One Rescued Post Later….
#AskMoores – An exercise dreamed up by a now unemployed member of the ECB junior staff to assist in Moores,Peter, and thereby England cricket in “reconnecting” with those “outside cricket”. This should include hand-picking questions that avoid difficult topics, and give Moores, Peter the option of saying nothing, which he will take with both hands, executing his skills magnificently. Example – answer a question about Flintoff, Andrew making an international comeback, but nothing other than “No I Don’t Hate KP” about the batsman who may still have something to offer.
#Strausslogic -A manner of reasoning so tortuous that it inspired one of the most respected, cultured and intelligent practitioners of the game to become an internet meme. Example from Pietersen, Kevin (see “trust”) – “Morning all, after a pretty bad day yesterday I’ve given it a lot of thought overnight. I’m applying for the coaching job! #Strausslogic”
@edsmithwriter – Presumably because @edsmithiamsoclever was taken. See “FICJAM” and “Smith, Ed”
4 Inch Tear (in Achilles) – You’re fit, play as long as you like. See Prior, Matt.
50 Misdemeanours – A legendary list, first mentioned by “Etheridge, John”, detailing “Pietersen, Kevin’s” naughty stuff for which we need to “move on” (see also Dossier of Misdemeanours). Doubts exist “outside cricket” of its existence, although no doubts exist for “Etheridge, John” or “Newman, Paul”, who no doubt came across this as a result of “good journalism” rather than “leaks”.
50 Over Cricket – No-one cares in England so it’s all right to be crap at it. But it is also useful as a World Cup is always something we can build towards and prepare if it is far enough away. You could possibly clear the decks for it and mess about with the Ashes rotation. You could get to a global final and sack your captain after he’s not scored runs for a decade. You could treat it as a long-service award. You could prepare for it by getting in promising young players and then dropping them after a couple of games. But no-one cares. Meanwhile those gauche Australians are champions at it.
95 – A mythical number. Those there that day at the Ageas Bowl will remember it always. In an innings that contained 156 by Ballance, Gary, and 167 by Bell, Ian, as well as a swashbuckling debut 85 in 83 balls by debutant Jos Buttler, it was the 95 that dwarfed them all. Those “outside cricket” or “disengaged” were exhorted to move on on the basis that the slump was over, and Cook, Alastair was back to his best. Those pointing out it was a piss poor attack, a scratchy knock, with a simple drop early on, are derided for being “outside cricket”, “vitriolic” or “those people on Social Media”.
355* – Never happened. Totally irrelevant. Don’t trust the scorers.
2015 Cricket World Cup – This is what happens when long-term strategies and philosophy are enacted. Still, it will be different with Strauss, Andrew in charge. Because the World Cup he was captain for went beautifully. England’s performances were about as applicable for this tournament as The Black and White Minstrel show would be for a modern TV audience.
Agnew, Jonathan –
A useful stooge at the BBC to trumpet the ECB Line. Same school-tie as Whitaker, James. Asks those outside cricket to “pipe down” and “move on”. Refuses to “engage” with those “outside cricket” who disagree vehemently, describing them as “rude”, “arrogant” and “pathetic”. Outside cricket rapidly becoming “disconnected”. All a horrible misunderstanding, and we’re moving on. We’re friends now.
Ali, Moeen – A likeable, quality, interesting person, with a decent line in off-spin, a frustrating line in batting and a wonderful line in being a fig leaf for this bankrupt regime, sorry, new era. Except when he has a pop at Israel. Then he’s a very naughty boy, but can’t be disengaged. Has been made aware that one ropey game as a bowler probably means you won’t be liked any more, unlike Broad, Stuart.
Analyst, The – See also Hughes, Simon. A former C4 commentator now employed as editor-at-large of The Cricketer. Known for writing a couple of books and being a frightful arse. He’ll pretend he’s not anti-Pietersen, but then equate calling your boss a doos with cheating on your wife. Good luck with that moral equivalence when you go to divorce proceedings. Providing your wife isn’t your boss. First act as E-A-L of The Cricketer? Hand the editorial to Moores, Peter. His chum. Top banana. Oh, and we are vile ignoramuses. Man of the people, had his arse handed to him famously on 5Live Sport by Dobell, George.
Anderson, James – “Best seam bowler in the world”. Has “team ethic” but had a difficult winter in the “difficult winter”. Has moved on, in all likelihood, and should “move forward” with Moores, Peter. The genius at “Grenada”.
Aplomb, With – See Brenkley, Stephen, in relation to Downton, Paul in the first instance, Moores, Peter in the second. In the first instance, to jump in and answer a question on Pietersen, Kevin saying Cook, Alastair was a weak leader and coming up with valued terms like “disconnected” and “disengaged”. In the second instance, to freeze when directly asked about Pietersen, Kevin and require the assistance of “Downton, Paul”. Not to be confused with obfuscation, misdirection or incompetence, none of which appears in an ECB Glossary.
Approachable, Mr (see also Approachability, Mr) – A name penned by Old, Dmitri for Downton, Paul after receipt of a Tweet from Wilson, Dean indicating that the aforementioned Downton, Paul is “very approachable” and that he had been advised to speak earlier to those “outside cricket” by the media. This approachable nature is not to be confused with “leaks”. Absolutely not. It is “good journalism”.
Bairstow, Jonny – So experienced at carrying drinks, we expect him to change careers and appear in the Yorkshire version of “Cocktail”.
Ballance, Gary – Reflex answer when Whitaker, James is asked a question on anything. A “success story” for the “new regime” of “freshness”. Put in to the number 3 slot because there was no-one else prepared to do it, although Bell, Ian claimed he did, and Root, Joe needed protection, he flourished with three centuries in this summer of renewal. Despite that his 150+ was overshadowed by Cook’s “shut up the critics” innings at Southampton, and despite many pundits saying he was a dead cert to be trapped LBW frequently for low scores, showed them his quality. This did not prevent him from being messed around in ODI cricket. Needs to pay his dues. Brought into the “World Cup” with next to no practice at #3 by “Greatest Coach of His Generation” and it did not pay off. But it was 50 over cricket, so no-one cares.
Barbados 2015 – Alastair Cook scored a hundred. Nothing else to see here. Look at “Grenada” instead. Oh, except if you are Ali, Moeen, Trott, Jonathan or Moores, Peter.
Bell, Ian – Has probably moved on, but the next controversial thing he says will be the first. Seems to perennially be “in the form of his life”. Failed a management task on a bonding exercise, which was discovered as the result of “good journalism” and used at just the time Cook, Alastair was under most fire. Sure that was coincidental.
Bilious Inadequates – A term of endearment assigned to all those “impertinent” enough to question Selvey, Mike BTL on The Guardian or Twitter. Remember. It is only those “outside cricket” who resort to insulting and derogatory language, the stupid [Strauss word].
Booth, Lawrence – Editor of Wisden Cricketers’ Almanack and writer for the Daily Mail. The “most authoritative voice in cricket”. Known not to be well disposed towards Pietersen, Kevin, nor Morgan, Piers, who he brings in to every article possible. Scooped the world by not seeing the text messages in Textgate, but using it as an example of poor “team ethics”. (Grammar corrected, and spelling mistake addressed). PS. Your book is too expensive. Now seen the light (a bit) and doesn’t treat us as “bilious inadequates” although will correct my grammar when cornered!
Bowling Dry – Strategy of choice of Flower, Andy and Strauss, Andrew backed by Saker, David and Cook, Alastair. Allows use of deep cover fieldsman rather than third slip to appear as bold, cutting edge tactics rather than craven conservatism. Used as Plan A, And Plan B. And Plan C. More effective when scores of 500 have been posted, the absence of which is not down in any way to Gooch, Graham or the absence of Pietersen, Kevin.
Brenkley, Stephen – A useful stooge at the Independent to trumpet the ECB Line. Conducted an interview with Whitaker, James where he forgot to ask him anything about Pietersen, Kevin for an hour, and then, at the 19 April Press Conference, tweeted within ten minutes that Moores, Peter and Downton, Paul responded to Pietersen, Kevin enquiries with “aplomb”. A keen advocate that those “outside cricket” should “pipe down” and “move on”. Also man who introduced the “salt in the tea” analogy.
Bresnan, Tim – The consumate purveyor of good “team ethics”, “togetherness” and “team unity”. In common with Dernbach, Jade, has not prospered as a “death bowler”. Brought into the team for the “Perth Dismissals” test because the three tall fast bowlers perfect for that wicket were either unfit, bowling pies or unable to bowl on the cut bit, an example of the genius of Flower, Andy and Saker, David.
Broad, Stuart – Discovered by “greatest coach of his generation” in the same way I discovered the fiery object called the sun because it rose this morning. Rapidly being bowled into the ground by all those in Team England, and to the bemusement of those outside cricket persisted with Dernbach, Jade as “Death Bowler”. Captain in loss to “Netherlands”. Has indicated he was reluctant to “move on” without Pietersen, Kevin, but has been encouraged to “pipe down” and is “moving forward” with those “inside cricket”. May need to “move on” to as he becomes the latest member of the team to have to play through a potentially serious injury (see also Pietersen, Kevin and Flintoff, Andrew “Freddie”)
Buttler, Jos – A limited overs genius, a hitter par excellence, but a limited test player on current record. Going to be subject to the most hyperbole by the purveyors of “cricket journalism” this side of Stokes, Ben. Shame. He seems a great bloke.
Carberry, Michael – Has not “moved on”, shown no “team ethic” and will not be selected until he shows that he believes in Moores, Peter and Cook, Alastair’s “togetherness”. This means no support for “Pietersen, Kevin” or criticism of ECB officials.
Chelmsford Cosa Nostra – see also “Essex Mafia”. Patriarch is Flower, Andy. Right-hand man is Gooch, Graham. Prodigal Son is Cook, Alastair. Press Officer is Pringle, Derek. Servant Boy is Newman, Paul. Hold England’s cricket in a grip. Tell you when to “move on”, determine “team ethic” and bad-mouth mavericks such as “Pietersen, Kevin”. Still can’t get Bopara, Ravi in as permanent member.
Clarke, Giles – Head of England and Wales Cricket Board, and owner of many crumpled suits. Loves Srinivasan, N, and used to be best pals with Stanford, Allan. Appears on TV to tell non-stakeholders and those “outside cricket” to “pipe down”. Has nothing but the best interests of English cricket at heart. Backs “moving on”, “moving forward”, “Downton, Paul” and “Collier, David”. Loves Stakeholders. Ignores “Difficult Winter”. Says English Cricket is “Not at a Low Ebb”.
Coach Who Was Relegated With Lancashire – A statement not recognised by those inside cricket, but used by those “outside cricket” to question Downton, Paul’s “due diligence”. Not to be confused with “Greatest Coach Of His Generation”.
Coach Who Won The Championship With Lancashire – See “Greatest Coach Of His Generation”
Collier, David – No? Me neither.
Compton, Nicholas – Scored too slowly, or too high maintenance so was moved on. He has not “moved on” so we will move forward without him until he learns how to “move on”, or lowers his maintenance costs.
Consulting Widely – Asking Flower, Andy and being convinced of your own infallibility.
Complacency – The reason England lost to the Netherlands. An understandable mindset after a “Difficult Winter”.
Connecting – And other derivations thereof. A new concept in the era of “freshness”, “team ethics” and “excitement”. Players are expected to connect better with those previously deemed “outside cricket”. They are also expected to “connect with each other” rather than be “disconnected” or “disengaged”. Not to be confused with some load of management-speak bollocks. Uttered principally by Moores, Peter when asked what will be different under the new management regime. “Connecting” does not apply to Downton, Paul or Clarke, Giles. Illustrated by Alastair Cook regularly being given soft interviews.
Cook, Alastair – From the “right kind of family”. A captain in development. 100+ Caps but still learning. Key advocate of “team ethics”, “togetherness”, “unity” and “moving forward”. Captain of the team for most of the “Difficult Winter”. Key player in “moving on” from Pietersen, Kevin. Loved, in particular, by Newman, Paul. Junior Member of “Chelmsford Cosa Nostra” otherwise known as “Essex Mafia”. Prone to imitate Downton, Paul in public pronouncements, citing “fresh”, “exciting”, “togetherness”, “team ethics”, “Englishness”, “team culture” and other terms in a perplexing phraseology to those outside cricket. Ended 700+ days without an international century at “Barbados 2015”. Reacts to critics the same way Dmitri Old reacts to vegetables on his plate. “Something must be done”. Acts with all the humility of “Pitt The Younger” from BlackAdder the Third. See also “Dauphin”. Remains captain of England despite being one half of the selection duo at Barbados 2015. Still believes he should have been captain of “2015 World Cup” despite the inconvenient fact that he was absolutely useless at “50 over cricket” in the previous 18 months. Believed to be behind “trust” issues keeping Pietersen, Kevin out of test team, but when asked to say why, will not say in public. Instead, he lets the “Essex Mafia” do his bidding. Captain in charge of Melbourne Day 4, Headingley Day 4 and India at Lord’s that had long-standing cricket followers and pundits scratching their heads (or eyes out). But he is a “good man” and is “nice”.
Cooky, Farby and Mooresy – The future of English Cricket.
Core Values – Something we should adhere to, but not sure what it is. What it isn’t is anything in common with Pietersen, Kevin. Probably doesn’t include being “disconnected”, doesn’t include being top run scorer on a tour, doesn’t include scoring 8000+ test runs in a memorable way. Vital for “team unity”, “team ethic” and “togetherness”.
Cricket Journalism – A mystical art, one that requires hours in a pub with purveyors of such skill, to understand.
Daddy Hundred – A score of over 150, and more usually 200. England scored Daddy Hundreds in abundance until the summer before the “Difficult Winter”. The result of this “Difficult Winter” was to disconnect from Pietersen, Kevin, who has the most Daddy Hundreds (150+) in an England career.
Dauphin – Affectionate name for “Cook, Alastair”. I have no idea why someone known for entitlement and being above everyone else should be compared to our captain. Mystery to me. But the punters wanted it in. See also “Pitt the Younger” and “Little Lord Fauntleroy”.
Day 4 at Headingley – The result of a mix of circumstances. Add clueless coach, bowlers operating to plans, a failure to “execute your skills”, mixed when a captain has the important trait of being from “the right kind of family”, aided and abetted by the lack of “six inches of carry” in the previous test, and you have Exhibit A of what “core values”, “freshness” and a “good environment” can do in the hands of “Cooky”. Those who witnessed it will never recover from the full horror of a captain so far out of his depth, he’s below fish with lights. After the loss the following day we were exposed to the “Inner Steel” or “Steely Core”.
Death Bowler – See Dernbach, Jade. Reputedly a “Death Bowler” is someone who restricts runs at the end of a limited overs innings through ability and guile. After much “due diligence” and “consulting widely”, Flower, Andy told Giles, Ashley that Dernbach, Jade was his “Death Bowler”. Those “outside cricket” and “non-stakeholders” believe this is something we should “move on” from and “move forward” with someone else.
Dernbach, Jade – “Death Bowler”. Alleged Secret Agent provided by Moores, Peter or Flower, Andy to ensure Giles, Ashley failed to get the England coaching job. Some non-stakeholders believe Dernbach,Jade to be an evil experiment to test the voracious nature of those ‘Outside Cricket’ on discussion boards before the no’ smoking gun’ revelations.
Difficult Winter – Losing 12 out of 13 international matches to your deadliest rivals.
Disastrous Winter – Not winning a dead rubber at Perth in the ODI series may have constituted this, but we aren’t sure.
Disconnected – Looking slightly miffed that your team is losing 5-0 in a “difficult winter” under “Cook, Alastair”. Remedy – “move on”.
Disengaged – Looking slightly miffed that your team is losing 5-0 in a “difficult winter” under “Cook, Alastair”. Remedy – “move on”.
Dobell, George – Writer for Cricinfo, and member of the polite enquiries team, and Switch Hit podcaster. Not a serious journalist (see Agnew, Jonathan) and therefore probably “outside cricket”. Those “outside cricket” read him assiduously as he appears to be the only one not to sign up to the “50 Misdemeanours” and “Dossier of Misdemeanours” reports from the “Difficult Winter”, nor those of Pietersen, Kevin being “disconnected” or “disengaged”, and earned respect of non-stakeholders by radically reporting what he saw and not what he was told by the Chelmsford Cosa Nostra and members of the Inner Sanctum through “leaks”.
Dogthrower – Advanced technology in the field of coaching batting. Use thousands of times by Gooch, Graham said by Selvey, Mike to be conclusive proof of his credentials as a batting coach. Available from online retailers for £1.45. Results may be uncertain with England batsman, but my border collie hasn’t developed a cover drive yet.
Dossier of Misdemeanours – See also “50 Misdemeanours”. A list compiled of the naughty stuff Kevin Pietersen has done. Allegedly four pages in length.
Downton, Paul – Managing Director of the England & Wales Cricket Board. Assassin of KP. Silent to the public (non-stakeholder – see “Stakeholder” below). Also known as “Mr Approachability”. Loved by Selvey, Mike.
Due Diligence – Corporate speak uttered by Downton, Paul to reflect the depth and breadth of his search to appoint the “greatest coach of his generation”. Consists of making one’s mind up instantaneously, refusing to countenance any views to the contrary, especially from those “outside cricket”, hang of for a few months, get Selvey, Mike to write a loving testimony, and then announce it to those “inside cricket”, who worship at your feet and say you handle things “with aplomb”, and are “impressive”.
England Cricket Supporters – a.k.a.” non-stakeholders”, or “outside cricket”. A cash cow to be milked through Sky subscriptions and buying tickets, but must “move on” when told, and “pipe down” if told. Are liable for invasive searches, assault and battery, and higher prices to sit on pathetic seats with limited leg room and made to buy over-priced watered-down beer. Have no locus standi in decisions of the England and Wales Cricket Board.
Englishness – Something Cook, Alastair wants the new team, having moved on from Pietersen, Kevin, and possibly Trott, Jonathan, to reflect moving forward. Will probably result in the selection of Robson, Sam, Ballance, Gary and Jordan, Chris. Those “outside cricket” find this confusing.
Essex Mafia, The – See Chelmsford Cosa Nostra
Etheridge, John – Cricket writer for Sun. Man who revealed 50 Misdemeanours, Sydney flight and Five Minute Meeting. Told non-stakeholders to pipe down after unimpressive England chase of modest total. Said “leak” of new coach was “good journalism”.
Executing Your Skills – Playing cricket.
F.E.C. – Acronym with origins in Anglo-Saxon vernacular when first sighted on locker of Atherton, Michael at Old Trafford in late 1980s. Now widely understood to signify ‘Future England captain’. Association with a player tends to produce immediate collapse in form, notable tendency for player to start using management-speech (see The Positives etc) and an inability to defend 471 on county captaincy debut. Definitely not currently to be associated with Root, Joe (F.E.C.). Requirements – good team ethic, freshness, englishness and not being associated in any way to Pietersen, Kevin.
Farbrace, Paul – Assistant to the Head Coach (see “greatest coach of his generation”) prised away from Sri Lanka who were told how poor they were, probably by Clarke, Giles. Always on Downton, Paul’s radar despite not being approached by highly paid “headhunters”. Despite being English and the winner of an ICC tournament he is most definitely not better than someone who won the championship with Lancashire and then got them relegated.
Five Minute Meeting – Revealed to be the length of time Pietersen, Kevin stayed in the room after Downton, Paul told him to “move on” for being “disconnected”. This nugget was brought to you by Etheridge, John, who did not get it from a “leak”, but from “good journalism”. Five minute meeting not to be confused with “hours and hours”, as said by Downton, Paul.
Flamingo, The – An endangered species, on the brink of extinction at English venues. A victim of a “Difficult Winter”. Exotic species briefly seen in England 2005-13. Its distinctive whistle that once heralded the start of summer is no longer to be heard. Re-introduction barred by Downton, Paul who prefers the modest sparrow and perhaps the occasional blue tit, as they provide freshness and are more engaged as they use two legs to stand on.
Flintoff, Andrew “Freddie” – The previous captain of a team on a “Difficult Winter”, who never captained his team again. Not to be confused with Cook, Alastair. Very popular with many of those “outside cricket”. Made to play through many serious injuries, which curtailed his career. See Broad, Stuart.
Flower, Andy – The Unquestionable Deity. Too scared of him to tell him we’ve “moved on”. Hope he doesn’t notice. Not responsible at all for the “Difficult Winter”.
FICJAM – Fuck I’m Clever, Just Ask Me. See Smith, Ed.
Fresh (or Freshness) – A word to describe the new England team having “moved on” from the “Difficult Winter”. This entails promoting the coach, retaining the captain, not immediately firing all the specialist coaches, and picking inexperienced players on the basis of little evidence, while retaining a core around or over 30 years old. Those inside cricket will do the “due diligence”, appoint a fresh new coach who did the job before, and tell those “outside cricket” to be “excited”. Pietersen, Kevin is certainly not “fresh”, as “disengaged” people rarely are.
Giles, Ashley – Former coach of England ODI team, and selector. Sacrificed on the altar of the “greatest coach of his generation”, by Downton, Paul, possibly as a result of a defeat to the Netherlands, but more likely because he did not worship Flower, Andy sufficiently. Persisted with Dernbach, Jade as “Death Bowler” to the bemusement of those “outside cricket”. Needs to “move on” in an appropriate manner if he wishes to “move forward” or the “Chelmsford Cosa Nostra” (see also “Essex Mafia”) will have a word in Downton, Paul’s ear, and conduct “due diligence” and “consult widely” before not providing a “leak” to Selvey, Mike or Newman, Paul. Also keen to please “stakeholders”.
Gooch, Graham – Founder member of the “Chelmsford Cosa Nostra” or “Essex Mafia”. Facilitator behind “move on” movement. Keen on “Daddy Hundreds” which have been in short supply recently. Removes unwanted flair or individuality as it is not good for “team ethic”. Averse to those “disengaged” or “disconnected”, see Pietersen, Kevin and Gower, David. Despite lack of “Daddy hundreds” not culpable for “difficult winter” until four months after the fact. Subject to loving tributes from Selvey, Mike and Pringle, Derek.
Good Environment – Any environment which has Cook, Alastair and Moores, Peter and does not have Pietersen, Kevin. Credited with losing a series to South Africa, and to the good play of the new players in the era of freshness. All events after Southampton are down not only to “good environment” but more to “Cook, Alastair’s” captaincy.
Good Journalism – The hard work undertaken by cricket correspondents and serious journalists. Entails being called into Mr Approachability’s office, told of his views in an impressive manner and with aplomb, and then reproducing them under the bye-line “a source said” or “BBC Sport understands”. Good journalism is most definitely nothing to do with leaks. No sir. See Etheridge, John.
Gower, David – An early Majorian era example of being “Disengaged”. Left out of squad for tour to India to promote “freshness” in a squad that included who was a mere 40 years old at the time.
Greatest Coach Of His Generation – Note to author, please insert English between “His” and “Generation” as directed by Downton, Paul after the appointment speech of Moores, Peter was mis-spoken. Defintion of Moores, Peter. He previously coached England – correction he is now Team Director – to home series losses against India and South Africa and had a disagreement with Pietersen, Kevin. Those inside cricket never bothered to wait for the “English” insert and gushed appropriately at the genius of Downton, Paul at such a “fresh” and “exciting” appointment. Selvey, Mike is torn between who is greater – Moores, Peter or Flower, Andy. Those “outside cricket” conducting their own “due diligence” are not quite prepared to “move forward” and remain to be convinced at this “freshness” or “greatness”. Not to be confused with “Coach who got Lancashire relegated”. In sad news, it is my duty to inform you that he wasn’t actually the greatest coach of his generation. He was sacked in May 2015.
Grenada – A win that will go down in the annals of history. When I am on my deathbed, and my disciples surround me, I will recount tales of this wondrous match, where St. Jimmy of Anderson single handedly smote the 8th best test nation of world in one session when he actually put the new ball on a decent line and length, he actually caught a ball, and he hit the stumps for a run out. Grown men wept at this show of genius. Of course, if I live to 80, my senility will mean I’d forget what came next.
Gurney, Harry – 27 and a half at time of first call-up, economy rate in List A of 5.4 and 40 wickets in List A career. Evidence of “fresh” and “exciting” selection. Not to be confused with “shot in the dark”, “hope for the best” or “can’t be worse than Jade Dernbach”.
Hales, Alex – For a while the #1 T20 international player in the world. This of course means no extra responsibility, and replaced in his county side, under the direction of an England selector, by a 35 year old Australian. He was also given six games to prove himself in ODI opening or batting at #3 with Cook, Alastair blocking the way. Was not played in World Cup until too late. Could still be England’s answer to David Warner, if we ever bothered to try to find out.
Harrison, Tom – The CEO of ECB. An English speaking Tim Westwood look-a-like in a sharp suit. Actually, scratch that. A white noise of corporate bullshit speaking Tim Westwood look-a-like [Boom]. Still admitted that ECB had been patronising. A bit like Russell Brand admitting he’d had a few illegal substances in his time. But he’s a hatchet man. Oooooooerrrrrrrr, crikey.
Heavy Ball – 1. Believed by England management to be bowled by Bresnan, Tim in later stages of limited overs’ internationals (see death bowling). Usually seen disappearing over long on during the “difficult winter”. It’s weight often undetermined as no-one can find said ball. 2. Pringle, Derek post-lunch. (pot calling kettle black).
Hoult, Nick – The former (ha ha ha) understudy to Pringle, Derek at the Telegraph. The poor sod. Now the main news gatherer and source in chief of the uncomfortable side of the ECB.
Hughes, Simon – See Analyst, The
ICC – 1. Decried by some wags as standing for “India Controls Cricket”. 2. The organisation that runs international cricket and invoked the “Big Three” stitch-up, to the horror of cricket fans across the globe. 3. (Guardian defintion). Haven’t a clue. Does it exist?
Impertinence – See Selvey, Mike in addressing those outside cricket when questioning what goes on inside cricket and drawing a perfectly reasonable conclusion. Not to be confused with “pipe down” and “move on”. You need to be more “well informed”. A trait of anonymous “bilious inadequates”.
Inner Sanctum – The dressing room. Nothing that goes on in there should be disclosed to those “outside cricket”. Enforced by unholy alliance of “Chelmsford Cosa Nostra” and “England and Wales Cricket Board”. Any comments or details the subject of “leaks” are definitely not to be attributed to the CCN or ECB. No sir. Absolutely not. “Move on”.
Inner Steel, see also “Steely Core” and derivatives thereof – Our captain “Cooky” or “”Cook, Alastair” has one, which given it is an inflexible metal if “core enough” would explain rigid foot movements, and therefore nicks to slip and inside edges on to stumps. Not to be confused with having a blatant disregard for what is staring you in the face. That would not be good.
Integrity – Possessed by Graves, Colin. When pressed into a corner, act as though it being challenged is like a question of life itself. That you’d bottled a statement is neither here nor there. It’s integrity to say someone has a clean slate, and then say they don’t.
Jackson, Will – Article writer for ECB.Com. Rumoured to be the subject of a £5m bid from Kim Jong-Un, who is said to be an admirer of his writing skills, and is desperate to banish ghosts with his midas touch.
Kirsten, Gary – Former South African opening batsman and not currently the greatest coach of his generation according to those inside cricket in deference to Moores, Peter. Once had his role as Indian cricket coach described as “little more than throwdowns to Sachin Tendulkar”. Reputedly declined to apply for England coaching job because of the evil IPL/desire to spend more time with his family/prior commitments to pottering about in the garden and not because of being told who he could and could not select by Downton, Paul. See also Moody, Tom and Fleming, Stephen.
Lancaster, Stuart – Coach of the England National Team (rugby union) but not apparently one “outside cricket” like those “outside cricket”. Cited by Cook, Alastair as the inspiration for his “Englishness” (see core values, connecting, move on, move forward, togetherness, fresh, new team). Revived England rugby team after “difficult winter” in Antipodes (see dwarf-throwing) by dropping ageing and allegedly disruptive team members. This appeals to Cook, Alastair. He also dropped the captain. This appeals less to Cook, Alastair and is of no relevance to English cricket whatsoever. Name cited frequently also by Clarke, Giles and Downton, Paul as some sort of “look over there” tactic.
Leaks – Something the ECB has never done. Never. They just appear in front of “Newman, Paul” and others.
Lessons Learned – When there is defeat, it is always important to “learn lessons”. It is particularly important not to specify what lessons they are, and how we go about learning them. Also to be used as a statement on coaching, especially when your previous tenure was not successful, you say you have learned lessons. Purveyors of “good journalism” are never to ask what those lessons are. Even after 100 tests, lessons are still being learned on how to captain a cricket team. Learning lessons means we “move on”.
Little Lord Fauntleroy – Affectionate name for “Cook, Alastair”. I have no idea why someone known for entitlement and being above everyone else should be compared to our captain. Mystery to me. But the punters wanted it in. See also “Pitt the Younger” and “Dauphin”.
Loughborough – Home of the national performance center specialising in the destruction of pace bowlers and mystery spinners. Home to men in blazers with clipboards and the seat of Flower, Andy. The money spent on it Dobell, George has said would have been better spent on a donkey sanctuary in Norfolk. Also unaffectionately known as Bluffborough. As the saying goes – Loughborough – Kill Your Speed.
Lovejoy, Tim, see also “Lovejoy”: One time football ‘magazine show’ presenter, ‘Lad’, purveyor of relentless ‘banter’ and top, top self-aggrandiser. Capacity for insight and analysis: minimal. Blind love for mates in sport: total. Best summed up for all-time by this article:
Now the nom de plume, or nom de guerre, or nom de moron of Swann, Graeme, so-called friend of “Cooky” (see also Cook, Alastair) who is now on the naughty step for sedition.
Mediocre – A word uttered by Graves, Colin as a comment on a team ranked #8 out of 10 in the World Test Rankings. The reason we lost “Barbados 2015” despite winning at “Grenada”. And ruined “Dauphin” being back to his best. Had nothing to do with not being able to bowl out the #8 ranked team in the world’s tail, collapsing like a heap straight after, and bowling with all the tactical acumen of the muppet show in the 4th depending on a batsman who bowls spin after a selectorial balls-up pinned squarely on “The Greatest Coach Of His Generation” and not on “Cook, Alastair”,
Melbourne Meeting – A “Players Only” meeting to thrash out issues and difficulties encountered in the “Difficult Winter”. Effectively chaired by “Prior, Matt”, “A source said” that Prior, Matt was not very nice about Flower, Andy. Encouraged by this Pietersen, Kevin, it is understood, said some very naughty things, believing this was a “Players Only” meeting. News of these naughty things reached Flower, Andy, probably through Cook, Alastair, and Flower, Andy was not pleased. He decided to tell the ECB to “move on” without Pietersen, Kevin and this was reported in the press in an example of “good journalism”. Meanwhile stories of Prior, Matt’s naughtiness reached Twitter, via Morgan, Piers, and Prior, Matt, upset at the breach of the inner sanctum, and his naughty words about Flower, Andy, showed good “team ethics” and “togetherness” by hitting out at Pietersen, Kevin. As a result he may not be “moved on.”
Moody, Tom – Not sought out by headhunters, or declined an approach in deference to “Greatest Coach of His Generation”.
Moores, Peter – A keen advocate of “Move Forward”, “Team Ethics”, “Togetherness” and “Unity”. Had disagreement with Pietersen, Kevin, and moved on. Loved, in particular, by Selvey, Mike and Downton, Paul. See also “Greatest Coach Of His Generation”
Morgan, Piers – “Outside Cricket” ergo “non-stakeholder”. Anyone who agrees with him over Pietersen, Kevin, is also “Outside Cricket” and unable to “move on”. They should “pipe down”.
Move Forward – What we need to do after we “Move On”
Move On – What we need to do before we “Move Forward
Netherlands – Winner of two T20 matches against full test playing nations. After both defeats, there were “lessons learned” although no “positives”. Solution is to ban them from playing England again, so that we can “move on”. Despite the Netherlands being mostly part-time cricketers, Cook, Alastair believes the players were not to blame, and that this result did not get Giles, Ashley to “move on” in favour of the “greatest coach of his generation”. Complacency was the reason, and that is part of our “team ethic”.
Newell, Mike – Once he hung up his boots after a good career at clubs like Everton, he moved on to coaching Nottinghamshire, where he once fell out with Pietersen, Kevin. As this is now prequalifies under Team Ethos for a job with England, he is now a selector for the national team, on the grounds he is a coach and he won’t pick Pietersen. AKA, integrity.
Newman, Paul – Former ghost writer for “Pietersen, Kevin”, who moved on earlier than most. Now chief admirer of “Cook, Alastair.” Prime recipient of “Leaks”.
New Team – An England cricket team that should have “team unity” “freshness” and be “exciting”. It means ditching a 33 year old with 8181 test runs, and instead focusing on younger players like Cook, Alastair (29), Bell, Ian (32), Anderson, James (31) and Broad, Stuart (a young 27 with a 33 year old’s knee); plus, possibly Prior, Matt (32), all fresh as daisies. This team is exciting, and has core values, including experiencing a “difficult winter”, not being “at a low ebb” and not being Pietersen, Kevin.
Not Apportioning Blame – For “trust” failure, But is is all Pietersen, Kevin’s fault.
Not At A Low Ebb – Losing 12 out of 13 games to your deadliest rival in a “Difficult Winter” is not being at a “Low Ebb”. See Clarke, Giles. As a result of this indisputable definition, those non-stakeholders who are “outside cricket” need to “pipe down” and “move on”.
One Day Internationals – A source of great frustration to those inside cricket, as Cook, Alastair captains with aplomb but can’t win, and to those outside cricket, who see Cook, Alastair bat like a plum, and can’t win. It is a good job we’ve cleared the decks for the Cricket World Cup.
Onions, Graeme – According to Selvey, Mike, England have probably “moved on” from him. This despite him taking wickets in England by the hatful. Was not part of the “Difficult Winter”. Must wonder what he has done to see Bresnan, Tim and Dernbach, Jade selected in front of him.
Outside Cricket – See February 9 Press Release – Non “Stakeholders”. They need to “pipe down” and “move on”.
Panesar, Monty – Move on. Cook, Alastair showed “freshness” and “team ethic” by refusing to bowl his primary spin bowler until the game was lost at Melbourne in the “Difficult Winter”. Chose words carefully on Pietersen, Kevin, which may have been outside “team ethic” but may have repaired damage with Cook, Alastair as associate member of “Essex Mafia”. However, will probably “move forward” without him.
Perth Dismissals – A key piece of evidence used against Pietersen, Kevin in the “difficult winter” to question his “team ethic” “togetherness” and “Englishness”. To play aggressively in a losing cause. To smash the ball down a deep fielder’s throat when the game looks lost. Far worse to do this than to leave a straight one, or biff a hook straight up in the air. Perpetrators of “Perth Dismissals” or similar “it’s the way I play” dismissals are to be “moved on”.
Pietersen, Kevin – Move On. What did he bring to the table but 13000 international runs? He has been “disengaged” and “disconnected”. Was reason for “Difficult Winter” through “Sydney Flight”, “Perth Dismissals”, “Melbourne Meeting” and “50 Misdemeanours”. Poor “team ethic” and no “togetherness”. A large source of “Daddy Hundreds” he upset “Gooch, Graham” with “Perth Dismissals” and fell foul of “Chelmsford Cosa Nostra” and “Downton, Paul”. “Moved on” to “Indian Premier League”. Scored “355*” and yet is deemed to not be able to be the subject of “trust” by “Strauss, Andrew” inspiring “#Strausslogic.
Pipe Down – See Clarke, Giles and Etheridge, John. Said with the greatest respect to mean “we know more than you non-stakeholders so STFU”.
“Pitt the Younger” – Affectionate name for Cook, Alastair based upon the character in BlackAdder The Third. I have no idea why our captain is compared to this character, known for his arrogance, self-entitlement and dismissal of all opposition, as well as childish ripostes, but some people do. So in it goes.
Players Only Meeting – A meeting, held in the middle of a “difficult winter”, between players to air grievances so that they can be taken back to Flower, Andy and get the perpetrators to “move on” in the spirit of “team ethics” “culture” and “togetherness”.
Positives, The – To be taken in conjunction with “Lessons Learned”. Some things identified in a losing cause, and subsequently taken forward by those “inside cricket” and relayed to those “outside” as something we should hang our hats on after we lose another game. Known not to be performance enhancing, especially during the “Difficult Winter”. Definitely not to be used in the Melbourne test – “Although we lost heavily, we can take the positives from KP’s responsible batting, which if the rest of us could have supported him, we would not be staring down the barrel of a whitewash in this “difficult winter”. Now exclusively to be used about Stokes, Ben for the “Difficult Winter”.
Pringle, Derek – Press Officer for the Chelmsford Cosa Nostra (see also Essex Mafia) and general all round “Muppet”. Long been a critic of Pietersen, Kevin, highlighting his, and his alone, perceived weaknesses and running with the theme, ad nauseam, even when proved wrong. Has advocated that we all “move on” and has absolutely no time for those “outside cricket” and “non-stakeholders”. Sacked by the Telegraph for not being any good, he now predicts with huge accuracy, and writes wonderful, thoughtful pieces for The Cricket Paper.
Prior, Matt – Dropped vice-captain in development. Key advocate of “team ethics”, “togetherness”, “unity” and “moving forward”. Vice-Captain of the team for most of the “Difficult Winter”. Key player in “moving on” from Pietersen, Kevin. Known to have broken the sanctity of the ‘Inner Sanctum’ and has twin nemeses in ‘Morgan, Piers’ and, recently, any international standard test bowler. Once said a bad thing about Flower, Andy, which got back to him, possibly through Cook, Alastair, and is now may need to “move on” himself, unless he can reinstate his “togetherness”. Has a supporter in Moores, Peter.
Rankin, Boyd – Fast bowler of magnificent height and unimpeachable drinks’ waitering (see good “team ethic”). Selected in Sydney during “the difficult winter” and managed to bowl 20.5 overs across two innings while repeatedly breaking down with various indeterminate injuries. Managed to be not worst selection for that Test – see Borthwick, Scott. Lively future career as Warwickshire fourth seamer, pub quiz question and Martin McCague tribute act beckons. Do not mention name to Saker, David, as he has been “moved on” in his mind.
Resignation – To give up one’s post voluntarily as a matter of honour or bowing to the inevitable. Not applicable to Clarke, Giles, Collier, David or Downton, Paul as they are all “excellent” men handling the ECB “with aplomb”. Needed to be wrung out of “Flower, Andy” as long as it involved a job of his choosing. Not used on Gooch, Graham, who needed to be fired by the new “assertive” Cook, Alastair.
Right Kind Of Family – If you didn’t go to an approved public school, and your face isn’t one containing dreamy blue eyes and a granite jaw, then them’s the breaks. Clarke, Giles has this a relevant factor in appointment of key positions. Downton, Paul = right kind of family. Pietersen, Kevin = them’s the breaks.
Robson, Sam – Made one more test century than Cook, Alastair has in the last 15 months, but his place is under great jeopardy. Go figure that logic out.
Root, Joe – A future captain of England, although it is seen as “too soon”. Endured the difficult winter, but recalled and put in the middle order where he flourished in the good environment. Should be next captain of England as long as he doesn’t mess up a management task on a bonding session.
Salt In The Tea – A euphemism vocalised by Brenkley, Stephen to reflect the “Dossier of Misdemeanours” compiled against “Pietersen, Kevin”. Those “outside cricket” were not convinced and rejected Brenkley, Stephen’s please for us to “move on” based on this flimsy evidence no doubt not “leaked” by Flower, Andy or any other member of the Chelmsford Cosa Nostra (see also Essex mafia).
Saker, David – England Bowling Coach who had a difficult winter in the “Difficult Winter”. Not, in any way, responsible for the travails of Finn, Steven.
Selfey – Some wag thought this was a better name for “I am rarely wrong, so don’t be impertinent” Selvey, Mike. It won’t stick. Inspired by Lovejoy, Tim.
Selvey, Mike – Hagiographer-in-chief of Flower, Andy and rumoured to be best chums. It is believed that he is currently auditioning for similar role with Downton, Paul. It is thought his prospects are good. Selvey, Mike absolves Flower, Andy of all blame for the “difficult winter” and believes the “50 misdemeanours” and “salt in the tea” to be accurate when describing Pietersen, Kevin. Has little time for those “outside cricket” and “non-stakeholders”.
Six Inches of Carry – 1. See Selvey, Mike, aka Selfey. According to said scribe, but for six inches of carry, England would have won the 1st Test v Sri Lanka, which meant the “social media” have ignored “Day 4 at Headingley”. Not to be confused with “if my brother had been born a girl, he’d be my sister” or “clutching at straws”. 2. The St.CliveJW Dictionary recommends this definition – “Six inches of carry” (alternatively “a couple of inches of carry”) — term used by Selvey, Mike to excuse England’s embarrassing series defeat at the hands of Sri Lanka, who were supposed to do the decent thing and offer themselves as sacrifices at the altar of Cook, Alastair (Sheep). Example; “a truly heroic effort from his bowlers on the final day brought the team to within a couple of inches of carry on an outside edge, of winning the first Test at Lord’s.” This avoids the inconvenience of discussing the six overs that England failed to bowl of their allotted quota, the timing of Sheep’s declaration, or how Sheep gave what Boycott called “a master class in turning a winning position into a losing one” on Day 4 at Headingley.
Smith, Ed – See “FICJAM”. The way he goes on you’d think he’s the only one with a university education, and he exists only to make “Nicholas, Mark” look downmarket. He wrote a couple of books you know, and makes frightfully thoughtful points in whichever organ pays him a pittance to deliver his patronising, higher class ridden keg-meg. Particularly exercised about the influence on “social media” and trying to say all those that don’t come on social media must, by their nature of being sentient human beings, agree with him. Biggest boon to other commentary providers, for when he comes on to TMS, multitudes switch off. Now there’s a silent majority I can agree with!
Smith, Steve – Remember in 2010/11 when our commentators laughed at him and said “he’s batting too high at number 6”? Remember that next time they identify or write off talent. Not turned out bad.
Smoking Gun – When those “outside cricket” refused to “move on” from Pietersen, Kevin as directed by many including Agnew, Jonathan, there were rumours of a “smoking gun”. Such rumours were scotched by Etheridge, John and Brenkley, Stephen with their “50 Misdemeanours” and “salt in the tea”, and the absence of said firearm was confirmed by Downton, Paul who undertook much “due diligence” and “consulted widely” in not finding it.
Social Media – 1. Viewed as a den of vipers by all those inside cricket, and probably run by Morgan, Piers. Populated by people with opinions and a medium in which to express them. All Outside cricket so best ignored. See also “zealots”, “bilious inadequates” and “vile ignoramuses” 2. A phenomenon of which the best calibre candidate for the MD of the ECB (See Downton, Paul) was totally unaware, and hence caught out by. Presumably wi-fi can’t penetrate ivory towers. Rumoured rival for the post was my long-deceased grandfather.
Stakeholder – Waitrose, Investec, Sky Sports, Sponsors, BBC Radio, International Rights Holders, Owners of Corporate Boxes at Test Venues, The BCCI,
Stanford, Advertisers. Missed anything out?
Stanford, Allen – I don’t have the foggiest idea who this person is, and nor does Clarke, Giles.
Steely Core – See Inner Steel. Not to be confused with Remington Steel, John Steele, Steely Dan, Steely Span, or Iron Man 1,2 or 3.
Steyn, Dale – Short fast bowler of minor Test playing nation. Definitely not “the most skillful bowler in the world” in view of Saker, David who awarded said title elsewhere (see Anderson, James) after seeing who has “the most skills in his locker”. Those “outside cricket” unable to see inside players’ lockers questioned how this could be so given Steyn, Dale’s superior bowling average, number of wickets taken, strike rate and ICC ranking before being told to ‘pipe down’. Not to be seen at English Test venue between 2012 and 2017 as a consequence of new meritocratic scheduling orchestrated by Clarke, Giles. Alleged to be recipient of “textgate” e-mails, part of the reason Pietersen, Kevin has poor team ethics and lacks “Englishness”.
Stokes, Ben – The heir apparant to Pietersen, Kevin in the “disengaged” and “disconnected” stakes. Already been sent home for being an adult and going out on a piss-up, as well as smashing his wrist to pieces on a locker. However, as he has “freshness” and is “exciting” he will be used to further “team ethics” because those “outside cricket” need someone to latch on to. Had the least “Difficult Winter” of those partaking in the “Difficult Winter”.
Strauss, Andrew – The Director Comma England Cricket. A big supporter of “Trust”. Once called Pietersen, Kevin a very naughty word live on TV. Say that about your captain and it’s ban the bastard, but say that when asked to make an even-handed decision on the future and it’s no problem at all. Do not see “double standards”, “hypocrisy” or “stupid bellend”. Seen as just the man to bring the tactical nous and acumen to “long-term strategy” and “philosophy”. How “bowling dry” can be applied to that strikes fear to all those “outside cricket”. Still, he is a “good man”.
Swann, Graeme – An unreliable witness. Retired in the middle of the “Difficult Winter” and was told to “move on” by Flower, Andy. At the time he described some players as indulging in anatomical contortions, which Pringle, Derek took to mean Pietersen, Kevin, despite denials. Said there was no “smoking gun” and that Pietersen, Kevin had been as good as gold. Once in the media, and therefore back “inside cricket” again, changed his tune, backed up the “salt in the tea” theory, and said to those “outside cricket” that we needed to “move on” with Cook, Alastair as captain, and it is essential for Flower, Andy to remain in the ECB. Those “outside cricket” now wonder what the Chelmsford Cosa Nostra have said to him (see also Essex Mafia).
Sydney Flight – Mentioned by Etheridge, John in podcast as one of the 50 Misdemeanours in the Dossier of Misdemeanours. According to Etheridge, John, Pietersen, Kevin booked a flight early (on the last day of the test it is believed) to leave Sydney, thus proving he was “disconnected” and “disengaged” and against “team ethics”.
Team Ethics – Something we need. Not located as yet
Textgate – Pietersen, Kevin is alleged to have shown he was “disengaged” (see also “disconnected”) by sending texts, with content unknown to only a select few inside cricket (but to deny that you know what is in them is to be “outside cricket), and resulted in England “moving on” as Flower, Andy and Strauss, Andrew were upset. It is rumoured to be Item 1 on the Dossier of Misdemeanours, and constituted a Final Warning. Can result in unwarranted exponential outrage, even if its operations are not generally not understood. Those “in the know” chastise Cook, Alastair for asking Pietersen, Kevin to return, and is now used as a stick to beat all those “outside cricket” who refuse to “move on”. Most utilised by Newman, Paul.
Togetherness – Part of “Team Ethic” and proof of “move on” and “move forward”. Does not include those who won’t “move on” and most notably, Pietersen, Kevin.
Tremlett, Chris – Selected for England team in the “Difficult Winter” because he played well four years before, and is tall. Breached “team ethics” by saying Pietersen, Kevin didn’t do anything wrong. Will be “moved on” and England will “move forward” without him as he lacks freshness and, it appears, “togetherness”.
Tyers Twitter Tendency (TTT) – I shall let the man explain himself.
See Selvey, Mike and Newman, Paul.
United Arab Emirates – Temporary “home” venue for Pakistan cricket. Any test match results England suffer there are to be ignored as there is simply no chance of ever winning one there. Turn to ODIs and it’s evidence of England being great at the game. You pays your money, you takes your choice.
Vile Ignoramuses – Analyst, The thought that Moores, Peter (see also Greatest Coach Of His Generation) was sacked because of these. That’s no way to talk about Strauss, Andrew. However, given form, we believe this was aimed at “bilious inadequates” or “zealots” on “social media”.
Waitrose – Key stakeholder, and sponsor of England cricket. As such their views count greater than those “outside cricket”.
“Well Informed” – Ten minutes in advance of others to regurgitate ECB gossip. See Selvey, Mike. May have come from Downton, Paul.
“What We Want To Achieve” – See Cook, Alastair. A management-speak load of old toss which somehow jazzes up the concept of “winning cricket matches”. If you want to achieve something else, then throw it in here. Unspoken subtext – without Pietersen, Kevin, taking no notice of those “outside cricket”.
Whitaker, James – Chairman of England Selectors, and very much inside cricket, oh yes. Been interviewed twice since taking up the post. Once on Sky Sports showing he had “moved on” to “fresh” and “exciting” times “moving forward” without Pietersen, Kevin, and providing Giles, Ashley with his World T20 squad that did so well against the Netherlands. The other was an “inside cricket” interview with Brenkley, Stephen, which resulted in Kim-Jong Un ringing up the Independent desk and asking Brenkley, Stephen if he fancied the job as North Korea’s press officer.
Wilson, Dean – Cricket writer for the Mirror. Although in the camp who believe Downton, Paul is “impressive” and probably agrees he answers questions with “aplomb”, has shown himself to be a rare commodity in talking to ECB-sceptics on Twitter in a calm and very reasonable manner. Thanks to his revealing Tweet about how Downton, Paul conducts affairs, “Mr. Approachable (Approachability)” was named. May be a covert member of the Essex Mafia. Handle reasonably, but with care.
Zealots – See “social media”. If you disagree with some, most notably Smith, Ed or Selvey, Mike, you will be labelled as such. You aren’t allowed to be enthusiastic about a sport, or care about it, AND disagree with these writers without being labelled as this. See also “Vile Ignoramuses” and “Bilious Inadequates”.