cook get a ton of stick from you. Which one of them do you fear might do you the most damage in this series?

None of them.

Anderson will take his 4 wickets a match. 2 or 3 of them will be lower order batsmen. This is not a prediction based on guesswork. It is based on historical fact and statistics. That makes him no better than Peter Siddle. Do England [rate] the banana eater?

Broad has the ability to take a quick 2 or 3 wickets with the new ball because he attacks, but his control is gone. Watching him bowl against New Zealand and the West Indies, he was way too short.

Cook will make a century somewhere, but I’d be surprised if he averages over 35 this series. The bowling attack is just too strong and Australia love to attack the opposing skipper. We will be given no free space to settle.

8. We’re all a bit keen on Joe Root at the moment who is in brilliant form. What’s your view on what you’ve seen?

I love him. Australia love him. He shows grit and attacks the game. He is mouthy in the field. He shows no fear.

The Root v Smith battle will be amazing.

9. Two of your older players are question marks. Shane Watson seems nailed on, am I right? And is Brad Haddin’s lack of form terminal or will he get it back playing against us again?

Both should be under strong scrutiny.

Watson looks much better at number 6 rather than at 1,2 or 3. However, even at number 6, he doesn’t produce like he should. This is especially evident when the contenders for his spot are Mitch Marsh (lost his place due to injury), James Faulkner (the last decent all rounder to play an Ashes Test for Australia in the UK but lost his place due to injury), Moises Henriques (not available due to injury) and Glenn Maxwell (will get another chance at some stage).

The other option is that Australia back their three quicks and Lyon, and then play a proper number 6 batsman. That would mean that Shaun Marsh and Voges both play. Perhaps a batting order or Warner, Rogers, Smith, Marsh, Clarke, Voges, Haddin.

Haddin was the saviour the last time we visited your Britain of Greatness. How pompous is that name?

In the last 12 Test matches, Nathan Lyon has averaged more with the bat than Haddin. That said, Haddin’s keeping is as good as anyone in the world at the moment. That is worth a wicket or two an innings, possibly off-setting any potential batting losses.

The understudy keeper is a guy named Neville. No, that’s his surname. His First Class batting average is 44. He is also much better with the gloves than say Buttler, Bairstow or Billings.

10. Give us a name that might surprise us from the Aussie party – I think I know who it might be – and one you think might give you some grief from England.

Nathan Lyon is the guy. This unassuming ex-Adelaide Oval groundsman will play the role that Graeme Swann played for you last time we met in the Northern Hemisphere.

He has slowed down his pace, allowing for more flight and drift. He creates more chances than even the quicks. He gets bounce. He gets great turn. His arm ball is brilliant. He is the best number 11 in the world.

Lyon will spin Australia to at least two wins on Day 4 or 5.

The person Australia would fear most is probably Rashid, but he won’t play until the ECB drop Moeen Ali. That won’t happen until after the series is lost.

Ben Stokes is probably good for a quick 80 somewhere and a 4 fer

11. Finally – Open House. What’s on your mind DDC with this series?

To be honest, I’m mostly looking forward to re-aquainting myself with the English cricket fans via social media and my site. Most are very knowledgeable about the game and I have made many friends due to being active during the previous few Ashes.

In a cricketing sense, seeing how Mitch Johnson goes this time around will be interesting. Does he still scare the bejesus out of you guys? He should.

I fear Australia’s batting depth may not be as strong as some imagine. I sense Warner is in for a shocker and Clarke is on his last legs. Add Haddin and Watson to that mix, and we have a potential problem. However, I could be completely wrong. Remember what Warner did on his last tour to South Africa? Yes, he got his girlfriend pregnant, but he also stood up when under the most immense pressure.

C’mon Aussie C’mon!!!!

——————————————————————————————————–

My huge thanks to Dennis for participating in this exercise. We cooked it up on Saturday morning, and we threw ourselves into it. He’ll be re-linking this on his site, and my answers to his questions will be going up soon – http://dennisdoescricket.com/ , and no doubt we’ll be discussing the series during the next few weeks. Catch him on Twitter too @DennisCricket_ or his podcast, Can’t Bowl, Can’t Throw – the latest edition of which has Mr Roland Butcher’s Hook himself, Mr David Oram, to listen to.

I’ll just steer him on the Great Britain thing….

The classical writer, Ptolemy, referred to the larger island as great Britain (megale Britannia) and to Ireland as little Britain (mikra Brettania) in his work, Almagest (147–148 AD).[23] In his later work, Geography (c. 150 AD), he gave these islands the names[24] Alwion[sic], Iwernia, and Mona (the Isle of Man), suggesting these may have been native names of the individual islands not known to him at the time of writing Almagest.[25] The name Albion appears to have fallen out of use sometime after the Roman conquest of Great Britain, after which Britain became the more commonplace name for the island called Great Britain.[18]

So To The Ashes

LordCanisLupus43 Comments

On 8th July, weather permitting of course, the Ashes will commence. The venue for the first match is the SWALEC Stadium in Cardiff, host of the opening salvo in 2009, and famous for England wriggling off the hook to draw the match. In the run-up to the 1st Test, and if we can keep the momentum, hopefully beyond that, we (Vian and I)would like to make the blog even more interactive than it is now.

I know the Ashes are being milked to death, but there is still that energy behind it that even the clowns running the game can’t kill. They’ll have a damn good go, though.

I’ve been trailing some of the stuff already, including a mutual Q&A session with Dennis Freedman of Dennis Does Cricket fame. He’s suitably “honest” in his appraisal of the series coming up.

I’d also be interested if any of you would like to be on an “Ashes Panel” before and after each match to answer some questions posed by your genial hosts. I’ll also do some personal stuff on Ashes matches I’ve attended, or watched on TV.

We may not like the fact it is 18 months since the last series, but the blog is here to cover cricket, and that’s what we need to do.

By way of a starter, and we’ve done this before on a previous blog, I have five questions for you to answer to (re) introduce yourselves to the braying public that populate our comments section. No compulsion, but it would be great if you could fill this in:

1. Commenter Name / Location (we have some odd ones register on our location page)
2. What brought you here, and what keeps you here?
3. Be honest – what would you like to see more of (no promises but it is interesting)
4. Your unsung Ashes here of days gone by? If not into the Ashes, your unsung cricketing hero.
5. Your Ashes series prediction.

If you’d like to appear on the forum e-mail me at dmitriold@hotmail.co.uk . Would love it if you could take part, as I think it would stimulate huge debate, which is what both TLG and I want, believe it or not.

Have a great day everyone.

Debating The Data Later

LordCanisLupus62 Comments

The first interview granted by Peter Moores was to George Dobell on Cricinfo. The text of it you would have read by now (well most of you would have). This piece is written on the tablet, with not so much ability to cross-refer and post links. I have limited time and ability with the tools at my disposal to do a thorough job. But I thought I should post some initial reactions.

“Peter Moores, the head coach at Lancashire should succeed Andy Flower, of that I have no doubt. Were I Paul Downton, I would scan the list of contenders – some self-promoted, others having hats thrown into the ring by third parties – and then I would get in touch with the man who is not only arguably the most accomplished coach in the county system but one of the best in the world, whose skill deserves to be on the international stage” – Mike Selvey (12 Feb 2014)

“I have to accept that my time as England coach has gone. But Iam frustrated. The portrayal of me as a coach in the media is just wrong. If people said “I don’t rate you as a coach” then fine. But when it’s not what you are, it’s really frustrating.” – Peter Moores (interview with George Dobell) (22 June 2015)

George Dobell’s interview is fascinating, but I found it frustrating. Peter Moores, despite grave reservations from this parish and others was allowed to have a go at a job he failed in before. The portrayal of him as a coach hasn’t really changed and it has little to do with his use or otherwise of data. That’s a point he is zeroing in on the BBC for and he is abjectly wrong to do so. He’s using it is as a fig leaf. I don’t really care that Nathan Leamon nearly went home because he wasn’t being used enough (that sounds an interesting conversation, me being a former scorer and all that), or over the slip or otherwise about looking at the data. Peter Moores first obstacle was that he had failed before. Ordinary rebuilding would not have done, it had to be better. His second problem is that he is English, and I find it hard to believe a man from these isles can be a long-term successful coach. His third problem was that he was English and did not play international cricket. Lots of egos had to be checked at the door for that to work, and given what we are reading from those not in that inner sanctum, those egos ran amok. Fourthly, he accepted the job with the strings attached, and although tied to Downton through that infamous “best coach of his generation” statement, it was his acceptance of the KP ban that immediately set a good number of people against his appointment.

None of us are denying he’s a good bloke who treated his players with great respect and attention. Try going to a job interview though and say that I should get the job even if results err on the disappointing side, I blew the World Cup, but the players like me. It’s a results business, and it’s a perception business. Moores is not, in my eyes, hooked to the data quote, but to, as one person said to me “an alarming inability to get his point across”. No-one I know perceives Peter Moores as robotic, something he thinks he’s thought of. Many believe he’s a management speak man, a safe company appointment, a man not to ruffle feathers. Most of us, when he was appointed, when Selvey was blowing smoke up his arse, thought “er, wow. That’s an interesting one. He was a failure. Good luck with that.” I’ll bet a number of senior pros thought the same.

Interesting to in this interview are the copious mentions of the BBC apologising for the “data/later” issue, but nothing about Sky saying it (other than George’s mention) and the later role Sky (and one member of their team in particular who, if not the conduit, has a fair number of fingers pointing at him as being so) had in the disgrace that was the handling of his dismissal. No, it seemed, from my purely guesswork point of view that Moores refusal to speak about his dismissal by the ECB is either (a) the ECB showing their usual sensitivity and not allowing it and/or (b) Peter Moores wish to work for them again. Yet again, another dismissal, another cock-up by the ECB, shrouded in secrecy and mistrust. Yeah, just a bunch of KP fanboys, us.

Peter Moores, in my view, gave the authorities the chance to sack him because of the World Cup. When Strauss moved in as supremo, it was clear that the rumours of Jazzer not rating him were true. Strauss then took the decision to fire him because he wanted one man in the job, but at ODI level, Moores was hopeless. Whether Strauss fit the reason to sack Moores, or Moores was going to be sacked due to it seems the point. It had, in my view, naff all to do with Moores’ perception or otherwise. Attacking the BBC is a fig leaf. A comfort blanket.

I didn’t go in hard on Moores. He did what we’d probably all do if we were him and in the position he was in. He was Downton’s appointment and that never helped. But don’t mythologise him. I love the bit where “he made Swann England’s number one spinner”. Well yes, just. Swann played the role inhabited by Blackwell, Dawson, Udal, Swann and Tredwell, as being the second spinner selected on a tour – Swann behind Monty. Unlike the others he out-performed Monty. But let’s not go mad about it, eh? Moores being credited for Joe Root also seems a little odd. Sure, he’s come on a bundle in the recent tests, but let’s see him up against top notch stuff this summer?

Moores is a genuinely decent guy who had a bad thing happen to him. His interview is not the worst of its type, but leave off the I deserved longer schtick. You may well get the plaudits later on in life, but for now, the ODI team’s performance without you at the helm speaks volumes, Peter. It’s pretty damning. It may not have been all your fault, but you cannot be surprised.

Read George Dobell’s interview on cricinfo. Link to follow later.

The Ashes 2015: A review

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So there we have it, the Ashes are done, the teams are exhausted and now it’s time to look back on the series.

The series got off to a bad start when the Australian team were held at border control at the Severn Bridge on the M4.  Protesting that “but we’re in England, right mate?” only seemed to make things worse, as Darren Lehmann asked the High Commissioner to issue a formal protest over the visa charge of £6.50 per head.  David Warner was seen looking baffled as explanations about the difference between England and the United Kingdom were made, and matters weren’t helped when Alex Salmond somehow got hold of Darren Lehmann’s mobile number.  Steve Smith was briefly detained due to an unfortunate mix up where they found his name on a watchlist, being released only when it became apparent he really did know nothing about rugby.

So it was a petulant team who finally arrived at the Holiday Inn, Cardiff. An annoyed Mitchell Johnson went off to check the pitch only to return after 10 minutes complaining that while very big, the ground was the wrong shape for cricket.  Given such a start to the series, the ECB felt it appropriate to mend some fences, and sent their best diplomat, Giles Clarke, around to smooth things over.  Rumours that Tony Abbott subsequently approached the USA about buying Trident can now be safely dismissed as untrue and entirely unrelated.

The morning of the first Test dawned bright and sunny, catching out Stuart Broad, who assumed the first day would be rained off and turned up late.  A capacity crowd of at least 750 were in the ground eagerly anticipating the toss.  It’s probably after this point that England fans noticed things starting to go wrong.

Certainly being 65-6 at lunch wasn’t in the plan, though journalists were quick to highlight how brilliantly Cooky batted for his 14 runs.  Indeed, Stephen Brenkley received a British Press Award for his 3,000 word treatise on how he played and missed “with aplomb”.  Straussy wrecked any chance of a Pullitzer by calling the committee “c****s” (except in the Guardian, where they printed it in full – Selvey saying it was the “moment of the series”) for their outrageous decision to exclude it from consideration on the grounds of not being American.

Joe Root was exceptionally careless to be timed out, and his protest that he was waiting for that tall South African bloke to go in at four cut little ice with the critics.  England did at least improve a little after lunch, with Jos Buttler skilfully marshalling the tail before being left high and dry on 2 not out.

As would be seen throughout the summer, England were far from out of it.  With hindsight, making Anderson bowl from both ends all day probably didn’t help his longevity in the series, but it wasn’t until Edgbaston that the umpires had to step in claiming that crawling to the crease on hands and knees was slowing the over rate down too much.

Yet with Australia teetering on 372-5, Stuart Broad spoke to the team at length during tea, berating his colleagues for failing to follow the plan.  Thereafter things went much better, as Brad Haddin was in all sorts of trouble to the short ball, finally being put out his misery for a mere 137 with 19 sixes.

With an uphill battle to save the game, Cooky strode to the middle.  A dazzling array of plays and misses and edges through the slips led to criticism that Michael Clarke had failed to learn the lessons of 2013.  Mike Gatting on Radio Five took one look at the wagon wheel of the innings and concluded it was ten past one and went for lunch, wondering why he had such a craving for marshmallow covered in chocolate.

England fought valiantly, and nearly got away with the draw.  Anderson and Wood were left with a mere 193 overs to survive and got 4 balls into that before Wood was wrongly given out lbw off his fetlock – Stuart Broad having blown the reviews claiming that his leg stump wasn’t on the ground at all.

It was a chastened team at the presentation, Trevor Bayliss being seen muttering to himself while reaching for a pack of Benson and Hedges.  Cooky spoke well about not executing their skills, learning from the game and taking the positives – particularly Stephen Brenkley, who he felt was the right kind of journalist with the right kind of newspaper.

In the Sky Sports studio, Atherton confused Shane Warne by saying that England were losing to win, although Warne’s response was sadly edited out by the ECB Media Compliance Committee producer before anyone could see it.

Media reaction was swift and merciless.  Mike Selvey wrote that the main problem was that Adil Rashid was causing discontent in the camp by scoring an unbeaten century and taking 23 wickets for Yorkshire on the same day, while Paul Newman wrote that Kevin Pietersen’s “morning, lovely day” tweet had divided the dressing room, with born and bred Lancastrian Jos Buttler taking particular exception – his reply of “It is, isn’t it” being scanned for underlying hatred.

And so the second Test approached.  With four days between matches, Andy Flower intervened, sending Jimmy Anderson on a walk from John O’Groats to Lands End as a warm up.  It certainly had an effect, and England were an entirely different side. After an unfortunate injury in the warm up, where Ian Bell was shot with a champagne cork from a local miner on his day off, England had to make a late replacement.  A mystery player known only as Kay PeesorryQueueoopsmadeamistake was firstly drafted in, before Director Comma Cricket Andrew “Straussy” Strauss leapt up from his sedan chair, saying the accent was a bit iffy.

Winning the toss, Australia were soon in trouble.  David Warner was arrested for starting a fight with some of the schoolchildren present, his defence that he thought it was Joe Root sledging him not being accepted by the local magistrate.  Anderson ripped through the top order, using the conditions to good effect as the ball rolled down the slope.  Numerous swipes in vain saw the batsmen bowled time and again, while Shane Watson was lbw.

After such a troubled and controversial start, relations between the teams improved thankfully, Ryan Harris crouching low, putting an arm around James Anderson, adjusting his oxygen tank for him and offering him full use of his knees. Alastair Cook then picked up a suspended ban for not completing the 90 overs in the day as an hour’s delay ensued with the crowd helping the two bowlers back to their feet.

With England feeling in the ascendant, they went on the attack with the bat.  Ben Stokes destroyed the Australian bowling, pinging them to all parts for 260 not out – though quite rightly the press focused on Cook’s admittedly fine 84.  Their partnership of 260 was a sight to behold. England’s dominant position was enforced as the tail wagged, and Jos Buttler reached the heights of getting to 4* before the innings closed.

Darren Lehmann, clearly unimpressed with Australia’s efforts, called for a traditional Aussie approach, and certainly Warner’s day release from custody attached to a ball and chain indicated his words had gone home.  Despite the enormous first innings deficit, they attacked.  There was a slight hiatus when Warner hit the ball attached to him into the pavilion by mistake, but since it landed in Giles Clarke’s champagne George Dobell was seen to laugh so hard he had to be taken to hospital.  In his absence, Jarrod Kimber simply added 350 to the Australian score on Cricinfo.  Peter Moores rang up the ECB Sky pointing out that the data didn’t add up, but unfortunately no-one there could remember who he was, and so Australia got away with it.  Malcolm Conn was the first to react tweeting “That’s for Bodyline, you filthy pommie bastards” before writing an article titled “No offence”.

With England set 200 to win, Cooky decided to get out his inner funk.  Graham Gooch had pointed out that he was far more vulnerable to getting out if he batted, and so taking that on board, reversed the batting order.  Channel 5’s highlights included a 24 minute section of Simon Hughes in the tactics truck moaning with pleasure at the genius of the idea.   England scraped home, mostly thanks to Anderson’s 99.  It got tense towards the end as Australia fought back, but fortunately Jos Buttler stood firm, finishing 6 not out as wickets tumbled around him.  The captain scored the winning run, and was promptly knighted by a grateful public.

With the series so finely poised, it was a great shame that the next two Tests were washed out.  No refunds were given to spectators, as it was considered that highlights of the 2005 series on the big screen were now to be assumed as being part of play.  Some complaints were made that the series as shown was incomplete, but the ECB’s PR department pointed out that the last day of the Oval Test had been sadly cancelled in 2005 and they’d not missed anything.

For the denouement there were a few debates to be had in selection.  Mitchell Johnson had made himself unavailable after Brian May had called him up for the forthcoming Queen comeback tour, but Lehmann had rubbished criticism of the timing by stating that Australia had endless stocks of interchangeable Mitches and the side wouldn’t be affected. With England wondering about their batting line up, the selectors were seen in discussions long into the night.  A conclusion was reached when Straussy Strauss was seen carrying a trowel and smiling as plaintive Afrikaans cries were heard behind a bricked up wall.   England had one other question mark over their side, as Wood unfortunately fell at the fourth fence at Haydock two days before the game, but having been given a clean bill of health by England assistant physio Jimmy Herriot he took his place in the stalls for the start.

Alastair Cook scored a fine hundred, causing Aggers to squeak for an hour on air, so overcome was he.  Pope Francis resigned, David Cameron announced to a hushed Parliament that he was giving way to a much better man, with a much better family, and the US Congress passed what became known at the Cooky-wooky Act allowing foreign born Gods people to stand for the Presidency.  Perhaps the greatest tribute of all came from Geoffrey Boycott who stated to a shocked nation that he was nearly as good as his granny.

England were certainly confident having scored over 400 (Jos Buttler 8*) but Australia weren’t out of it by any means.  Chris Rodgers had escaped from the McCarthy and Stone sheltered accommodation where he was staying, and set about clearing the deficit.  There was one flare up when he accidentally trod on the umpires toes going for a second run, and Stuart Broad squared up to him asking if he was having a go at him.  Rodgers quietly pointed out that it wasn’t the square leg umpire and calm descended, but it was an awkward moment.

A mid innings collapse (Shane Watson, lbw 0) left Australia with a small deficit, and England were back in to bat.  A hush descended on the ground, punctuated only by the occasional South African accented “let me out” heard in the direction of the OCS Stand.  Cooky-wooky-woo-wah headed out to the middle and as one, they all rose and sang the oratorio from Handel’s Messiah – fortunately the ECB had been prepared and issued all spectators with lyric sheets as part of the Conditions of Ground Admittance.

Ben Stokes was the star of the innings, having sneaked out to bat when no one was looking.  Paul Downton – special guest of the ECB – was overheard to say that this bloke looked rather good, and why hadn’t he been around when he was MD?  Giles Clarke was equally confused, having seen no reference of Cockermouth in the Independent Schools List.  Joe Root gave valuable support, making Boycott declare unilateral independence for Yorkshire during the tea break, while Jos Buttler’s quickfire 9 not out added to the swelling total.

With Australia set 300 to win, the game and the series was in the balance.  All was going well for the visitors, with England’s bowlers unable to take a single wicket.  Fortunately for them, Shane Watson ran out 6 batting partners and burst into tears in the middle.  With the tension building, Australia 9 down and with victory only a hit away, there came that moment.  And we all know what happened then.

@BlueEarthMngmnt