Welcome to Camp Blood.
I am going to try something, writing the piece as I go along and then summarising the events at the end.
Ten minutes in and the Aussies appear to have slept in late and not had their coffee. Buttler and Leach both with impressive boundaries on the offside, and then a massive five wides as Jos outjuked Pat. It took 20 minutes for Cummins to get himself alive, before he bowled Jos Buttler for 70, with a combination of inside edge, pad and puffs of dust before hitting the stumps. Marsh then took his fifth by bowling Jack Leach, who is the current media darling, to end the innings on 294. I was 19 out DLP.
I’m a messenger of God. You’re doomed if you stay here?
So. David Warner. What you got? Answer was a prod for one, a nick through the slips for a boundary and then an edge from a wide one off Archer. This edge being a cause of some consternation. I was about to go on a rant about wasting reviews on edges that not even the bowler or keeper were keen on, when after an age snicko revealed a slight noise. The ball looked to have passed the bat with a fair gap, but we are looking at this in 2 and not 3 dimensions, but still. Technology trumps sight. Warner left for 5. Harris didn’t last much longer nicking to Ben Stokes at second slip, off the bowling of Archer. 14 for 2.
Kill Her Mommy! Kill Her!
And out walked Steve Smith. A batsman that has made us lose our collective minds. It’s not unprecedented. I remember how Mohammed Yousuf had us on toast for a couple of series. But there are clever people who need clever lines to disseminate to their clever readers to prove how clever they are. Smith was kept in check, with Sam Curran providing a different challenge. Labuschagne gave a quarter chance through the slips, but Australia lunched at 55 for 2.
I took time out during the afternoon to sort stuff out with the cricket on in the background. Labuschagne was the first to depart, with Archer the bowler, as he was given LBW – stone dead. Matthew Wade was the next man in, and it was Sam Curran this time around. A lot of time was taken over the decision, but he was given. Wade reviewed and the tracking element did not say the ball missed (is that the technically correct description). It felt a little like a gift, but hey, not one England would turn down.
Tea came with Smith building another of those inexorable innings. It’s the equivalent of the construction of a skyscraper. The early iffy moments where you hope the foundations and groundwork are conducive to a large superstructure, and then an utterly tedious process until you get to the impressive conclusion. All the aesthetic beauty of a building site, a style only his mother and hipsters could love, got to be slightly mad to watch it, and participate in it (imagine being a crane operator on top of one of them things) but at the end, there are big numbers and we aren’t really sure how they got there (how do they get those massive cranes off the top of those buildings).
I digress. Mitchell Marsh came in, and the commentators blabbed on about love and diets. Tea came at 147 for 4.
Either That Or It’s A Very Short Clone
During the tea interval David Gower had some shill from Cricket Australia on for a chat. Within a couple of minutes, it was stakeholders this, lessons learned that, culture here, and mums there. It was like a cross between Tom Harrison and Dame Edna. I have no idea what this waste of oxygen was doing with his load of old twaddle, but he was there long enough to opine on the Hundred, and that was enough. Having done his part for Sky, this oxygen thief can go back to Australia and opine about how everyone in Australia was beside themselves with excitement that the final stages of the BBL will be with five teams not four. Imagine, all those games to eliminate THREE teams.
The Crocodiles Are In The Cabin
After tea Mitchell Marsh, no doubt eschewing the cream cakes, lost his place and flopped a ball down to fine leg from Jofra, and Jack Leach held the catch. No doubt some fraud mentioned KP and laughing stock on the Twitterverse, but I’m not looking. Still Smith ground on, but two in two balls from Sam Curran, nicknamed PLC by my Middlesex supporting friend – the middle word is Little – turned the tide. Captain by default Tim Paine, and I am laughing at the thought that Aussies popped at us for picking Brearley, nicked off, and Pat Cummins was nailed bang in front for a first baller.
Commentary went into hyperdrive, about what Smith would do, but after a couple of shots, and ensuring a modicum of strike, he missed a straight one from Chris Woakes, and he was out for 80. Australia were 187 for 8. Surely England had Australia on toast. Steve Smith is carrying more passengers than Queensland And Northern Territory Arial Services.
Calm down Sam.
Warne has remarked that Archer is bowling at a decent average. 87 mph is just 1mph faster than his slowest, and 1 mph slower than his fastest. He’s babbling nonsense on his birthday.
It’s 5:45 as I write this and there are 18 overs remaining. We bang on and on, and I even like Innocent Bystander’s idea of a counter of how much of people’s money they are being robbed of. So let’s assume they bowl another 10 overs tonight. They will be 8 overs short, which is 8.89% of the day’s play. Let’s assume that there are 24500 customers, which is the capacity, but let’s take an average ticket price of £100 – which is incredibly charitable. £217k, multiply that by 4 for say, four full days at each test, discount 5 days off for weather issues (this isn’t scientific) and early finishes, and we are looking at 15 times that number. Let’s say this is costing English cricket fans £3 million for the pleasure of the players taking their time. Turnover for the ECB is £170m. I know they don’t get all the revenue from tests, but this amount is unearned.
Now the perennially annoying Nathan Lyon is having his fun. Jack Leach has just dropped him. Can KP fans now quote the laughing stock tweet in the interests of fairness?
Archer collected his fifth wicket with a cunning act of deception to dismiss Lyon. This gives Jofra his second five-for in four tests. Four tests in where he’s done us proud with the ball, but already been accused of not being up for all fights at all times, of relying on natural ability, and only bowling quick when he fancies it. He has just taken his sixth as Rory Burns takes an amazing catch to dismiss Siddle with a a dive to his right in the gully. Jofra finished with 6 for 62, his second six wicket haul (Ponting says it after me!)
Stats – 31st time a bowler has taken 6 wickets in an innings at The Oval in Ashes cricket. Jofra’s is the 24th best. Best by an English bowler is 7 for 36 by George Lohmann.
Australia were dismissed for 225, and England hold a lead of 69. The openers came out at 6:10 pm, and there are 12 hours remaining in the last 20 minutes of play. Burns glances one off his body for four leg byes second ball, and the third hits Burns on the helmet. I’m sure England will investigate the structural integrity of this helmet in minute detail, and then go through the concussion protocol, with a potential new helmet needed to be purchased from the club shop, and oh my, it is creeping on to 6:30.
No. Same helmet, same silly strands of hair. Cummins keeping the short stuff going. Tension. England in front. David Lloyd being a muppet. He’s not funny. The first over took 6 and a half minutes.
Well Hi, What Are You Doing Out In This Mess (Pamela Stabs Him)
Joe Denly, fresh from fatherhood (congrats to all concerned), has to face Hazlewood (he of the moody child face, the big old sourpuss).
I am interrupted by a certain commenter who has linked a piece for me. I don’t know about you but this intro is not good for blood pressure:
Ed Smith, England’s chief cricket selector, has been irritatingly over-blessed by the gods: brainy, courteous, a former England batsman, admired author and well-dressed man. This morning he strides into a King’s Cross café in sunglasses and a wound scarf that scream Saint-Tropez, 1963. But hang on: today is day four of the fourth Ashes test. Shouldn’t he be in Manchester watching England-Australia? “Ninety-five per cent of the time I’m at the ground. When you’re at the game, you’re at an event, which improves your behaviour. When you’re at home you’re just a middle-aged man shouting at a television.”
Ed Smith, a man who sounds intelligent but blatantly thieved a least one piece, looks like an upper class twit. It screams pretentious plagiaristic ponce. He watches cricket, picks the team, and virtually everyone in a normal pay or education group thinks he’s a muppet.
I’ll read the rest later. Burns survives Cummins over, and Denly has the last one from Hazlewood. Off the third ball, Denly nicks, it goes to gully and Harris missed the catch – by missed, it split the webbing on his hand because the hands were not in the correct place. Marcus Harris not having a great tour. Denly takes a single, Burns nudges a four after the penultimate ball. Dharmasena gives Burns LBW out off the last ball – Hazlewood celebrappealed. Did it pitch outside leg? Is it slightly high? It pitched outside, as I thought and the day ends at 9 for 0. The series in microcosm.
The day ends with England nicely in front, wickets in hand, an Aussie team not on their mettle, an incentive to post a challenging total, and having got Smith out for fewer than a hundred. England have the upper hand, and tomorrow they’ll need to capitalise. It was a decent day’s entertainment, Jofra and Sam bringing youthful verve to proceedings. The fielding wasn’t faultless, but it was good enough. We go into Day 3 with England in the ascendant and not a lot to rage about.
You Know, You’re Beautiful When You’re Angry Sweetheart.
This has been Friday the 13th at the Test Match on Being Outside Cricket. I am Dmitri Old and it has been my pleasure to serve. And Sky accompanies the ending with a musical montage. A perfect day.
Comments on tomorrow below…..
Being Outside Cricket 
Like the red headlines. This Ashes definitely has lots of interest. Sam’s doing a fine job, even though the pundits claim he doesn’t quite have enough. England got Smith out. Best for me is that Joffra (“might upset the balance of the team”) has plenty of wickets and a lower bowling average this series than the World No 1 Bowler, even though he’s disappointed the Sky experts more than once by not bowling at 95 mph every ball. It’s very much a watchable series.
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More nonsense (judging by the tweet header) incoming. I’m not paying for the Boris Johnson Fanzine either…
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Oh well, that’s my top sporting moment of this decade (Kaymer’s putt at Medinah: there was no guarantee of Molinari winning the 18th against Woods) rendered invalid then Paul, thanks.
First para “No other major sporting contest…”
How do you even go there? I try to double check everything I post *here* and he writes for a major newspaper.
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Exactly the kind smug drivel I would expect from someone who is not asked to hand over £120 per ticket to walk through the gate. The English sports media resemble The Palace of Versailles. I expect Hayward or Holt to tell the paying fan to go “eat cake.” (But only the ECB approved sponsors cake you know!)
Also, Hayward would never have uttered such drivel about Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United. Win at all cost was the watch word, and to hell with the high road. Hayward eulogised in that culture. Didn’t he ghost write Ferguson’s book?
The English sports media is so up their own arse it’s pittiful. This is what happens when old football hacks from Hold the back page get elevated to sports editor without portfolio or some other bullshit title. Hayward, Holt, Samuel have disappeared up their own arses.
The establishment line is now a World Cup victory and a 2:2 Ashes is a good summers result, so shut up in the peanut gallery, and just be pleased that the adults are in charge.
I get tired of governing bodies amping up international sport and the media joining in the hype to help sell expensive tickets, and then pompous journalists saying at the end of an event we should be happy with mundane failure.
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Mark, have I ever told you how much I truly love your rants?
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Thank heavens for the DRS. Burns has been given out LBW twice in this match by eminent umpires who appear not to know the LBW law, and have been overturned in a childishly simple way. But, honestly, how could anybody other than a midget actually be LBW at the Oval to a back-of a length ball that hits them on the thigh pad? And how could Hazlewood, delivering from wide on the crease, possibly hit the stumps of a left-hander if the ball has pitched in line? Two really dreadful decisions, that were exactly the kind of thing DRS was invented to rectify. (In the remote past, I can remember it being a regular occurrence for the then top English umpire, Charles Elliott, to give left handed openers out when the point of impact was in front of middle, totally disregarding where the ball must have pitched, in order to get there. It is such a relief that we don’t have that any more.) It is interesting to watch Burns going for a review, because he is diametrically the opposite of, say, Bairstow. You can see in Burns’s expression his instinctive knowledge that the ball could not have hit his stumps (and also a wry dismissal of the umpire’s judgement) whereas a typical Bairstow review is only about wanting to go on batting.
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PLC – that’s a new one on me. Am I allowed to say that I assume the P stands for poxy?
Left-arm would do for the L…
And can we now refer to the Plagiarist as “PPP”?
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Punchable Little……
As I said, a non-English Middlesex fan…..
Me? C’mon Sammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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So Middlesex fans don’t like Curran? I’m coming around to the idea that he should be the first name on the team sheet for all of England’s home games. Especially the two at Lord’s.
(Not that his run of form, in the India series last year and now this game, doesn’t already deserve that)
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More fitting. I can see that. (Sure he’s a lovely fellow, of course).
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I really haven’t got much rant left in me anymore Legglance, but I can still spot bullshit when I see it. There is a media narrative gaining ground that 2:2 and a World Cup win is perfectly fine.
Against Pontings side yes, but not this Aussie team. Take out Smith and this would have been 5-0. I don’t think I have seen a worse Aussie batting side. Warner has malfunctioned, the other opener is not much to write home about.
All England had to do was pick a functioning batting line up, but that was too complicated because we have a dreamer as head selector. A captain who looks lost at sea, and now the media tells us it’s just fine.
And from a journalist who worshipped Ferguson’s ruthless drive for endless success….. his comments ring hollow.
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That should have been a reply to Legglance.
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I think it’s perfect on its own
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Really? Australia do have the worlds best bowler who has an average of 21 and a strike rate up there with the all time greats?
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I heard Gower say last test that this was perhaps the best bowling attack ever from Australia. Big statement, and no doubt debatable, but his claim has real merit.
Batting is fagile, and obviously Smith is carrying the team, but others have stood up at times too. Smith has won the series, but he didn’t do it on his own.
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I didn’t say he won it on his own Fred. . One player against eleven would be a rout. He would have to bowl all the overs, and keep wicket at the same time. Impossible.
However, in my view without him and his runs in this team it’s 5-0 Unless the Aussie win here.
Without his runs the Aussie bowlers would be irrelevant.
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Don’t know why I put…….”unless the Aussies win here”……..because he is obviously playing in this match…… and has already top scored in their first innings.
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5-0, them’s fightin’ words.
I’m not overly religious, but:
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Doesn’t matter, it’s all just conjecture.
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5-0 without Smith? Not sure I buy that. The England team have only made 3 scores of over 300 and none over 400. It’s hard to win 5-0 from those positions. Who knows, Khawaja might have had one of those matches when he remembers how to bat
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We didn’t exactly crush them in the game where Smith wasn’t playing. I think we would have won if Australia had been without Smith but given the quality and depth of their bowling I doubt it would have been 5 – 0.
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Ok I will try and justify my claim…..
First test match he makes 144 in the first innings when the Aussies are 122/8. They finish with 284. Without his runs Aus are bowled out for less than 150. England reply with 374 gaining a lead of 90. Without his runs the lead would have been over 200. Second innings Aus make 478 of which he makes 142. England bowled out for a 146 and lose by 252 runs. However the whole match has been changed by his 286 runs plus all the partnerships he was involved in.
1-0 England
Second Test match England make 258, Aus reply with 250. Smith makes 92 before he is hit on head and then out. Again, without his runs and partnerships Egland lead by over a hundred. England make 258/5 before declaring and Aus are 154/6 on the final day. England would have had much longer and a bigger lead to bowl out Aus on final innings.
2-0 England
Third Test match he didn’t play, and England won, albeit luckily so won’t bother with stats.
3-0 Ashes regained.
Forth test match he makes 211 out of 497. England reply with 311. Again without his runs England lead on first innings. Second innings he makes 82 out of 186 chasing a quick declaration. England lose by 185 runs in which he makes 293
4-0 England
Fifth test match he has already top scored. Again without his runs England would have a lead of over 200.
It’s why I don’t buy into the narrative that England have been completely outplayed in this series. Without one player, Smith it would be completely different. However, England have shot themselves in the foot with their millionaire batting lining up. They probably deserve to lose the Ashes just because of their selections, and their poor top order batting. But without Smith they would have got away with it.
Anyway, it’s just an opinion, but I’m sticking to my 5-0. Call me the English McGrath!!!
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There’s worse things to be called.
I certainly don’t think we have been completely outplayed especially since it could finish 2 games all.
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But if Smith were not there, maybe they would have selected differently. Eg Starc played one match and got a 50. Perhaps they would have picked him more often? Maybe the person in Smith’s slot would have made runs. So many imponderables. Having Smith in such form meant they didn’t have to balance the bowling attack around its batting potential
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Of course it’s all ifs and buts……That is what most sports debate is about. It’s pointless, but a bit of fun. Yes, another batsman might have scored runs, but he might not. If Smith hadn’t played in that first test match, and England had won big the Aussies may have imploaded. Who knows?
However, I’m going on actual figures scored. In the actual test matches played his runs are more than the difference between the sides. Hence my provocative 5-0 claim. Yes he couldn’t have done it on his own, but take out his runs, and England win big. Everyone else is making assumptions about what other players may have done. But I’m going on what they actually did.
It’s all bullshit of course, but who cares?
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Something’s up with Lupis, I’ve never read such a cheerful, playful post from him. It’s great. Back in the day at St Jude’s Cricket Club, when someone was like this we’d just assume he’d gotten lucky the night before, maybe it’s that.
Sounds like it’s been a fun day anyway. Great to see Mitch Marsh get some wickets, always been a believer, myself. Shame he got unlucky with the bat. Can happen to anyone.
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After the day I had yesterday, where we lost a massive deal, I suppose I had to cheer up. If I’d have been on duty last night…..
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Ha, exhilarating release of tension, that would explain it.
I was required to meet a client in London this week, extremely inconvenient, only to find the reason for the meeting was to terminate the contract. She thought it would be rude to do it by phone. I prefer rude people.
I was amused to find that going through customs the UK/EU vs Others lines have been replaced by UK/Aus/NZ vs EU. It seems EU citizens now take second place to the former Commonwealth. I used to have to queue for ages with all the Africans and the Asian tourists, now I get fast-tracked with the Brits. I can see more Eng-Aus ODIs in our future. Netherlands, Ireland?, forget it.
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Another great effort from Archer. But I have a question – if Anderson and Wood had been fit, how many games would Archer have played?
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Anyone who’d wanted to play Wood ahead of Archer would have been out of their mind…mainly BECAUSE of Wood’s fitness: even if he’s match-fit, he usually turns into just another fast-medium bowler by the middle of the second match
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In the first innings Burns’s total runs for the series passed Cook’s highest total in a home series.
Now he has the most runs by an English opener in a home or away Ashes since Cook’s 766 in 2010/11 (which was a huge outlier for Cook and England).
The only others this century ahead of him are:
Trescothick 431 (2005)
Strauss 474 (2009)
Vaughan 633 (2002/03)
Stokes and Archer will receive most of England’s plaudits for the series, but I hope this doesn’t go unrecognised, given England’s huge problems at the top of the order since 2012.
(Ah he’s out, shame he couldn’t reach a 40 average)
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(and Strauss made 393 in 2005… that’ll teach me to assume another 4 runs)
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Denly deserves some praise as well.
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Root out – bit of a soft dismissal. Shame really as I was hoping he’d get a big score.
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And speaking of Root, Andy Zaltzman produced some stats on the latest Urnbelievable Podcast to back up the claim that the captaincy has “ruined his batting.” In the 43 tests before the Headingly game against the Windies in 2017 (Root declared and the Windies won), Root averaged 78.7 in the first innings which included 11 centuries and 14 half-centuries. In the 27 matches since then he has only averages 26.5 in the first innings with no centuries and 6 half-centuries. Even allowing for a bit of stat-mining, that is an amazing decline.
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Which is why I hope they don’t give the captaincy to Stokes anytime soon.
Perhaps they can find an opening bat or number three that also captains his county.
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I’d like to see what sort of captain Stokes would make but I agree it would be a huge risk. He’s just found a bit of consistency with the bat so lets just leave him alone. My worry is that floozy TINA will whisper sweet nothings into the ears of the selectors and Root will keep his job.
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Burns was/is captain of Surrey I think. Give it to him.
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Interesting call. Dmitri perhaps has an idea of what kind of captain he was?
But would some in the dressing room accept a player as captain with little experience?
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Rory Burns captained Surrey to the championship last year. Must have a good idea how to do the job
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He once mentioned Key Performance Indicators in a post-match interview. Dead to me.
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But did he go to the right type of school and does he have the right face for the ECB, and the media who knows things that others don’t know
For me if he has captained his county well, and can hold down a place then he would be a good call.
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*** JINX ALERT***
It will be interesting to see when England declare. The great philosopher Shane Warne insists that you have to be prepared to loose in order to win. I’d certainly risk loosing 3 – 1 in order to try and win this game so I’d try and declare tonight. However, Root may have memories of his declaration against the Windies and feel quite differently.
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There are still two days to go. We are not even 300 ahead yet. England can bat till lunch tomorrow, and have five sessions to win.
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It would help I could count – I keep thinking it is day 4.
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I know what you mean, this is what happens when they keep mixing up Wednesday and Thursday start days.
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It’s also 2 in the morning here
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Surely it comes down to whether Selvey has talked to someone who has marked his card “
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If Joe Denly can look so assured at the crease then there is still hope for Wade, Harris, Paine etc.
Selvey is being really obnoxious on the subject of Paine today. Apparently if you don’t accept that Paine is the greatest Australian cricketer of all time then you have some kind of agenda
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Well played by Denly. That should book him a trip to New Zealand.
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What a shame for Denly. If he had got there it would have been the oldest maiden Test century since Clive Radley in 1978 according to cricinfo.
Not to be. England may fold now.
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Butler coming in with a 300 lead is surely when you want him.
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Paine is not good at the DRS is he?
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Re: Denly.
This is going to sound harsh. It is harsh… I just don’t think he’s good enough. I don’t want him in the side. I’m only listening, not watching, but he seemed to be permanently on edge, never really in, and this is true even though the Aussies are clearly mentally at Heathrow gate 74.
I’ve never been happier to see an England player fail to get a hundred*. Save us from Denly cementing his place for the whole winter!
* (the ghost of Cook’s 95 taps Rooto on the shoulder)
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No, nothing can beat the Holy 95. Nothing’s even close for me.
I also loved Anderson getting out in last over v SL in the same summer. Natural justice for Day 4.
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Well they all said that Chris Rogers wasn’t up to the task – Boycott especially was obsessed. However, they haven’t yet found a replacement. Sometimes you have to make do with someone not really up to the job rather than mess around with a succession of people who clearly don’t have what it takes. That said, surely Robson is worth another look?
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This could be a response to my comment about Denly. I’ll assume it is – apologies if it’s not!
You’re not wrong, and I admit that my opinion of Denly is not very objective (especially when compared to my adoration of Compo). However, he’s a makeshift opener, makeshift spinner and makeshift international player overall, taking up a space that could be occupied by a more deserving, younger specialist player who doesn’t happen to be a mate of Ed “Myth” (© G Dobell). I don’t feel he has grown into a role the way that Rory Burns has.
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Couple of TMS ‘nuggetsn for those watching on telly:
Since “regaining the gloves” (I assume last spring) Bairstow is averaging 18. Please, please, please can we get Foakes back?
Secondly, and supplied without comment, Michael Vaughan likes England’s “flambuoyancy”.
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Flambouyancy is presumably being dashing and stylish while taking the positives. Very ECB 2019.
Bairstow’s rut goes back much further than that–he’s averaging less than 25 since the beginning of last season (17 tests, or quarter of his career)–and I’m pretty sure less than 30 since the end of 2016 (31 tests or getting on for half his career….not forgetting that he also averaged less than 30 in his first 20).
So that’s 51 tests over seven years at an average of less than 30 for someone who claims that keeping improves his batting–with one wonderful year in the middle. Seconded–we really need Foakes pronto. (Although you’re not following the great eminence Selvey and advocating Rossington?!)
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Warne is not a great intellect, is he? Doesn’t he understand that Pattinson has serious spinal issues and needs to be nursed?
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Warne, and I kid you not, believes the pyramids were built by little green men.
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Does Smith still bowl his filthy legspin? I still recall that moment on the last tour when he snaffled the great god Cook for a supreme 85 at the Oval
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There are times when I think that Paine is from the Cook school of captaincy. He is so quick to give the initiative to the batsman. There is often the sense he is waiting for the batsmen to make mistakes
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Some catch by Smith there!
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